The End of One...

Today is December 31st, 2019.

Sure that's an obvious fact. What's the point in acknowledging that? Well for me, I'm 20 years old, so that means this decade has been half of my life. Also, yes I am not one of those counting 2020 as a 2010's year because that doesn't make any sense and I know that there was no year 0, but there have been enough leap years to give you over 365 days worth of leap days.

It's been a wild ride. One that while it started off rough. ended with the best thing I could ever imagine. Let's get started with the decade recap. Disclaimer: I am not doing a super high detailed recap, otherwise I'd be writing a book.

2010:
This was the year I had "graduated" elementary school and made the transition to middle school. Middle school was interesting. A lot more people to meet, and the age that kids start to enter their pubescent years. Which means as a guy (I can't speak for girls) that the hostility goes up. Sometimes. It was a year I had finally experienced what bullying was like. And sadly because I didn't know better, I just threw insults back at the bullies. Was I a bully? Maybe, most likely even. It was a rough start to middle school.

2011:
6th to 7th grade was interesting. I kept on dealing with the same bullies because I had never really spoken up about the bullying I was getting. It seemed to just be a contest each day to see who had come up with the better insult. I'm not sure why I never spoke to my parents about it. It was chewing at me from the inside out and I hadn't known then, but it would really bring me down. I didn't know that I should've left that "friend" group and make new friends, because I am a shy person when it comes to meeting people. I love to make new friends, I just didn't and still don't know how.

2012:
Bullying was still a major part of my middle school years. It caused me to become self-conscious and hate the fact that I am on the chubbier side. I mean I still do hate the fact that I can't get rid of the body fat around my belly, at least not to where I'd like it to be. Imagine a kid who's 170-180 pounds and maybe 5'4"? I don't remember my height.

2013:
This was the year I would graduate from middle school and go on into high school. It was also the year I had experienced summer school because I didn't do well enough in my math class in 8th grade to suffice for the Engineering program I was enrolled in for high school. It felt nice to leave middle school and all it's bad memories. Nostalgic because of all the good ones. But frightening because high school is a whole new place and I knew that the same people who gave me trouble in middle school were going to the same high school as me (you had 2 choices in our district).

2014:
I would discover through the latter half of freshman year and the beginning half of sophomore year that the Engineering program was either not for me, or that my procrastination skills are impressively high. Probably the latter because I still procrastinate. But regardless, that first year and a half of school in a tough program that I didn't put nearly enough effort into caused me to bring my GPA down to 2 point something by the end of my career. I was not even close to a stellar student, and sadly I still am not. One thing I am thankful for is that the Engineering program allowed for me to not see some old bullies because of the class requirement differences.

2015:
This is when high school became fun. I had started making "Let's Play" YouTube videos because my sister had made one for her Minecraft build. So I gave it a shot and kept on making videos. Well that was end of 2014 when I started. Eventually the kids at school found my YouTube channel and started calling me by my screen name, DragonPupps. At first I shied away because I thought that the one thing I enjoyed doing at home would become something that I would get bullied about. Eventually I would realize that it's free promotion of the name in case anyone ever asked about why that name, and then I just didn't let any insults get to me. By the end of sophomore year and going into junior year, I had embraced the name and soon there were no more insults thrown my way. I became untouchable, even invincible. It was a good feeling and a respite for a weary soul.

2016:
Junior year I had skipped prom because I didn't get to ask anyone out. It sounds dumb but all throughout my high school years I had been trying and trying to find someone to date. And sure that was dumb. I don't know what I was expecting to get out of dating. I didn't even really know what dating meant. But I wanted to. I'm not sure if it was something I wanted to experience, something for fun, or for status? In all honesty whatever it was, it was a dumb reason. Alas, I spent a decent amount of time through my 4 years of high school trying to find a girlfriend. By the end of this year, I had completed my senior year of high school. In the spring, I had visited schools for college. I had hesitation on going to Liberty University because 452 miles away from home seemed far, especially because of how close I am with my family, and because I'm a big momma's boy (don't you dare touch my mom, I will kill you). When we visited, I felt like I wanted to go to LU without even applying to the other schools I had visited. I even told my parents I was going to go as soon as I was accepted. They told me to wait for all the responses first. Come fall of that year, LU accepts my application and I once again said I wanted to go. We were waiting on 2 more responses.

