Sometimes, we hide away in places we know are safe, or at least safe enough for us to be vulnerable and let our guards down. But sometimes we just go back to what we knew and what we had deemed as familiar and comfortable. And sometimes that's bad. Sometimes it ends up being a place of festering darkness or hurt that cannot be healed properly. And maybe that was what was going on with me here.
I don't mean to say that my blog is inherently evil or that I will constantly be in pain just because I was writing here on the daily, but I have to wonder if the blog really helped me. And I mean really helped me as far as healing and processing went. Because if you think about it, yes I did get a space to write and just let my thoughts pour out from my mind onto paper (well screen) and just see it in ink (well black and white text, but you get the point). I got so caught up in thinking "yeah, I can heal here because I can write out how I feel on the day, what I had come to think about, and really just work things out." But as I look back on it, maybe it was helpful for the first week or two, maybe even the first month. After that? Well, I feel like maybe I dwelt too much on the past and kept wondering what went wrong and where and how I could fix it all. How could I repair the connections and bridges I once had after I was the one who set them ablaze? And at some point, maybe it became an unhealthy obsession with "I have to write something today otherwise I won't maintain my writing streak." And then the recurring topic was something to do with the fallout or any of its after effects.
I do have to say that there were some good posts in there that needed to be written such as my work stresses or any of my successes or higher points in life. And I do have to give credit that this blog did help me to write things out and then send posts to various close friends so that I could have them examine it from a third party view after I had let my emotion and inner thoughts out. Because I feel like if I were to go direct with my friends, that I might withhold information or thoughts because I'd be afraid of how they would react. But by writing it all out and giving them the whole package, then maybe just maybe I could give them everything and not have so much worry.
After only have 7 (now 8) posts on this blog for the month of June, I have been finding higher points in my life now that I'm not sucked into writing a post every night after dinner and not really chilling in front of the TV or playing a video game, etc. I mean I write one now because I kinda wanted to write a post, I just didn't know what and didn't commit enough energy until now. Life has been getting better and I think this is truly the healing. Maybe I just jinxed myself by saying that, but other posts not too long ago mentioned how I thought I had found the healing and was going upwards. Now as I think about it, maybe that was false and I was tricking no one except myself, because as you can see not too long ago was a question still wondering if I should send a final letter to the affected parties of the February Fallout (of which the determining factor in if I send it is whenever I feel comfortable with sending it and being okay with never getting a response because that just might happen. Maybe the letters won't even be opened, maybe they will. Maybe it will send the ball into their court and its up to them if they will return the ball to me once or if they'll let it stay in their court and abandon the game. Who knows?)
Now as I go on, I have found new friends who I can laugh with, make jokes with, relate with when we talk about food (because food industry naturally leads to talk about food), dark humor, video games (like Skyrim, Overwatch, Dark Souls), and just making new memories with people who I would almost call a second family. I have found someone who caught my fancy (maaaaaybe I shouldn't write this since my blog is easily discovered on my Facebook but here we go) and with my friends hyping me up and giving me guidance on pacing and course of action, I'm feeling good. I feel content about my work and while it's not the most difficult job, it's still a job in which I am learning to be a leader and being a servant. To lead and take on tasks and responsibilities as they are handed to me (now that I open the store and have to guide everyone until the shift lead comes in) and as I serve others and coworkers with helping out wherever and whenever I can. Life's been turning out to be better now, as I am 4 months into this.
With all that being said, I don't know the next time I will blog. Will it be June? July? August even? Never again? I don't know (honestly I doubt it on it being never again) but what I do know is that I'm going to try my best to not focus on finding something to write and talk about on this blog, but to live in my day to day and find what's good in life. And then after that? Well, I think I need to start being more grateful for everything that I am being given and how good life is turning out to be. Because who knows when the next big "downfall" will be that will rock the boat and turn me upside down again. As I once said in my senior year posts during high school, to embrace and cherish the moments as we see them because by the time you realize something is part of the "good times" is the time when it's just a distant memory and you're now stuck in the past, wishing to go back for just one more second.
To roll credits (as CinemaSins would say), this is my fading out. Because as you can tell, post frequency has dropped significantly, but it's time I really got back into the world and focused on being in the world rather than saying I'm getting back out there and really I'm cowering behind my screen, writing blog posts on the daily and not actively searching to create or build upon new friendships and relationships, regardless if they are platonic or romantic.
So to any regular viewers of the blog, or anyone I may send this to: feel free to check back to see if I've written anymore, but don't hold your breath. I want to get back out there, and being stuck writing posts isn't the way to get out there. I'm stagnant here, but I can grow and flourish out there. And I want to grow. So this might be goodbye to the blog for awhile.
Thank you for reading this.
Yours Truly,
Geoffrey "DragonPupps" Yee
Dark Knight
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