Tonight, or rather yesterday (it's after midnight as I write this, so technically I'm still thinking about June 5th while this post will be marked for June 6th), I was watching part of Doctor Strange on TV. It was relatively early on in the movie that we had started watching, around the part where Strange is looking for Kamar-Taj. At some point it reveals that his sole possession after spending all of his wealth and fortune trying to fix his trembling hands is a watch given to him by a former lover, Christine Palmer. On the back, it has an inscription that says, "Time will tell how much I love you." And then that got me thinking.
Okay okay, maybe I was crazy for thinking about these things so early on as nothing was ever official by the time any of these ideas had sprung up. Maybe I would've subconsciously contributed to the young proposals and getting married before/shortly after schooling at Liberty. At this point, if you don't know where this post is going, well it'll be obviously in the next few lines.
Anyways, back when I was close with Sophia, so before February and April, I had seen her as the perfect person for me. Maybe that's just because it was still relatively new in comparison to how long I've been alive or even how long that I've been searching for a relationship (again, I don't know why, but it was a 6-7 year search since 2013-14 during freshman year of high school, up until 2019-20 for obvious reasons). By the time these ideas came up, I had only known she had liked me for about a month, maybe a month and a half if I was lucky.
Moving on, the inscribed watch reminded me of one plan. And here's the part where I probably shouldn't be blogging about it, but I kinda wanted to write it all out for months now that things have fallen apart and there's no need to keep any of it a secret. I know that maybe once you read these "plans" I'll be seen as someone who got too far ahead of myself, or was moving too quickly, or x, y, or z, but hey I guess it's all in the past now and there's no more need to worry about it.
Back to the inscribed watch. I had a plan that either for Valentine's Day 2020 (this was before I had found out about my inability to return for the spring semester) or Sophia's 22nd birthday later this year (in October), I'd get her a flower. Not any flower, but a customized metal flower. The idea came to me from an Instagram ad and it's a silversmith (I guess?) who would make metal flowers and can customize it with engravings and colors. Now part of me figured to get it because 1) it's a flower and most girls like flowers (right?) and 2) I was going to get it customized with her favorite colors of pink (and blue) and then throw in some purple or something. Then the other aspect (here's where it ties into the watch from the movie) I was going to get her first, middle, and last name engraved on the petals and on the base say something like, "I will love you until this flower dies." Maybe that's a little quick moving, maybe it's a little cheesy. But the idea was that because at the time of this idea, I had seen her as the perfect girl for me because of all the things we had in common and similar interests for life as far as family and taking things slow, that this would have been something that was, well, acceptable. Because the idea behind that engraving was that that flower could never die, meaning my love for her could never die.
Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic who will take any chance he gets and run with it as far as he can go. But if you thought that this plan was too far ahead, just you wait for me to tell the other plan.
The way I see dating is an experiment of sorts. To see whether or not this is a person I could get along with and potentially marry. To date for fun is good in the moment, but a terrible thing for a long term and it really messes with people. My idea is to date for marriage and fun as a secondary aspect. Obviously you have got to have fun, but that wasn't the main objective.
With that being said and with the fact that I had seen her as perfect for me (because of personality, ideas, goals, interests, etc) I had already started formulating a potential proposal idea.
Boom. Thar she blows. The mega advanced planning. Why? Because we weren't even officially dating yet. I didn't even have the means of fulfilling these plans. There was no feasible way to accomplish it, but I guess I would've found something during breaks from school had everything gone the way I had originally imagined life would go for 2020.
Well, now that I mentioned, I guess I should describe the plan. Here goes nothing:
Sophia had never been to Disney World, and yet she loves Disney movies and references and everything. While she has said that she isn't really all that much into theme/amusement parks, I passively mentioned once or twice something along the lines of, "well maybe one day I'll take you there" to which she replied with something like, "oh that's so sweet of you." Then the idea popped into my head. Because I like puns so much and I figured it wasn't going to be out of character for me to go about it as such, I thought that maybe I'd save up the funds to go to Disney with her, and while I'm there, I'd propose to her. I know a little cliche. I even started formulating the wording. Yup, I was that far in my planning. Well I guess I didn't plan on how I was going to save up all that money to buy a ring and a Disney vacation, but I guess I've got the money settled now, just no one to execute said plan, nor could I even if I wanted to with Disney being closed.
Anyways, I was going to use some puns and make references to the ASDF movies on YouTube since we had frequently quoted them (just as I frequently quote memes in normal conversation). There's a bit about two characters saying things back and forth and one part of it says "you can't frog me, you're my wife. I'm not your wife, you're MY wife." So that led to me thinking I'd potentially combine some puns and that bit as I propose. It'd go something along the lines as so:
"Hey can I talk to you about something? *probably somewhere iconic in the theme parks, either Cinderella's castle or the Epcot globe thing or anything* I just wanted to let you know that life has been absolutely magical (because Disney's the most magical place on Earth) and that you are my world (if I have to explain this one...) *then I'd probably talk about the things I love about her leading up to the finale* [Sophia's full name] (for privacy reasons I'm not going to disclose it) I'm not your wife *gets down on knee* but will you be mine?"
Honestly, I kinda liked it and it's a shame that these plans are nothing but disintegrated plans. Plans that no longer have a purpose and for whatever reason I have still in my head. Is this unhealthy to have it in my head? I mean I thought of it watching Doctor Strange. (And might I say it's unfair that Stephen gets to reconnect with Christine after time passes because the writing says so, meanwhile my life is not like a Hollywood story?) Maybe I should forget about these former plans and not even post this. But I wrote it all, and you better bet I'm not scrapping it all now.
So there you have it. My original plans I was going to go through with. How I was a very far in advance thinker on a relationship that was only just beginning to bud but now has died and whatever was left has been burned from my own actions. I don't know if this is toxic or unhealthy or resistant to healing, but there you have it.
I'm gonna go to bed now. It's 12:43 and I probably shouldn't be blogging at this time of day (night? I don't know)
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