2017:
The end of senior year was upon me. I had received my other responses and also visited LU for CFAW to really see if that was the school for me. Oh and for KING & COUNTRY was there for a concert, so it was mega hype (in case you didn't know, my mom and I really love for KING & COUNTRY and we've done a lot of traveling, gone to many concerts, and have a lot of their merch and CD's. But I'm not going to add much more about them here because it would add so much reading for you). Upon staying there in Commons 2 (which was nice but cleaning a bathroom or splitting duties with someone I didn't know yet was not my speed), I had decided that I wanted to go. The 3rd time I would say yes to the school. Side note, I am not great at making decisions as I want to make sure everyone is okay with the decision and that no one feels like they aren't going to enjoy themselves.

That summer, I had a lot of piano practicing to do because I hadn't practiced enough that I failed the final test by the National Guild of Piano Teachers the first time. So I practiced 3 hours a day every single day until the test. I retook the test and got a 97 out o 99.5. Not sure why they don't just add 0.5 to reach a total score of 100, but hey that's an excellent score (higher than my piano teacher by 2.5 or more points might I add haha).

In the fall, I would start my career as a Liberty Flame. It was crazy meeting people, trying to manage my schedule, learning how to room with people that aren't family. What a crazy time. It was an amazing year, 2017. From my best high school year ever, to a school I feel so welcome and so loved at.

2018:
This was an interesting year. I had finished my first year of college, and man where did the time go? I made so many great friends, and some that I still talk to on a near daily basis. I would also start my second year of college. Honestly, now that I'm writing this, I can't remember all that much of my second semester of freshman year. The one thing I do remember is that I had created a small friend group, centered around Assassin's Creed. We were the Contempo Brotherhood. We all liked or played Assassin's Creed to a certain extent and it was a fun group. Until I received the cold shoulder from some and then the group dissolved. It was fun while it lasted though. Side note: that "Brotherhood" was started in junior year of high school with me and my best friend from home. Then second year was interesting. My best friend who I met by seemingly chance, although was probably God's plan (I mean what isn't in His plan?) and I had decided to room again on the same residence hall (Circle 25 floor 3) with someone who we thought was kinda a good idea at first but sadly we would come to learn he's not the greatest roommate. A good friend, maybe, but not a good roommate. We've had some interesting complications about props and hounding people for money, wow it was strange.

2019:
So now we're here, talking about 2019. The first half was interesting, finishing off the year of college that I had the not-so great roommate, as well as joining a new friend group that in hindsight was so much fun, but really horrible for my personal development. I'm ashamed of the language I started using again, and have used in a lot of my early blog posts (because I had started this blog early this year), but I'm not going to delete those posts to remind myself of where I was and where I can go. Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. That friend group I was a part of was incredibly fun. We did so much together, had so many late night talks, bonded real close and real fast. Then there was the fallout. It was a shame that all of it fell apart. Sure I might've been the catalyst, but everyone had their inner problems with one another and I guess it was only a matter of time.

Summer came around and I had been working out a lot at the gym and spending a lot of time training at the aikido dojo I train at. July 31st, 2019 is when I would finally receive the rank of shodan, or 1st degree black belt. I had wanted this the end of 2017 and partially 2018, so I fought for it hard and hard work does pay off. I had discovered a passion for aikido, so I'm kind of hoping that is where God is calling me, but I will go wherever the Lord wants to lead me.

The fall semester this year. Wow oh wow, I couldn't have asked for a better one. As I have confessed on this blog before, I am the Liberty Batman. Which started in April of this year. Over the summer I noticed one of the followers cosplayed the Red Hood. So I invited him to have access to the account and post as the Red Hood. Over time I had gotten a Nightwing, Spoiler, Orphan, Batgirl, and Azrael. So we created the Liberty Batfamily. And this has ultimately become the absolute best friend group I have ever been a part of. I don't say that to just say that. It's because we've lasted a whole semester (so time wise we're doing great) plus we're all like-minded it would seem and all are good friends. This semester was also a whirlwind. Between crushing on someone who initially was only a follower of the Batman account, to getting the beans spilled, to also getting to her better and now (to my heart's content) be best friends with her. I couldn't have asked for a better semester with great and best friends. All of this makes this decade worth it.

