Fading Out

For a long time, and well I guess in the grand scheme of things it's not really that long, but in comparison to the time that this blog has been around (closing in to 17 months now) I've been writing at least one post per day like clockwork. Ever since the oh-so-frequently-mentioned "February Fallout" back on February 4th, 2020, it's been going strong as my place to think, to vent, to write, to express myself in the only way I knew how that wasn't inherently destructive to any other relationships I had or any physical item (I guess in a ways I did/do have some anger issues). It wasn't until this month, June 2020, that I had stopped writing every day. Maybe it was because I started running out of ideas. Maybe I just didn't feel the time or energy was available to write everyday for maybe one or two people to read it. Maybe it just wasn't where I needed to be.

Sometimes, we hide away in places we know are safe, or at least safe enough for us to be vulnerable and let our guards down. But sometimes we just go back to what we knew and what we had deemed as familiar and comfortable. And sometimes that's bad. Sometimes it ends up being a place of festering darkness or hurt that cannot be healed properly. And maybe that was what was going on with me here.

I don't mean to say that my blog is inherently evil or that I will constantly be in pain just because I was writing here on the daily, but I have to wonder if the blog really helped me. And I mean really helped me as far as healing and processing went. Because if you think about it, yes I did get a space to write and just let my thoughts pour out from my mind onto paper (well screen) and just see it in ink (well black and white text, but you get the point). I got so caught up in thinking "yeah, I can heal here because I can write out how I feel on the day, what I had come to think about, and really just work things out." But as I look back on it, maybe it was helpful for the first week or two, maybe even the first month. After that? Well, I feel like maybe I dwelt too much on the past and kept wondering what went wrong and where and how I could fix it all. How could I repair the connections and bridges I once had after I was the one who set them ablaze? And at some point, maybe it became an unhealthy obsession with "I have to write something today otherwise I won't maintain my writing streak." And then the recurring topic was something to do with the fallout or any of its after effects.

I do have to say that there were some good posts in there that needed to be written such as my work stresses or any of my successes or higher points in life. And I do have to give credit that this blog did help me to write things out and then send posts to various close friends so that I could have them examine it from a third party view after I had let my emotion and inner thoughts out. Because I feel like if I were to go direct with my friends, that I might withhold information or thoughts because I'd be afraid of how they would react. But by writing it all out and giving them the whole package, then maybe just maybe I could give them everything and not have so much worry.

After only have 7 (now 8) posts on this blog for the month of June, I have been finding higher points in my life now that I'm not sucked into writing a post every night after dinner and not really chilling in front of the TV or playing a video game, etc. I mean I write one now because I kinda wanted to write a post, I just didn't know what and didn't commit enough energy until now. Life has been getting better and I think this is truly the healing. Maybe I just jinxed myself by saying that, but other posts not too long ago mentioned how I thought I had found the healing and was going upwards. Now as I think about it, maybe that was false and I was tricking no one except myself, because as you can see not too long ago was a question still wondering if I should send a final letter to the affected parties of the February Fallout (of which the determining factor in if I send it is whenever I feel comfortable with sending it and being okay with never getting a response because that just might happen. Maybe the letters won't even be opened, maybe they will. Maybe it will send the ball into their court and its up to them if they will return the ball to me once or if they'll let it stay in their court and abandon the game. Who knows?)

Now as I go on, I have found new friends who I can laugh with, make jokes with, relate with when we talk about food (because food industry naturally leads to talk about food), dark humor, video games (like Skyrim, Overwatch, Dark Souls), and just making new memories with people who I would almost call a second family. I have found someone who caught my fancy (maaaaaybe I shouldn't write this since my blog is easily discovered on my Facebook but here we go) and with my friends hyping me up and giving me guidance on pacing and course of action, I'm feeling good. I feel content about my work and while it's not the most difficult job, it's still a job in which I am learning to be a leader and being a servant. To lead and take on tasks and responsibilities as they are handed to me (now that I open the store and have to guide everyone until the shift lead comes in) and as I serve others and coworkers with helping out wherever and whenever I can. Life's been turning out to be better now, as I am 4 months into this.

