Just One More

I don't know why, but it's been in my head for who knows how long. I know that the damages are done, the words and actions have been said and committed, and there's no turning back. That everything is changed forever and there's no way to rewind the clocks or take back words or actions to bring things to the past. Time moves forward, people move on, life goes on, and if one were to sit around in the past, missing and clinging on to what was, then the future will dissipate and the present will be a shadow of its true potential if we aren't living there.

I say all these things, but here I am. Here I am wondering if I should just write one final letter to not just one party, but to both. To express my forgiveness in a different context than however I tried. To really forgive them and forget the trespasses onto me as I have to hope for forgiveness for the trespasses I have done to them. To forgive and forget.

Why is it that for so long, this idea of writing a letter has been in my mind? What would I even say? What do I even hope that these letters would achieve? Is there some greater goal I have in mind? Is there an outcome I am expecting/hoping for? Is there a part of me that thinks that if I write these letters that everything of the past few months is all the sudden undone and just water under the bridge? Because the truth of the matter is that there is no way to undo. There is no CTRL Z on life. And that's why I need to learn to measure my words and actions more carefully for I know not the consequences that may befall me if I go hastily into something because emotion and immaturity led me there.

I don't know the exact wording I would use nor do I know exactly what I would even write. So why do I even think about this.

Even if we entertain for a moment that this is the right thing to do, is it even the right time to send a letter? Is everything still too fresh that the receiving end won't even open my letter and choose to discard it and never know the contents of what I had said?

I know I know, I should just move on and accept that these people probably won't be in my life anymore, as I come to realize that so many other people who I never thought I would lose have gone on and only now am I realizing that there are so many people who once were a part of my life but no more. And that's all just a part of living. People come and go, some stay for longer periods of time than others, some you have more memories and interactions with, and some you just know.

But I can't help but shake the feeling of just sending this final letter. I guess someone's gonna just say, "pray about it", but I know my human mind and heart won't accept that because I am still impatient and immature, and not willing to just let go and wait for signs and messages that are out of reach and control. Human nature, I suppose, but to what cost will I let this tax upon me?