Conclusion:
First off when I say that last sentence "makes this decade worth it", truth be told, I have not been in the best places over these past couple of years. Honestly, there have been times when for just the briefest of moments I had contemplated suicide. Because I had felt lost. Because I didn't know where my life was headed. Because I had been failing academically for a semester or two and I felt guilt and shame. But there was my God to get me through it all. Each time the Devil would tempt me "just end it all, no worries about failing classes, or not knowing where your life goes", my Lord my God would intervene. It's not like He spoke with a loud booming voice or anything I could strictly identify as Him, but He spoke through loved ones, and gave me reassurances. Through my sister texting me out of worry and said "Geoff, I love you". Through my former resident shepherd, Marcus, when he surprise visited the hall this semester, because God knows of the bond Marcus and I have.

So yes, I've had dark moments. I've dealt with the worst parts of my life thus far. I know the bad is not done yet because the Devil wants to win, but I know that there's a God who has me in His plans, in His hands, and never has forsaken me. It excites me to follow Him and go where He wants me to go.

2020 is going to be an amazing year, and the 2020's is going to be an amazing decade. I have the best people as my friends, and the God of the universe on my side, fighting for me.

So cheers, 2019. Thank you for being my childhood. For being half of my life. For giving me the lows that I may learn how to rise. Because as Thomas Wayne asks to be repeated by Alfred Pennyworth later, "Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up." It's a powerful quote. And I thank God for allowing me to fall so that I may seek after Him to get back up. To rise.

Deshi basara..... He rises.

Seems Cold

Before I begin, I just want to state for the record that it's no one's fault and that I'm the one who got too attached to things. There I said it. Now we can begin.

So if you've noticed in my posts, I've stated the phrase "I love you" in regards to my crush. I mean the fact of the matter is that I do. But she has decided that she wants to wait until we're officially dating/in a relationship before we continue saying it. I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty, because that's not necessary to this post. Out of respect for her, her thoughts, her opinions, and just everything, I'll refrain from using the phrase for until this relationship develops more if it's in God's will for it to develop more.

I get the idea. You probably shouldn't say "I love you" to someone if you're not in a relationship with them, at least not towards someone you have more than platonic feelings for. I don't mean to write this post out of bitterness or anything. It's just more of a shock to my mind. Not because of anything more than just the feeling of the messages being colder.

And you might be thinking, "Geoff, you're buggin'. How can a text message have temperature?" Well the idea is that some things have a warmth, some things are cold. Like a "cold shoulder" isn't because the shoulder is legitimately cold. Or warm music isn't because the airwaves are warm (although I guess they could be).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it feels odd. I've probably gotten too attached to the phrase and just being all romantic or flirty or what have you, so that's the shock. But in reality the idea makes sense, and if I am to be a man/be mature about it all, I need to respect her decisions. If waiting is what I need to do, or just being patient in general, then that's what I'll do/be.

I do care about her. I do appreciate her. She's one of the best things that has ever happened to me in my life, and I don't want to be immature or become hostile over a decision she makes. She's her own person, and I need to respect her. I guess I just got to get used to the way things were before we started using the phrase. It's not a big deal, so this blog post is making it sound like a bigger deal than it should be.

To my crush, I just want you to know that if you're reading this, I'm not upset or angry or frustrated. I'm just longing for the more with you. I just want to be with you and express my feelings to you. I know there are others ways I can do that, so don't feel bad. Please do not blame yourself for this. It mildly upsets me when you blame yourself for something that isn't your fault. Because if we're going to place blame on people, it should be me. I didn't stop it, I did nothing but encourage it, in fact I took the opportunity and I ran with it. So it's my fault if you want to put blame. Don't blame yourself, okay?

The One Needed Or Deserved? TBD

Okay maybe I titled it merely for the Batman reference. But when you wander into a blog named "Into Vengeance. Into the Night. Into Batman" what did you think you were going to get?

Anyways, so my crush (as I've chosen to refer to her) is just super lovable. And idk if it's still the mushy phase or not but I just love her.

