The Ghost of Loves Past

 At this point, with it being well over a year since the "break-up" (since there wasn't any official relationship but it was a certain level of closeness to one another that it was basically a relationship), and well over a year since I last really talked to her, you'd think I'd be all set and packed up on that particular topic/person. Well, keyword is, you'd think.

Lo and behold, that isn't the case exactly. I mean in my defense how does on even control dreams and what is even put in the dream? The strongest way I know is to flood the mind with ideas or people or thoughts right before I fall asleep, but even that is a shot in the dark. I don't have the so-called "lucid dreaming" ability, so whatever happens happens. Sometimes the dreams are a snippet of the future which causes me to have a deja vu moment at some unspecified time (of which is another interesting topic as how would I be able to even get that feeling. Either it's happened before and life is as one theory goes just a vivid recollection of what happened, or the mind has experienced enough and can make a prediction on what can and will happen and then it just fits in eventually). Without getting super side-tracked, last night's dream was of that same person I dated but not really dated.

It was strange for sure as the last known connection of communication was on Christmas Day of 2020. Whether it was foolish, arrogant, or what have you of me to send a text out, I sent a relatively simple "Merry Christmas" text that was elaborated a little. In return there was a simple "Merry Christmas" and that was that. After consulting with friends, it was probably best to not belabor anything, to not try a Happy New Year, and to leave it as it is. To leave that friendship in the past and move on with life.

So I did move on. Or so I thought. I mean yes, every now and then I get feelings of sadness for what occurred or a downed feeling because of what could have been. Sometimes I do regret burning bridges in the way that I did and that now I've excommunicated myself from a friend group that I created and (from a certain point of view) quite literally would never have existed if it were not for me. For clarity's sake so as to not paint myself as a narcissist or having some supreme sense of arrogance or whatever (I keep using "arrogance" yet I don't think I'm using it properly *Inigo Montoya intensifies*) the friend group was started because of the Liberty Batman. And as a way to make it more fun, it was expanded to become the Liberty Batfamily because the other people within the group took on other roles of the comic-book Batfamily, therefore giving grounds to have different personas run @thelibertybatman and create a different take on the social media superheroes on Liberty's campus. Without the Batman, I somehow don't think that all of these people would've gotten together. At least not as soon as they did.

What was the dream, you may ask? Well it was simply I was hanging out with the friend whom I've restored things with, and then I want to say it was probably on Liberty's campus and maybe in the Montview Student Union as the only connection I made in conscious life was to a food establishment called Hey Cow! My friend left me as I apparently needed to talk to her, so she sat down. And then I began to apologize. Apologize for the way that things went, for the way I reacted to it all, and I kept trying to explain how it all made me feel and tried to convey a level genuineness in the apology. That while it has been said that there is no need to keep on apologizing, that somehow saying it with the breath in my lungs made a difference than over text. And maybe that stems from how I think true person-to-person interaction or even heart-to-heart conversation should be: in person, vocally and not over text.

I don't know what dream-me was trying to accomplish. To salvage a friendship that probably cannot ever be salvaged? To try to grow something anew in a land that is barren of nutrients and possibility to grow? Who knows? Then there's another side to me that thinks that maybe if this person is still in the mind whether it be in the unconscious state of dreams, or the conscious state of mind during the waking world, am I to try again to reach out and apologize? Or would that be frivolous and a waste of time and energy to try to reconnect? I don't even know what reconnection would do. Because if everything for everyone else is still going to plan, she would be graduating in the very near future, so I'd somehow doubt she'd be anywhere close to the East Coast. I know one of the former group members is enrolled in a Master's program but may possibly be pausing that for a bit. I know my one friend I semi-regularly talk to is now married and is sustaining himself and his wife (well his wife works, but you get the idea he's not exactly at Liberty anymore and is living life with his best friend). And as for the other? I'm not sure where she's at in life as there was a long disconnect after my excommunication. I've occasionally reached out, but I know not where she stands on continuing her higher education.