With all that being said, I don't know the next time I will blog. Will it be June? July? August even? Never again? I don't know (honestly I doubt it on it being never again) but what I do know is that I'm going to try my best to not focus on finding something to write and talk about on this blog, but to live in my day to day and find what's good in life. And then after that? Well, I think I need to start being more grateful for everything that I am being given and how good life is turning out to be. Because who knows when the next big "downfall" will be that will rock the boat and turn me upside down again. As I once said in my senior year posts during high school, to embrace and cherish the moments as we see them because by the time you realize something is part of the "good times" is the time when it's just a distant memory and you're now stuck in the past, wishing to go back for just one more second.

To roll credits (as CinemaSins would say), this is my fading out. Because as you can tell, post frequency has dropped significantly, but it's time I really got back into the world and focused on being in the world rather than saying I'm getting back out there and really I'm cowering behind my screen, writing blog posts on the daily and not actively searching to create or build upon new friendships and relationships, regardless if they are platonic or romantic.

So to any regular viewers of the blog, or anyone I may send this to: feel free to check back to see if I've written anymore, but don't hold your breath. I want to get back out there, and being stuck writing posts isn't the way to get out there. I'm stagnant here, but I can grow and flourish out there. And I want to grow. So this might be goodbye to the blog for awhile.

Thank you for reading this.

Yours Truly,

Geoffrey "DragonPupps" Yee

Dark Knight

It's Not A Name: It's A Title

I saw a post the other day and it inspired me to write this. Obviously.

A little while back, I once questioned whether or not I could be the Batman anymore. Whether I get to call myself Batman and be the hero that he is. And at times it felt wrong; that I didn't get to use the name as my own because I had fallen from my higher standards that I held for myself when I was actively running my Liberty Batman account.

Then a short bit after that, I had decided for myself that while the Batpham is no more and that I cannot be Liberty's Batman any longer, that I would still be the Batman. Because my fun and my entertainment shouldn't be ended over different circumstances that either out of my control or as a result of something I did or didn't do. That even while I took a hit to my entire life, self-esteem, sense of direction, etc., that that didn't have to be the end of Batman.

When I saw the post it was a picture of a comic page where Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn are asking Catwoman who's the man underneath the big bad bat's mask. I couldn't find the post again, but in it, Catwoman decides to cover up for Bruce and says that it's not just one man underneath. Because of all the beatings, bullets, knives, etc., there's no way one man could take it all. That "Batman" was a title for the next person in line of a list of people trained in the Bat's ways (strength, intellect, modus operandi, etc).

So it got me thinking.

There's a scene in The Dark Knight Rises (2012) that Detective John Blake asks Bruce about the Batman (earlier he had explained to Bruce he pieced together that Wayne was the Batman because of the mask he puts on and as an orphan who "puts on a mask" to hide his pain and anger of being orphaned). Bruce explains that the mask and idea of the Batman wasn't to be known as a hero or hailed as one either. It was to make it so that anyone could be the Batman. That "Batman" was just a symbol and a legend (as also explained in Batman Begins (2005) with the following quote: "As a man, I am flesh and blood, I can be ignored, I can be destroyed. But as a symbol... as a symbol I can be incorruptible. I can be everlasting.")

So with that what I want to take away from it all is that I will never be the only Batman, but that can't stop me from being Batman. That I can restart working on myself to get back to my higher standards. To uphold morals and values, to be an example and lead by example rather than rely on critiquing others. To be a servant leader and be ready to put others before myself; to be selfless and find contentment and satisfaction from being a help rather than tearing others down.

I may have been knocked down, but I'm not out. I can and will get back up. I can be a hero still. I can be a silent guardian. I can be a watchful protector. I can be a dark knight.

I am vengeance.

I am the night.

I am Batman.

Getting Back Into The World

About 2 months ago, I had written a post in which I paralleled my life to my favorite fictional character. I referenced the part in which Bruce had lost Rachel and was just waiting and not living. Hoping for things to "go bad again" because in his case, he wanted to just go back to the way things were as Batman. To before the tragic events that the Joker had caused. That he hadn't gone out into the world in 8 years and was just a hermit, not letting himself get a chance to go out and grow and find new life in the day to day, stuck wishing for the old to come back into his life.