So it's kinda dumb/funny how it all happened, but basically we were all playing Minecraft, and I console commanded some fun clocks that sent you to the moon (knockback level 10,000). My crush said to not include her in the bashing, and one of my friends must've not read her saying that in chat. So he hit her. So I bashed him with my clock, killing him in game and then said "don't hit [crush] :p". Then he came back and then my sister bashed him to death. At some point my crush killed my friend with a previously generated weapon, and then he used console commands to kill her then kill me. So I did the same. I also temporarily revoked his admin privileges (I gave it back no worries).

So what does killing each other in PvP/using commands have anything to do with it? Well, I texted my crush saying "I'll protect you" followed by an "I will always protect you". I mean as a guy I should be able to protect her, and Biblically as a man I should be the protector. Sure it's something as silly as Minecraft, but whatever. If it's real life or in a game I'll protect her no matter what it costs.

She eventually says she's got to go to bed and then addresses me as her hero. And idk what prompted it nor do I know to what extent she actually means it, but it felt good. It felt really good to be her hero, even for a split second.

Maybe because I try to emulate Batman and be a (silent) guardian or a (watchful) protector. It felt good and I hope to keep being her hero.

So am I the hero she needs or the hero she deserves? We'll let her decide and time will tell. I certainly do hope I can be whatever she needs me to be and whatever she deserves (of which she deserves nothing but the absolute best).

To my crush, thank you for warming my heart and for giving me a title I had unknowingly yearned for.

The End

No this post did not require 12 Eyes of Ender to create.

Joke's aside, I'm here to just, idk write. The end of my 5th semester has arrived. Sure I've got 1 more final, but that's gonna be easy.

I just want to say that I'm thankful and grateful for this semester. It's been an amazing run. Sure I could've done better. Sure I could be halfway through junior year instead of being a sophomore by credit. There's definitely a lot of things that could have happened. But there's no point to dwell in the past, or long for the what could have been. I want to take this post to counter my last post. To be grateful instead of full of regret and doubt.

This semester, I've had a lot of fun. And maybe too much fun, but it was good. I've made thousands of memories with friends, and I've met some especially amazing people. I want to take my failures of this past time and take it as a wake up call. I want to be more optimistic and thankful rather than pessimistic and doubtful.

I am looking forward to 2020. I want to be more trusting of God and what He's doing. I want to be more thankful for all the little things in life and all the things I take for granted. I want to be more intentional and better salt and light.

This has been a good semester. Maybe not the most advancing for my college career, but the most growth for me as a person. Sure I need to get my life in order, but I need to take that to the root and get more invested in my spiritual faith. To seek more after the One who knows where I've been, where I am, and where I go.

The end of one thing is here. And I don't want to be sad about it ending. I want to be glad that it happened. Here's to 2020 and whatever the future brings. Here's to something great provided by the Lord. And here's to trusting the Lord with everything, to reading His Word and to praying to Him. Even with my failures, I can choose to stay down, or I can learn to pick myself back up.

It's time for me to rise.

Deshi basara (a reference to what an old man in a pit in the middle east once said about a fallen knight)

Trust

I know that I'm supposed to trust God in all He does and for the plan for my life. But sometimes I get to thinking whenever I'm left alone with my thoughts. I sometimes worry for my future because of current circumstances or whatever reason my mind gives me, or maybe even whatever Satan is whispering to me, to get me to worry about the future. I hear it over and over again and maybe that's because I'm at the "world's largest Christian university", and maybe it's just the simple truth, but it's hard for me to just trust God and walk blindly.

For context, assuming you've not been on here for long but even if you have here's a reminder, I've not been the most stellar student. I've struggled academically pretty much ever since high school. And a good portion of it is because of my procrastination or just pure laziness. And even if I were to plan to do better in the next year or the next semester, I start off strong but then slack off because I get too confident in the easiest part of the year/semester (for high school or college respectively). And I guess you could always argue, "well Geoff, if you're concerned about your academic performance, either seek out someone to help keep you on track, or just be a responsible adult like you're supposed to be and just do what you came to college to do".