Even if somehow they were all at Liberty now, what good is it to me? I'm still here, at home, studying (sort of, whoops got to get back on top of things for that) at community college (albeit online classes) and even if I were to consider returning to Liberty to finish my degree, it wouldn't be until the earliest Fall 2022. Because I still have a couple more semesters at community college so that I can at least achieve an Associate's Degree, and then re-plan and reset my course and direction in life with some level of formal education beyond the high school diploma.

I suppose there is a lot to consider and a lot to think on. Perhaps I should consult some of the people I still am in touch with, and see what they think is best. Maybe I'll just drop a link to this blog post and hope that they will be able to give me their insights on the topic. Or maybe I'll just move on and just forget any of this happened. There's no point in living in the past when there's a whole future and a whole world out there that I might be missing just so I could relive some of what I deemed to be amazing in my semi-recent years.

Overthinking

 If I could, I would remove the ability to overthink. I mean maybe there are some practical uses for overthinking a situation or set of events or circumstances, etc. But I've been so called "burned" before and I'm not exactly looking forward to that potential again. However, it also may sort of tie into my previous post to the extent that I shouldn't not do something in regards to that context just because I fear getting hurt.

Now obviously this doesn't mean to commit all in to everything I overthink, as that would definitely be unwise, but if you've read the previous post, then perhaps you have an idea of where this is going. If not you're going to learn where this goes soon enough.

There's been some ideas floating through my mind that make me wonder if they are as I might think they are, or if it's merely overthinking which could get me burned again (so to speak). Hence why I won't be acting on anything just yet, but potentially something to keep in mind and keep an eye out for.

First thing on the mind is something that's relatively trivial and probably means nothing ultimately. But here we go. There's the semi-common idea that if a girl wants to "flirt" with a guy, she may try to initiate a comparison of hand sizes, to therefore allow for an excuse of physical touch. The story? Well, myself, a coworker (I know that technically both of them are my coworkers, but it's more for identification purposes that saves from releasing names and such), and this girl were just chilling as work had slowed down and we had a brief few moments to talk a bit before moving on to the next task. My coworker just had gotten off her lunch break and was saying how she was cold and how her hands were cold because of poor circulation. Admittedly the workplace has been strangely cold these past couple of days, however either because of my size and weight or my metabolism, I haven't really felt the cold that my coworkers feel or even some of the customers feel as they ask if we're cold for working in there. The girl mentions something about how my coworker's hands are small, and then next thing I know they are comparing hand sizes. Then I'm curious how small my coworker's hands are (as she is 4'11" maybe 5' depending on the day haha and I'm at 5'10" or 5'11" something like that). So I compare my hand size to my coworker. Upon doing this the semi-common idea pops into my head and I start wondering if this is what that is. Before I could do or say anything, my coworker starts being goofy and saying me (a guy) comparing hand sizes with her (a girl) is somehow "gay". She's saying "wow this is gay" and I'm just retorting with "how? How is this gay?" And then that was the end of that. I wonder if the girl was hoping I'd compare hand sizes with her, but she didn't say anything about it nor really gesture for it, and me starting already overthink in the moment did nothing about it. That might also be in part due to the fact that I kind of like this girl but I didn't want to be overstepping boundaries or anything like that so I'm trying to feel out what is or isn't okay whilst also building upon the friendship by talking about other things that isn't work-related. 

So since I didn't do anything with it, I could just be overthinking it. At the same time, I've been friends with my coworker pretty much ever since I started working with her when she started in September 2020. Even if you say it took a few weeks to really be friends, I still have been friends for several months now and I have never once noticed or cared how big my hands were against hers.

At this point you're probably thinking, "Geoff, you're just crazy and you're seeing things that aren't there and just being a bit much considering your feelings for her and you're hoping she has feelings for you." And honestly, you might be right. However, let me present to you the next bit and maybe I'm not as crazy. Still crazy, that's for sure, but not as crazy, ya know?

