12.... a bit belated

It's December 2nd, which means I've neglected to write post titled "12" yesterday. Whoops.

For those who are unaware, I've had several posts at the start of each month labeled with the number of the month. September was 9, October was 10, etc.

I don't really know what I want to talk about in these posts, all I know is that I just like to write stuff and post it on my blog. So here we go:

I guess these posts typically end up being about stuff I've been thankful for over the past month since the last numbered post. And then there's also looking forward as to what the month holds. Quite a lot has happened in November, I mean even just refer to the last post before this.

Honestly, I'm not sure what my life ahead of me holds. There's a whole lot of uncertainty, and a whole lot of anxiety that comes with that uncertainty. Sometimes that anxiety is caused from my own laziness and procrastination (whoops), but then other parts of it are because I've just not really known what it's like to struggle and have to fight for everything in my life. I mean I've lived a pretty spoiled life in comparison to some of my friends. I've not had to worry about how I get to school, what I'm going to eat, what I'm going to wear. I've had access to so many luxuries like having my own phone, laptop, access to internet, TV, the list goes on and on. And I've not really had to work for any of it, save for a few chores to be done here and there like help clean the house, or help mow the lawn in the spring and summer. I've had the ability to be able to just spend my own money as I please, and to have my own car to drive that I again didn't have to pay for.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I mean it's been a great life I've lived for the past 20 years. I also don't mean to blame my parents for me being lazy, because it's just that I've gotten too comfortable and for a long while was probably taking things for granted and not realizing that life is going to include work, paying bills, raising a family, etc. And as I get older and as I watch some of my friends get engaged or even married, or even hear talk of some friends thinking about marriage or what they want to do after college, and I'm here a bit behind where I should've been in my college career, and I'm just asking myself "what's wrong with me?"

Don't take that as I'm getting depressed or just blaming myself either. I mean sure some of the blame should go to me for procrastinating and everything, but my timeline is not going to mirror anyone else's timeline. I guess I'm just worried for my future because I'm not sure if I am ready for it. I want to be ready for it. I also want to trust God in everything I do. But I also don't want to get apathetic and just say "okay God I trust you" and then just not do anything with my life. Or at least not be proactive about what I should be doing in life.

I have goals for myself, I'm just unsure of how to reach those goals. Some goals being that one day I want to be married, I want to have kids, and I want to have a good career. I don't know how I'm going to achieve a good career given my lack of performance in academics. And while sure I could in theory just keep on training in aikido and then become an instructor and open my own aikido dojo somewhere and do that for a job, I need to be training more and doing everything that I can to get to a point where I can teach. I'm only a first degree black belt as of this past July, and while there's not exactly a requirement for what rank one has to be in order to teach, I'd like to be at least third degree just so that I can hold some authority should someone higher than first degree show up and want to question if I am able to be an instructor.

While yes all that takes is more time and more training, I'm already 20, supposedly a junior (a third year in college, but with failures and major changes, I'm only a sophomore by credit) and nowhere near skilled enough to teach.

So with all that being said, I need to get my life in order. If I ever want to be a husband some day, I gotta get a good career lined up, or at least some plan more than "oh I have some ideas with what I can do with a psychology degree" if I know that academics isn't a strong suit for me. Again that's not to say I won't try in school, it's just that I sometimes wonder what my purpose for being at Liberty is.

All in all, I'm excited for what December holds as it's the last month of the 2010's decade. It's been a good run, and as many people have been saying, it may be time for me to say goodbye to my childhood since now I'm 20 and entering the 2020's as a legal adult. I want to trust God more, and I want to know the next step or at least have some guidance towards the next step.

So for anyone who is reading this, I'd love it if you could pray for me to find where God wants me to go in life. If it's academics, then I'm going to have to try harder. If it's aikido, I'll have to train harder. Or if it's even something I'm not even considering at the moment, then that God will reveal the path one step at a time in the direction He wants me to go in life.

December, let's do this.