I'm a third year in college, but only a sophomore by credit because of failing classes and major changes and everything in between. And here I am trying to figure out how to keep on moving with my life. My degree is interesting but I have no clue what I'm going to do with it. What does one do with a bachelor's in psychology? I'd need to go on to get a Master's if not a Doctorate, but that means more schooling, and given my current academic performance, I don't know even know if I'd be accepted into grad school. Sometimes I don't even know if I'll even finish my Bachelor's because I'm just so lacking in effort and for whatever reason not motivated enough to keep myself on track.

Then it all builds into fear. I've not told my parents yet, and I owe it to them since they're helping me to pay for college. I've not told them that if I were to go on to finish this B.S., I'd be here for a 5 year track in comparison to the 4 years of schooling I should've been able to do it in. And I know that not everyone is the same and that some people take longer to finish college than others, but come on. What excuses do I have for being this lazy or whatever you want to call it?

I just want to do whatever God wants for me to do while I'm here on Earth. I want to glorify Him in all ways possible: in my career (whatever it is), any and all relationships whether platonic or romantic, and in everything I say and do. I want to trust God that there's still a plan for me, but I guess I'm buying too much into the whispers and seeds of doubt that are being planted by the Devil. That I'm not good enough, that I'll never finish school, that I don't even have a back-up plan if for whatever reason I were to drop out or anything like that.

I know that if I were to ask any of my friends for guidance as to what I'm supposed to do, they'd just tell me to pray about it. And believe me, I want to believe them that prayer works, and I suppose it does because I can already think of instances in which it does, but I guess I just don't know what I'm praying for. For the next step? For motivation to do better in school? I don't even know. It scares me. The uncertainty of the future and the fear of being a disappointment to friends and family. To realize that I've mostly been living and taking things for granted. To think that life is easy, when in reality it's because I've been blessed with a good life and I'm just not realizing all of the hard work that went into making this life a good and easy one.

Sometimes I wish I knew what it was like to truly struggle. Then I would like to think I'd actually do better because I'd realize the true value of the opportunities I'm being offered by being a college student. That while I may be uncertain of the future, that I am more fortunate than others and that I should really be making the most of everything that I'm doing here. I don't want to follow the train of thought that "oh maybe school isn't necessarily for the academic learning and more for the life lessons that you've learned. How to live with other people who are not family, how to deal with situations when people confront you in x y and z, or whatever else".

I'm too focused on the future and things that I want in life that I never think of what I'm going to do now to achieve those goals. I want to be a husband and father some day. I want to raise a family and give them a good life like how I've been given a good life. But I'm not proactive enough in what I'm doing in the here and now that I'm chasing dreams without coming up with a logical and feasible plan.

I suppose this is a slight call out in desperation. But I don't want to be a pity case, and I want to be more. I want to be the man I'm called to be, the man that some people deserve if not even more than that, but how am I going to achieve that? I don't know what to do.

I guess in the end of the day it's to trust God, to pray more, and to read the Bible more. I suppose I really need to dig into my faith and get my life together. If you're reading this, I would appreciate prayer. I know I need to do it myself as well and not just rely on others, but anything and everything helps.

Spontaneous Adventures

It's 4:21 a.m., and yes you read that correctly, and I should be asleep. But here's a quick (maybe) late night post.

I typically don't leave my dorm once I come back, even if it's only 9 p.m. or anything. Only exception being if there's a hall event for me to go to or something to do (i.e. tonight's, or last night's depending on how you view it, Christmas caroling to the girl dorms at 10 p.m.). But tonight I was on Minecraft with my friends all the way up to 2 a.m. You might be thinking, okay so what? Well then we decided to go out and go to Cook-Out. Well we tried anyways. The line was too long so we ditched and went to Waffle House instead. We had some fun times telling stories, making jokes, and just having fun as all our brains shut down at this late hour.

We got back and I had to park about a half mile from the dorms because all the parking was taken. It was good because I got to walk back with my crush (idk how else to conceal her identity, so "crush" will be the term for now). It was nice to just make more memories, even as crazy as we were for doing this.

I walked my crush back to her dorm because it was a late hour, and perhaps I was paranoid or just too tired so my senses were heightened/not at normal, but I felt like I had to keep checking over my shoulder. Besides if nothing else I need the exercise and it only adds like 5 minutes. My crush surprised me with a hug, and let me tell you that it felt good. Really good. Idk, maybe I'm buggin' but I just really feel good around her. I've got some good vibes about this, so I hope that I can just be my best. Some things, I guess for the time being are better left unsaid for now.