Point 2 comes in when someone was supposed to come in to work at 6:30 but they couldn't come in for whatever reason. He tried to find a cover, and ultimately his sister was able to come in at 4. When she did show up, the girl and the sister apparently know each other and are friends with each other. The girl mentions how she wanted to originally work in the location and the sister worked at. Now as friendly banter, the workers at my workplace joke about how we never want to work at the other locations. Upon hearing the girl say she wanted to work in that location, my coworker says, "why would you want to work in that location?" The girl responds with, "initially I wanted to work there but after working here..." and then she either trailed off whatever she was saying, or purposely left it there. I don't really know, and I didn't think or even want to ask.

Now this might also be arrogance or something that is like "well she said that because she's referring to you and you're the reason she's fine with working at this store." And while that could very likely be the case, I can't say for certain that it's a 0% chance of it being potentially true. So it's getting me thinking.

And this is where the overthinking kicks in and I might ultimately screw myself over if I don't play my cards right and if I think something is happening when it is not. So for now all I'm going to do is lay low and just see if anything of potential signs of flirting or attempts to get to know me better occur. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for, all that I know is that there could be something or there might not be something. I suppose it would be best to just err on the side of caution and just keep it in mind and not do anything about it.

You got to love overthinking, right?

Fear Is Why You Fail

Not too long ago I wrote a post saying how I've not used the phrase "I love you" ever since whatever you want to call the relationship or what have you I had with the last girl fell apart. If that isn't clear, basically the last girl I got close too, I got too far ahead of myself and let myself get too rooted in affection and all that jazz. So when things ultimately didn't work out, I was hurt more severely than I could've ever possibly imagined. Sure at first I was devastated that after 7 years of trying to find a girlfriend and it finally seemed to be coming together, to then fizzle out because of various trivial things (i.e. my poor academic performance previously, leading to suspension), but I hadn't realized the depth to which I had been cut. And it was internal bleeding but slow enough initially to think it would be easy enough to heal, maybe even keep a friendship. Nope.

As time went on, I would try to fight the world and the circumstances and try to bargain a way to get back to at least the good friendship I had with her. And that was like twisting in such a way that the deep cut wrenched itself open and started bleeding profusely. I was hurt and I kept being hurt as I semi-frequently thought about it (and I very rarely think about it now, but it's more of the analytical view than a true yearning to go back). It never really got a chance to properly heal because I never let go and it was like a rope that I reached over the edge to save, and it just cut into my hand. To give me rope burns and the only way my hand could gain respite is to let it go.

Over a year later, I'm mostly over it, just dealing with trying to desensitize the potential pain of saying that phrase because while I am not with that girl, I can still love other people in different degrees and capacities. I can love my friends platonically, I can love my family, I can love myself (in a non-narcissistic way of course), etc. But if I just stay in a state of running from the phrase and having a knee-jerk reaction to pull away whenever someone says it to me (as of right now only a coworker says it out loud, but she doesn't mean it anymore than platonically as she's very much involved in a relationship). Regardless though, every time she says it to me, I just brush it off and try to change the subject. So I'm not even letting anyone attempt to love me, so forget me even trying to love others if I run from love.

Moving on, there was this one scene in The Dark Knight Rises (oh yeah, here we are referencing Batman again) where Bruce is in a pit in a "more ancient part of the world" and it's a prison. However, if you can manage to climb out, you are a free man. It's not so cut and dry as the outcroppings in the rocks and the spacings make it seemingly impossible, even with a safety rope (of which I have no clue how it actually helps, but we're not here to nitpick a movie). Bruce had a point in which he would attempt the climb, but fail the 2 major times he climbed. He also happened to have the safety rope on, and thought his anger and desire for vengeance against Bane would be enough to help him escape and get back to his beloved Gotham City. It wasn't.

Upon talking to the prison's doctor, he hears that the reason why he keeps falling is fear. Bruce responds with "I'm not afraid" to which his response is along the lines that he does not fear death anymore. Therefore he cannot utilize the fear to get the body to "move faster than possible, fight longer than possible." Bruce had thought he got to a stage of being uphigh as Batman that he didn't remember his roots of how he was fearful and used the fear to protect those who couldn't stand up to their fears.