And honestly, that wasn't too far off from what I was living about 2 months ago. I had been yearning for some miracle to happen and that I could get the Batpham back together. That I could restore the best friendships that I had before I had so carelessly gone and destroyed them. To douse the flames of burned bridges and try to cross the disintegrated ashes that were left. But I know now that that is not possible. That I must move on and mustn't be totally like Bruce, staying to myself for 8 years before taking a step back out.

I'm choosing to let go of the past, because what I have in front of me now is a great and awesome thing. I don't want to take it for granted nor discredit the good that it's brought into my life from giving me work experience, to teaching me lessons on how to deal with people on a professional level, to communicating with coworkers and taking orders from bosses and people higher up than me in the corporate world, you name it. I've also been given opportunities to start stepping up and taking on more responsibilities in my workplace and I have also been hinted at a promotion sometime in the relative near future. I don't know how near, but I am potentially being offered a spot in which I will become a leader. Well, a shift leader to be exact (I don't know what other promotion I could possibly get if the assistant manager and general manager aren't leaving), but a leadership position nonetheless. I will have to learn to be a leader and to learn organizational skills and mindsets to keep things on track and running smoothly.

I've also met some amazing people that I get the privilege to call my friends. I'm meeting plenty of people I never would have met if I had still been a student, but you know what, that's okay. They have been great friends and I think I want to start trying to make more of an effort to be friends with them outside of work instead of just keeping them at a workplace relationship and that's it. 

I'm feeling good where I'm at, and I feel thankful and grateful for the journey that has led me to where I am today. It's been rough trying to adapt to the new lifestyle, but it's getting better as I become more and more accustomed to it and learning what it means to be responsible and an adult. To start being more mature and to stop being as childish. Everything is still working out for me, and I think this is a good spot. I don't want to waste away anymore, hiding in the safeties of my home and my solitude, I want to start reaching out and making more out of the relationships I've created at work and once all the social distancing is ended and the state re-opens, I hope to make new and fun memories with these people I now call friends.

It's time for me to get back out into the world.

Just One More

I don't know why, but it's been in my head for who knows how long. I know that the damages are done, the words and actions have been said and committed, and there's no turning back. That everything is changed forever and there's no way to rewind the clocks or take back words or actions to bring things to the past. Time moves forward, people move on, life goes on, and if one were to sit around in the past, missing and clinging on to what was, then the future will dissipate and the present will be a shadow of its true potential if we aren't living there.

I say all these things, but here I am. Here I am wondering if I should just write one final letter to not just one party, but to both. To express my forgiveness in a different context than however I tried. To really forgive them and forget the trespasses onto me as I have to hope for forgiveness for the trespasses I have done to them. To forgive and forget.

Why is it that for so long, this idea of writing a letter has been in my mind? What would I even say? What do I even hope that these letters would achieve? Is there some greater goal I have in mind? Is there an outcome I am expecting/hoping for? Is there a part of me that thinks that if I write these letters that everything of the past few months is all the sudden undone and just water under the bridge? Because the truth of the matter is that there is no way to undo. There is no CTRL Z on life. And that's why I need to learn to measure my words and actions more carefully for I know not the consequences that may befall me if I go hastily into something because emotion and immaturity led me there.

I don't know the exact wording I would use nor do I know exactly what I would even write. So why do I even think about this.

Even if we entertain for a moment that this is the right thing to do, is it even the right time to send a letter? Is everything still too fresh that the receiving end won't even open my letter and choose to discard it and never know the contents of what I had said?

I know I know, I should just move on and accept that these people probably won't be in my life anymore, as I come to realize that so many other people who I never thought I would lose have gone on and only now am I realizing that there are so many people who once were a part of my life but no more. And that's all just a part of living. People come and go, some stay for longer periods of time than others, some you have more memories and interactions with, and some you just know.

But I can't help but shake the feeling of just sending this final letter. I guess someone's gonna just say, "pray about it", but I know my human mind and heart won't accept that because I am still impatient and immature, and not willing to just let go and wait for signs and messages that are out of reach and control. Human nature, I suppose, but to what cost will I let this tax upon me?

