Trust

I know that I'm supposed to trust God in all He does and for the plan for my life. But sometimes I get to thinking whenever I'm left alone with my thoughts. I sometimes worry for my future because of current circumstances or whatever reason my mind gives me, or maybe even whatever Satan is whispering to me, to get me to worry about the future. I hear it over and over again and maybe that's because I'm at the "world's largest Christian university", and maybe it's just the simple truth, but it's hard for me to just trust God and walk blindly.

For context, assuming you've not been on here for long but even if you have here's a reminder, I've not been the most stellar student. I've struggled academically pretty much ever since high school. And a good portion of it is because of my procrastination or just pure laziness. And even if I were to plan to do better in the next year or the next semester, I start off strong but then slack off because I get too confident in the easiest part of the year/semester (for high school or college respectively). And I guess you could always argue, "well Geoff, if you're concerned about your academic performance, either seek out someone to help keep you on track, or just be a responsible adult like you're supposed to be and just do what you came to college to do".

I'm a third year in college, but only a sophomore by credit because of failing classes and major changes and everything in between. And here I am trying to figure out how to keep on moving with my life. My degree is interesting but I have no clue what I'm going to do with it. What does one do with a bachelor's in psychology? I'd need to go on to get a Master's if not a Doctorate, but that means more schooling, and given my current academic performance, I don't know even know if I'd be accepted into grad school. Sometimes I don't even know if I'll even finish my Bachelor's because I'm just so lacking in effort and for whatever reason not motivated enough to keep myself on track.

Then it all builds into fear. I've not told my parents yet, and I owe it to them since they're helping me to pay for college. I've not told them that if I were to go on to finish this B.S., I'd be here for a 5 year track in comparison to the 4 years of schooling I should've been able to do it in. And I know that not everyone is the same and that some people take longer to finish college than others, but come on. What excuses do I have for being this lazy or whatever you want to call it?

I just want to do whatever God wants for me to do while I'm here on Earth. I want to glorify Him in all ways possible: in my career (whatever it is), any and all relationships whether platonic or romantic, and in everything I say and do. I want to trust God that there's still a plan for me, but I guess I'm buying too much into the whispers and seeds of doubt that are being planted by the Devil. That I'm not good enough, that I'll never finish school, that I don't even have a back-up plan if for whatever reason I were to drop out or anything like that.

I know that if I were to ask any of my friends for guidance as to what I'm supposed to do, they'd just tell me to pray about it. And believe me, I want to believe them that prayer works, and I suppose it does because I can already think of instances in which it does, but I guess I just don't know what I'm praying for. For the next step? For motivation to do better in school? I don't even know. It scares me. The uncertainty of the future and the fear of being a disappointment to friends and family. To realize that I've mostly been living and taking things for granted. To think that life is easy, when in reality it's because I've been blessed with a good life and I'm just not realizing all of the hard work that went into making this life a good and easy one.

Sometimes I wish I knew what it was like to truly struggle. Then I would like to think I'd actually do better because I'd realize the true value of the opportunities I'm being offered by being a college student. That while I may be uncertain of the future, that I am more fortunate than others and that I should really be making the most of everything that I'm doing here. I don't want to follow the train of thought that "oh maybe school isn't necessarily for the academic learning and more for the life lessons that you've learned. How to live with other people who are not family, how to deal with situations when people confront you in x y and z, or whatever else".

I'm too focused on the future and things that I want in life that I never think of what I'm going to do now to achieve those goals. I want to be a husband and father some day. I want to raise a family and give them a good life like how I've been given a good life. But I'm not proactive enough in what I'm doing in the here and now that I'm chasing dreams without coming up with a logical and feasible plan.

I suppose this is a slight call out in desperation. But I don't want to be a pity case, and I want to be more. I want to be the man I'm called to be, the man that some people deserve if not even more than that, but how am I going to achieve that? I don't know what to do.

I guess in the end of the day it's to trust God, to pray more, and to read the Bible more. I suppose I really need to dig into my faith and get my life together. If you're reading this, I would appreciate prayer. I know I need to do it myself as well and not just rely on others, but anything and everything helps.