With all that being said, he does finally make the climb when he goes without the rope and has the fear of death pushing him to his limits. It's a big hurrah moment and lots of celebrations from the other prisoners as there had only ever been 1 other person to make the climb out (as far as the movie tells us). So where does that leave me?

Well perhaps I kept fearing being hurt or cut deeply or whatever damages can be a potential from loving others. And while yes loving other people doesn't mean I will definitely get hurt, and it also doesn't mean I won't get hurt, but that's a risk I'll have to take if I ever want to connect to people enough to love them. If I tell others I'd like to be a family man, to have a wife and have kids, etc., then how am I to expect that will happen without love? I guess it could be done, but not the way that I wish it to be done for me and my life.

So it is time to face my fear of the phrase and the idea of loving again. It's time to open back up; to tear my walls down that I have set up to think I was protecting myself and my heart. If I wish to get back to the world and to try to find this desire, I need to be out there. And I can't be out there if I hide from any level or any kind of love presented to me. And I, in turn, need to be willing to let people in close and to start loving others again. Sure it's the closest ones that hurt most if something happens, but I shouldn't indulge myself to thinking that just because someone gets close to me that they will hurt me. There's only really been 1 time of being hurt by someone I trusted, but in hindsight it was justified as I hurt him and he trusted me. Of course, it's best to never go eye for eye, but sometimes it happens.

All in all, I must face my fears and maybe I can finally and truly escape this prison that I've referenced that I have been in multiple times in the last year in several blog posts. That's all for now, and here's to day one of getting back out there, and no more fearing the love no matter what may happen or come of it.

Intricacies of the Acceptable

 There's definitely some point in life where things are in a gray area because of who you are exposed to and how often you're exposed to them. That the conditions of life from the day to day may lead to something that puts a strangeness about what to do and if there is even a plan of action or if it should all be stopped before it gets out of hand, or rather, less out of hand than it already has become.

There's also the bit of ideally not dating anyone from the workplace because it could lead to complications or unnecessary tensions as a result. But then one is to wonder, well where shall I go to find connections and relationships if all I ever do is go to work and otherwise stay at home or go to the gym plugged up with earbuds so as to not really ever interact with anyone. Sure, I take online classes but I seldom and pretty much never interact with any of my classmates as it is all online and the most I've interacted is a mandatory speech web meeting and a group chat for a different class that is seldom ever used.

In technicality, sure I could resort to dating apps and try to find something there, but for some reason I just don't feel super comfortable with it and while I do technically have some apps downloaded and the accounts created, I just never use it because it just isn't exactly something I want to use. I guess it could be a contingency plan so to speak that if push comes to shove and somehow that's the only way I'll find someone, then I guess we can try it, but it's definitely a very back burner idea.

The problem that I face is the intricacies of certain..... obstacles that only time can control. That's the best way I can put it because otherwise I sound like a creep. And there it is, I guess I just incriminated myself anyways. While I guess one could theoretically argue that it's not really in one's control to whom one is attracted to or interested to get to know more, there still is the conscious decision to act. And acting on it now is definitely going to be frowned upon just because of age.

Sometimes, I don't feel like I am my age, but then I have to remind myself that I am that age and that just because I don't feel like it doesn't mean that it isn't true. That I just cannot pretend that I am the younger age I feel like. And sometimes even while thinking to myself that nothing has really changed in my mind from when I was 17, the fact of the matter is that 4.5 years have passed and I'm well on my way to being 22. And that's where the issue is.

There is a part of me that tries to justify the whole rule of thumb as far as acceptable dating ages, which is the "half your age plus 7." So that would mean that at 21, it would technically be acceptable to date someone no younger than 17 and a half. But that is just an issue still because I am not a minor and 17 and a half is still 6 months left of being a minor. I suppose at this point I could just definitely wait until I am 22, and then the "rule of thumb" (quotations because there's no law or legality behind it, it's just some saying that most people have accepted as commonplace) would set it so that I could date as young as 18 but no younger than that. And at that point, there is not really any legal issues with that.