Original Plans

Maybe I shouldn't be writing about this, but since when have I ever actually heeded those words since while I don't know the count of how many times I've said something like that, I do know I've stated it bunches of times throughout this blog and continued to write and post. So here we go:

Tonight, or rather yesterday (it's after midnight as I write this, so technically I'm still thinking about June 5th while this post will be marked for June 6th), I was watching part of Doctor Strange on TV. It was relatively early on in the movie that we had started watching, around the part where Strange is looking for Kamar-Taj. At some point it reveals that his sole possession after spending all of his wealth and fortune trying to fix his trembling hands is a watch given to him by a former lover, Christine Palmer. On the back, it has an inscription that says, "Time will tell how much I love you." And then that got me thinking.

Okay okay, maybe I was crazy for thinking about these things so early on as nothing was ever official by the time any of these ideas had sprung up. Maybe I would've subconsciously contributed to the young proposals and getting married before/shortly after schooling at Liberty. At this point, if you don't know where this post is going, well it'll be obviously in the next few lines.

Anyways, back when I was close with Sophia, so before February and April, I had seen her as the perfect person for me. Maybe that's just because it was still relatively new in comparison to how long I've been alive or even how long that I've been searching for a relationship (again, I don't know why, but it was a 6-7 year search since 2013-14 during freshman year of high school, up until 2019-20 for obvious reasons). By the time these ideas came up, I had only known she had liked me for about a month, maybe a month and a half if I was lucky.

Moving on, the inscribed watch reminded me of one plan. And here's the part where I probably shouldn't be blogging about it, but I kinda wanted to write it all out for months now that things have fallen apart and there's no need to keep any of it a secret. I know that maybe once you read these "plans" I'll be seen as someone who got too far ahead of myself, or was moving too quickly, or x, y, or z, but hey I guess it's all in the past now and there's no more need to worry about it.

Back to the inscribed watch. I had a plan that either for Valentine's Day 2020 (this was before I had found out about my inability to return for the spring semester) or Sophia's 22nd birthday later this year (in October), I'd get her a flower. Not any flower, but a customized metal flower. The idea came to me from an Instagram ad and it's a silversmith (I guess?) who would make metal flowers and can customize it with engravings and colors. Now part of me figured to get it because 1) it's a flower and most girls like flowers (right?) and 2) I was going to get it customized with her favorite colors of pink (and blue) and then throw in some purple or something. Then the other aspect (here's where it ties into the watch from the movie) I was going to get her first, middle, and last name engraved on the petals and on the base say something like, "I will love you until this flower dies." Maybe that's a little quick moving, maybe it's a little cheesy. But the idea was that because at the time of this idea, I had seen her as the perfect girl for me because of all the things we had in common and similar interests for life as far as family and taking things slow, that this would have been something that was, well, acceptable. Because the idea behind that engraving was that that flower could never die, meaning my love for her could never die.

Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic who will take any chance he gets and run with it as far as he can go. But if you thought that this plan was too far ahead, just you wait for me to tell the other plan.

The way I see dating is an experiment of sorts. To see whether or not this is a person I could get along with and potentially marry. To date for fun is good in the moment, but a terrible thing for a long term and it really messes with people. My idea is to date for marriage and fun as a secondary aspect. Obviously you have got to have fun, but that wasn't the main objective.

With that being said and with the fact that I had seen her as perfect for me (because of personality, ideas, goals, interests, etc) I had already started formulating a potential proposal idea.

Boom. Thar she blows. The mega advanced planning. Why? Because we weren't even officially dating yet. I didn't even have the means of fulfilling these plans. There was no feasible way to accomplish it, but I guess I would've found something during breaks from school had everything gone the way I had originally imagined life would go for 2020.

