Serenity

There is this thing called the "serenity prayer" and I think I could use it right about now.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference"

There has been a lot of things that have changed and they are also things that I cannot change, no matter how much I try to force it or try to put energy into it. Some being the restoration of friendships, some being the place I am at now, and some being something like this pandemic that has the country in a craze. It's tough to just sit back and know that everything is happening for a reason and that this is all a part of the process for the greater good because the greatest good is the one orchestrating the whole thing.

They always say that God gives and takes away, and there was also another TobyMac post that I had shared awhile ago and it resurfaced in my Facebook memories. 

God had removed a lot of things from my life that threw me for a loop. Well, I guess it wouldn't be fair to say that God did it since I had free will and some of the things I had chosen to do that led to my own demise, such as procrastinating on school work leading to academic suspension, or the way I had reacted and let my temper and emotions take control leading to the dissolution of the greatest friend group I had ever had in my 20 years of life. All in all though, those were things I had never thought I would lose. I mean I know that college was only temporary anyways, since even if I had kept my student status, I'd be there for just one more year and then I'd be a graduate come spring 2021. I guess in this instance, I never thought I'd lose it so soon, after a brief 2.5 years.

Or then there's the friend group. It was everything I could have ever wanted for a friend group. Friends who would support me in what I did and what I liked (not to put shame on the previous group, but they said that I was an over-obsessive freak about Batman meanwhile this new group was founded because of my liking of the fictional character). These friends would also be open and honest, and we would have some of the best memories together. I never thought I would lose that group, and it is bittersweet thinking about those times I had with them, from Minecraft, to Waffle House, to Christmas Coffeehouse, to "sniping", to everything in between. And yet here I am.

Now I don't mean to make this post sad or depressing or sound like I'm being stuck in the past. I want this more to be of a hopeful post. As Toby's post says, "if God can remove something you never dreamed of losing, trust that He can replace it with something you never dreamed of having." I don't know what it is that I never dreamed of having, but maybe everything that is happening around me is a part of the process to truly help me grow, mature, and discover who I am.

I had learned a lot about myself through my college experience and I have had some great times. I wonder if I had had too much influence and ideas of other people of who I should be and who I will become that maybe this is good for me to be where I'm at. Not to sound ungrateful for the times that I have had, but maybe I was forcing myself to be someone I wasn't. But now I can and have to discover who I am. I have to ask myself who do I see myself as, who do I see myself becoming, and where I want to go in life.

I don't think I will ever know what that greater thing is that God can put in my life, but from the things in my past that are now taken away, I have learned various things. I have learned how to build a group, a family even, and to sacrifice for others. I have learned to plan things and make back up plans or last minute changes as things come up. I learned what it truly means to love another, for who they are and beyond their physical appearances. So with all of that, I must trust that where I am now, at Jersey Mike's, living through this COVID-19 pandemic, being at home and watching the world and politics, is where I am supposed to be. I know not if this is all just a stepping stone to the bigger thing, but I will bide my time and wait.

I want peace in it all. To accept things, and truly accept them, as they are and not worry anymore about trying hard to make up with old friends. If the time is right and God says it to be so, then the opportunity to make amends will present itself and it will happen. But if I keep on trying to force old things to come back into my life, I will just find that the door is locked tighter and tighter as that is not the door God wants me to open right now.

I want courage to step up where an opportunity arises and presents itself. I want to be more. I want to become the greatest version of me that ever existed. So I need to not linger in the shadows if there is a challenge that shows in front of me. I need to be able to learn and go for the things that might even be out of my comfort zone, so that I can grow. I need to reflect on myself and my inner thoughts and thinking processes, and see where I can change on the inside as well.

It's time to step up and be more. To find peace in not only the year's occurrences and events, but to also find peace in the results and aftermath of everything. To accept the consequences whether glorious or tragic, and to find peace with them.