To my crush who might be reading this, know that I really value memories and everything like tonight. I love you.

12.... a bit belated

It's December 2nd, which means I've neglected to write post titled "12" yesterday. Whoops.

For those who are unaware, I've had several posts at the start of each month labeled with the number of the month. September was 9, October was 10, etc.

I don't really know what I want to talk about in these posts, all I know is that I just like to write stuff and post it on my blog. So here we go:

I guess these posts typically end up being about stuff I've been thankful for over the past month since the last numbered post. And then there's also looking forward as to what the month holds. Quite a lot has happened in November, I mean even just refer to the last post before this.

Honestly, I'm not sure what my life ahead of me holds. There's a whole lot of uncertainty, and a whole lot of anxiety that comes with that uncertainty. Sometimes that anxiety is caused from my own laziness and procrastination (whoops), but then other parts of it are because I've just not really known what it's like to struggle and have to fight for everything in my life. I mean I've lived a pretty spoiled life in comparison to some of my friends. I've not had to worry about how I get to school, what I'm going to eat, what I'm going to wear. I've had access to so many luxuries like having my own phone, laptop, access to internet, TV, the list goes on and on. And I've not really had to work for any of it, save for a few chores to be done here and there like help clean the house, or help mow the lawn in the spring and summer. I've had the ability to be able to just spend my own money as I please, and to have my own car to drive that I again didn't have to pay for.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I mean it's been a great life I've lived for the past 20 years. I also don't mean to blame my parents for me being lazy, because it's just that I've gotten too comfortable and for a long while was probably taking things for granted and not realizing that life is going to include work, paying bills, raising a family, etc. And as I get older and as I watch some of my friends get engaged or even married, or even hear talk of some friends thinking about marriage or what they want to do after college, and I'm here a bit behind where I should've been in my college career, and I'm just asking myself "what's wrong with me?"

Don't take that as I'm getting depressed or just blaming myself either. I mean sure some of the blame should go to me for procrastinating and everything, but my timeline is not going to mirror anyone else's timeline. I guess I'm just worried for my future because I'm not sure if I am ready for it. I want to be ready for it. I also want to trust God in everything I do. But I also don't want to get apathetic and just say "okay God I trust you" and then just not do anything with my life. Or at least not be proactive about what I should be doing in life.

I have goals for myself, I'm just unsure of how to reach those goals. Some goals being that one day I want to be married, I want to have kids, and I want to have a good career. I don't know how I'm going to achieve a good career given my lack of performance in academics. And while sure I could in theory just keep on training in aikido and then become an instructor and open my own aikido dojo somewhere and do that for a job, I need to be training more and doing everything that I can to get to a point where I can teach. I'm only a first degree black belt as of this past July, and while there's not exactly a requirement for what rank one has to be in order to teach, I'd like to be at least third degree just so that I can hold some authority should someone higher than first degree show up and want to question if I am able to be an instructor.

While yes all that takes is more time and more training, I'm already 20, supposedly a junior (a third year in college, but with failures and major changes, I'm only a sophomore by credit) and nowhere near skilled enough to teach.

So with all that being said, I need to get my life in order. If I ever want to be a husband some day, I gotta get a good career lined up, or at least some plan more than "oh I have some ideas with what I can do with a psychology degree" if I know that academics isn't a strong suit for me. Again that's not to say I won't try in school, it's just that I sometimes wonder what my purpose for being at Liberty is.

All in all, I'm excited for what December holds as it's the last month of the 2010's decade. It's been a good run, and as many people have been saying, it may be time for me to say goodbye to my childhood since now I'm 20 and entering the 2020's as a legal adult. I want to trust God more, and I want to know the next step or at least have some guidance towards the next step.

So for anyone who is reading this, I'd love it if you could pray for me to find where God wants me to go in life. If it's academics, then I'm going to have to try harder. If it's aikido, I'll have to train harder. Or if it's even something I'm not even considering at the moment, then that God will reveal the path one step at a time in the direction He wants me to go in life.

December, let's do this.