Well, now that I mentioned, I guess I should describe the plan. Here goes nothing:

Sophia had never been to Disney World, and yet she loves Disney movies and references and everything. While she has said that she isn't really all that much into theme/amusement parks, I passively mentioned once or twice something along the lines of, "well maybe one day I'll take you there" to which she replied with something like, "oh that's so sweet of you." Then the idea popped into my head. Because I like puns so much and I figured it wasn't going to be out of character for me to go about it as such, I thought that maybe I'd save up the funds to go to Disney with her, and while I'm there, I'd propose to her. I know a little cliche. I even started formulating the wording. Yup, I was that far in my planning. Well I guess I didn't plan on how I was going to save up all that money to buy a ring and a Disney vacation, but I guess I've got the money settled now, just no one to execute said plan, nor could I even if I wanted to with Disney being closed.

Anyways, I was going to use some puns and make references to the ASDF movies on YouTube since we had frequently quoted them (just as I frequently quote memes in normal conversation). There's a bit about two characters saying things back and forth and one part of it says "you can't frog me, you're my wife. I'm not your wife, you're MY wife." So that led to me thinking I'd potentially combine some puns and that bit as I propose. It'd go something along the lines as so:

"Hey can I talk to you about something? *probably somewhere iconic in the theme parks, either Cinderella's castle or the Epcot globe thing or anything* I just wanted to let you know that life has been absolutely magical (because Disney's the most magical place on Earth) and that you are my world (if I have to explain this one...) *then I'd probably talk about the things I love about her leading up to the finale* [Sophia's full name] (for privacy reasons I'm not going to disclose it) I'm not your wife *gets down on knee* but will you be mine?"

Honestly, I kinda liked it and it's a shame that these plans are nothing but disintegrated plans. Plans that no longer have a purpose and for whatever reason I have still in my head. Is this unhealthy to have it in my head? I mean I thought of it watching Doctor Strange. (And might I say it's unfair that Stephen gets to reconnect with Christine after time passes because the writing says so, meanwhile my life is not like a Hollywood story?) Maybe I should forget about these former plans and not even post this. But I wrote it all, and you better bet I'm not scrapping it all now.

So there you have it. My original plans I was going to go through with. How I was a very far in advance thinker on a relationship that was only just beginning to bud but now has died and whatever was left has been burned from my own actions. I don't know if this is toxic or unhealthy or resistant to healing, but there you have it.

I'm gonna go to bed now. It's 12:43 and I probably shouldn't be blogging at this time of day (night? I don't know)

Nostalgia

Not too long ago, I had written a post talking about the Batpham. And that name (and spelling) is associated with the best friend group I have ever had, but now no longer have. It also was the name of the Minecraft server hosted on the Aternos website that I had put literal hundreds of hours into with the aforementioned group. It was some of the best times of my college career, and arguably some of the best times of my life because of how much fun and joy that group had brought into my life.

Today, I was scrolling through Reddit and came across posts in which they talked about Minecraft. For a little while now, I had wanted to get back into playing the game a bit, but I always ended up playing something in my Steam library. Okay by something it was either The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim or it was Batman: Arkham Knight. But after seeing posts of other people creating beautiful cities and re-creating some of their favorite fictional and fantasy worlds, I had finally given in and started a new world today.

There's a lot of, well, nostalgia from it all (if you couldn't guess from the title of the post). First of all, I named the world "Gotham Renaissance". Why? Well, because on the Batpham world, between building each of our own houses on the island/peninsula in which the world was spawned, we slowly created our own village and eventually made it into our "city" as we brought villagers in for a marketplace (also dubbed the "sweat shop") and as we let other friends join and bring their friends. We eventually built a wall around our homes and lit up the inside so that hostile mobs don't get in and risk destroying each of our own, unique creations.

Eventually, because in my own mind I liked the idea of naming it a city, I had asked the group what we should call it. Naturally, I was going to default to Gotham City because of how much I like Batman, but I didn't want to come off or become too obsessive over the character as I had been seen as doing in the previous friend group. Although this one indulged me because they said, "well we are the Batpham aren't we?"

So as I started this new Minecraft world, I had wanted to relive that experience of building a bustling city, although since this is now a singleplayer one, save for if my siblings care to join (can't do anything more than a LAN party since I'm running this from my Vengeance desktop), I had found a in-game village and will slowly develop that into my city. Why the "Renaissance" part of the name? Because at first I was going to name the world "Rebirth" in reference to Batman Rebirth. Then I wanted to name it Gotham Rebirth, but after staring at the name for a few moments, I didn't really like the way the word "Rebirth" looks, so I googled for synonyms, and that's how I ended up on Renaissance.

Effectively, I am re-creating the Gotham City I had built with friends. But it's different now. We've gone our separate ways, and all I have of them now are just distant memories. I remember the time I had pranked another player, and since at that time I had only a crush on Sophia and she was asking me if I had anything to do with it, I didn't really want to come forth and say that I did. Since I had destroyed part of the other player's house, I figured I should do the same to mine. And so, I blew up my own house on the server, and proceeded to go radio silent on the discord voice channel. I was still in the channel, but I refused to speak because I felt shame and no longer found the fun in the prank I had pulled.

Shame because in reality that prank wasn't so much of a prank than it was a trolling/griefing. And that I was called out on it by the girl I had a fancy for. I remember hearing Dan and Sophia just continue to play and talk, and I was just sitting idly on the server, silent. Eventually I was on my phone and just on TikTok, and this was after they had tried to get me to get back into active playing and talking. Since my mic wasn't muted, the sounds of TikTok went through, and since Sophia also used the app, she said "I hear TikTok" and stuff along the lines of knowing I was okay in the end.

I don't know, maybe I don't really describe that moment or memory that well, but I do remember that the following day she had asked me if I was okay, and at that point, I hadn't known if she liked me back yet, so I don't know if she was asking to ask, or asking to comfort me or whatever. All I do know is that I remember these things because they were good times.

Hopefully that memory was written out well enough that you can picture at least something. But as I remembered that while sitting in my room now starting to work on a house that I will convert into either a city hall or into Wayne Manor, I just froze and remembered of all the time and memories I had with the Batpham on that server. I felt nostalgia. I felt that wave of "feelsgoodman" but also the bitterness of "it's just a memory now, it's time to move on".

I have to wonder: am I playing Minecraft again to truly make new memories with the game as I had told my best friend from high school? Or am I playing it to try to re-create those fun times I had now 6 months ago? Time has passed so quickly,.my days are blurring together, I couldn't even remember if today was the 2nd or the 3rd until I looked at my phone. I've locked into a schedule/routine and now time goes by quickly since work usually goes by relatively smoothly and honestly it feels pretty quick going through those hours every day. I feel like it was just yesterday that it was pay day, when in fact it was 2 weeks ago and today was the pay day for the next cycle.

I don't know if I should really be writing all of this, but I've already gotten this far, and I don't want to have the last however many minutes I spent writing be for a waste. I know I need to move on and like yesterday's post says, to just know that it's okay to miss the comforts and safety of the past. Nostalgia is a good thing, I think. It shows positive reflection on the past and brings about good memories. I don't think you could really have bad nostalgia. That wouldn't be nostalgia then, right? I don't know my definitions exactly.

I guess at the end of the day, I just gotta keep on moving forwards because time will never stop nor slow down for me, and I just have to adapt. Maybe it's not good, but I don't care so here I go: a small piece of me is still holding out a hope that I can restore the friendships I once had. Mainly the two friendships that really got affected by my poor reaction in February. Not only with Sophia, but also with Dan too. While I know that sometimes people are only in your life for a short while and then they leave, I can't imagine that such good friends, even such best friends, like Dan and Sophia are truly out of my life now. I know I've hurt them, and I know I don't deserve their friendship. I've shown them and myself my true colors, and I need a lot of work.

Maybe it's this pandemic that's driving me a little crazy. I mean I am making friends and good times with my coworkers, but that's as far as my relationships with them go. It's just work, and after I leave or I clock out, I don't talk to them until I see them on the clock again. Maybe I should make more of an effort to be friends outside of work?

Anyways, I guess it's not really the right time to try to reach out to either Dan or Sophia. I don't know if I'm ever supposed to reach out to them again. I guess the only way to know is to start and keep on praying about it. And then leave the rest to God to tell me what to do.

Wow, this post went from nostalgia over a video game, to memories that are connected to said nostalgia, to I don't even know what happened in the past few paragraphs. But I guess I should leave it here.

One final note: I know I said I don't care anymore who is reading this blog, but I hope that all that I wrote isn't pushing too much information on you or being too forward. Since I have no idea who you are, I just hope that this gives you an insight to how I feel today, after 2.5 months of social distancing and I don't even know how long since reduced hours and face masks/coverings. It's getting to me, and my mental strength is starting to fade. I am exhausted and I want comfort. Maybe that's why I feel so strongly about the past friendships because they provided me comfort when no one else would. I guess if you are one of the two aforementioned friends, I'm sorry, I miss you. I can't exactly prove that I've grown or matured or anything, so I don't expect you to let me back into your life. But I guess all that I want to say is that I hope that we are on good enough terms that we can share these moments and memories together and remember the good times we had.

Okay, I'm done.

Before/After

I found the following image on r/GetMotivated and it was actually spot on.

In case you can't see it, it talks about how there is always a before and after in your life. Some events cause more change than others, and after those events take place, there remains the split. After the event, everything is changed, forever. There is no going back to the way things were. The image continues on to say that it's okay to miss what once was and question why the "tragic events" had occurred. But then it ends by saying it is up to us on how to move on and find it in our hearts to grow and flourish even in the midst of hurt and destruction. And assuming you couldn't see the comic/image, it started with "you" as a small tree sapling in a plush forest. The tragic event was the cutting down of all the trees except the sapling. As time goes on, those other trees are still dead and gone, but growth still happens. The sapling becomes a bigger tree and is depicted as missing the forest it was once in, and finally it is a fully grown tree with new animals and livelihood as its choice to move on and grow.

Naturally, given everything I had talked about and yesterday's post on the Serenity Prayer, this was a hope inspiring message. My forest was Liberty, it was my status as a student, being the Batman, having the Batpham, etc. Tragic events happened this year, and now I've lost it all. I am in the third and fourth panel of the comic. I am growing on my own (since it's better for me and it's not like I have a choice since the other option is to stay stuck in the past) and time is moving onwards with or without me. There are moments in which I could go back and withhold those words that brought the downfall of the Batpham. The actions that would burn bridges between me and two of my best friends. To miss all the fun times and memories I've created with them over the past 2.5 years.

I am left with only one thing: to move forward. I don't know if I will ever have any more connections or memories with the friends of my past. I know that I shouldn't hold my breath expecting to have things go back to the way they were. I know that I should move on and grow and that there will be new chances in the future for me to grow and find new friends to apply the lessons I have learned and be more careful. To make sure that these tragic events never happen again. The reason we fall is to learn to pick ourselves up. We can't know what it's like to get back up if we never fall, whether we fall on our own action, or are pushed down from outside interaction.

I will have my moments of missing those good times. Just as I have missed my senior year of high school and honestly the majority of high school with all the fun field trips and activities I had done and made. But time kept moving forward, so I had to grow as the change came forth of graduation. And now with all the changes of 2020, it is forging a new path and a new and different life that I can take and adapt to. To take it and grow as much as I can and to find new life here in the aftermath of everything. It's all up to me how I want to perceive it all. As a tragic consequence of punishment and suffering because I get stuck in the past and this is all the price I have to pay for my immaturity and lack of good work ethic. Or I can learn from my mistakes and take it all as a glorious consequence with all the new opportunities being presented before me, gaining life experience, job/work experience in multiple fields of food handling, money handling, and customer service. To learn responsibility as my boss and managers give me bigger and bigger tasks with an expectation I fulfill them to the letter. To grow and become more mature and learn to take accountability for my mistakes or my achievements.

So yes, I will still have days where I question God letting all of this happen and wanting to go back to before February 4th, 2020. I will even question the more recent of going back to my immature way of handling things on April 13th, 2020, and now I have committed to choices and actions that lead me to where I am today. This is my new life, and I will bide my time and make the most of what I have been given and been blessed with. What else am I to do? Sit around and mope and hope that things get better on their own?

No. I must seek out whatever it is I think is best for my life and my career, as well as my relationships regardless of if they are platonic or romantic.

I will change myself for the better of me, and I will hope to be there for anyone who might still have or want some connection to me from my past. I am done holding grudges and I want to have a clean slate just in case that day comes and things and people come around. If not, then I have a clear and open conscience. It's a win win in my book.

Serenity

There is this thing called the "serenity prayer" and I think I could use it right about now.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference"

There has been a lot of things that have changed and they are also things that I cannot change, no matter how much I try to force it or try to put energy into it. Some being the restoration of friendships, some being the place I am at now, and some being something like this pandemic that has the country in a craze. It's tough to just sit back and know that everything is happening for a reason and that this is all a part of the process for the greater good because the greatest good is the one orchestrating the whole thing.

They always say that God gives and takes away, and there was also another TobyMac post that I had shared awhile ago and it resurfaced in my Facebook memories. 

God had removed a lot of things from my life that threw me for a loop. Well, I guess it wouldn't be fair to say that God did it since I had free will and some of the things I had chosen to do that led to my own demise, such as procrastinating on school work leading to academic suspension, or the way I had reacted and let my temper and emotions take control leading to the dissolution of the greatest friend group I had ever had in my 20 years of life. All in all though, those were things I had never thought I would lose. I mean I know that college was only temporary anyways, since even if I had kept my student status, I'd be there for just one more year and then I'd be a graduate come spring 2021. I guess in this instance, I never thought I'd lose it so soon, after a brief 2.5 years.

Or then there's the friend group. It was everything I could have ever wanted for a friend group. Friends who would support me in what I did and what I liked (not to put shame on the previous group, but they said that I was an over-obsessive freak about Batman meanwhile this new group was founded because of my liking of the fictional character). These friends would also be open and honest, and we would have some of the best memories together. I never thought I would lose that group, and it is bittersweet thinking about those times I had with them, from Minecraft, to Waffle House, to Christmas Coffeehouse, to "sniping", to everything in between. And yet here I am.

Now I don't mean to make this post sad or depressing or sound like I'm being stuck in the past. I want this more to be of a hopeful post. As Toby's post says, "if God can remove something you never dreamed of losing, trust that He can replace it with something you never dreamed of having." I don't know what it is that I never dreamed of having, but maybe everything that is happening around me is a part of the process to truly help me grow, mature, and discover who I am.

I had learned a lot about myself through my college experience and I have had some great times. I wonder if I had had too much influence and ideas of other people of who I should be and who I will become that maybe this is good for me to be where I'm at. Not to sound ungrateful for the times that I have had, but maybe I was forcing myself to be someone I wasn't. But now I can and have to discover who I am. I have to ask myself who do I see myself as, who do I see myself becoming, and where I want to go in life.

I don't think I will ever know what that greater thing is that God can put in my life, but from the things in my past that are now taken away, I have learned various things. I have learned how to build a group, a family even, and to sacrifice for others. I have learned to plan things and make back up plans or last minute changes as things come up. I learned what it truly means to love another, for who they are and beyond their physical appearances. So with all of that, I must trust that where I am now, at Jersey Mike's, living through this COVID-19 pandemic, being at home and watching the world and politics, is where I am supposed to be. I know not if this is all just a stepping stone to the bigger thing, but I will bide my time and wait.

I want peace in it all. To accept things, and truly accept them, as they are and not worry anymore about trying hard to make up with old friends. If the time is right and God says it to be so, then the opportunity to make amends will present itself and it will happen. But if I keep on trying to force old things to come back into my life, I will just find that the door is locked tighter and tighter as that is not the door God wants me to open right now.

I want courage to step up where an opportunity arises and presents itself. I want to be more. I want to become the greatest version of me that ever existed. So I need to not linger in the shadows if there is a challenge that shows in front of me. I need to be able to learn and go for the things that might even be out of my comfort zone, so that I can grow. I need to reflect on myself and my inner thoughts and thinking processes, and see where I can change on the inside as well.

It's time to step up and be more. To find peace in not only the year's occurrences and events, but to also find peace in the results and aftermath of everything. To accept the consequences whether glorious or tragic, and to find peace with them.