However, even if I were to, there's still the mental differences from an 18 year old to a 22 year old. And that's when things could still become sticky (and this is ignoring the part of interacting with a coworker and all...). Part of me tries to justify that my aunt on my mom's side dated and married someone who is 4 years older than her (as I'm pretty sure my uncle was a senior in the same college as my aunt when she was a freshman). So yes, technically it could work. And maybe it's not so weird as long as a friendship was built first and if there is even something to work with there.

Now this is getting towards borderline scheming again, and as we know that schemers never win. But I guess at the same time, it seems like there's at least grounds for a friendship if nothing else at all happens. I guess at this point I might as well add something about her because it's not like it's really a secret anymore about the subject given how much I elaborated in the previous paragraphs.

This coworker is nice, she seems to have some solid goals in mind and is accepting of people in different stages of life. There is common ground as far as faith/religion is concerned, and there are some connections such as Liberty University as I have a car magnet to represent the time I was there and she having an older brother who just graduated from the nursing program there. Now the one thing I'm not going to do is make any comments about her physical appearance as that is definitely a no-go zone at least for now. Or at least I'd think so anyways. I mean I guess technically I could just mention it and that's that, but let's not test those waters. The point is she is a nice girl whom I'd like to get to know more but with the age difference alone and then the added bit of we work together, it puts a decent obstacle in the way of telling myself to not act.

I guess all that I can do is that if I call myself a man of faith then I should go before the Lord and pray about it. Pray that if it is not meant to be that these whatever you call them, feelings if you will, are taken away so that I may make room for what is important in my life. And then I guess it could just be asking that if it is meant to be that the Lord make the way for it all when the timing is right. And then there's nothing more for me to do except to be still and wait.

One final note is that I wonder if I'm being obvious and if she caught on already. Because in the past I've been known to never be subtle about these sorts of things, and given that today when work quieted down and other coworkers were taking their breaks, I basically had the greater part of 30 minutes of  just talking to her and learning more about who she is outside of the workplace. Stuff of what she does for fun, minor stuff asking about her family and all, etc. just small talk to learn her as a person. I mean maybe I'm overthinking it as per usual, but I don't think a guy just casually tries to learn more about a girl, right? Or maybe that is a possibility for purely platonic sake. All I know is that most of the questions I asked, she returned after answering, so I guess if nothing else there is a friendship of some kind.

That's all I've got for now, and I guess I should honestly go pray about it and see what comes of it from there on out.

Invalidation of Self

 As I grow older I learn that I need to be more open-minded and speak less and listen more. To allow myself a chance to try to understand how others think and feel so as to really get a grasp on who they are, what they believe, and how they got to their stage in life. To sometimes be someone to validate how they feel. To reassure them that their thinking and thought processes are normal or are justified, etc. But then I realize that I disallow any self validation because I find it tacky or that I'm biased and trying to justify why I think what I think.

Continuing on from yesterday's post, I'm still trying to deal and process with the loss that I am experiencing right now. I tried to just get up and go to work like every other week. I tried to just turn on my own music and get into the groove of working and organizing things for a productive work day. I tried to make it as smooth sailing as possible so that all I had to think about was making sandwiches for people. I tried and I tried and I tried.

But I failed.

Minor issues started appearing at work, and there wasn't really anything that one could do about it. It probably would have happened anyways because it had no influence on my external life from work, and it was probably just because of my current state of mind and emotion that led me to being easily flustered, angered, and lose my temper a lot easier. And while yes I do acknowledge and realize that I have a past that proves I consistently lose my temper relatively easy, I'd like to have thought that I worked on it a bit. But I guess when push comes to shove, it whittles away any progress I may have made.

The issue was just a roll of sub paper that wasn't staying in the holder and was frustratingly falling out every time you try to pull out a piece of paper. And at first it was just a "maybe we didn't set it in properly" but then it became every single time no matter what you did to try to fix it, it just kept falling if you touched it at all. And when that became the apparent truth, I was beginning to get flustered and started getting angry. I mean I get it, when something doesn't fix and there's no real solution to it, it does get naturally frustrating and/or aggravating. But I found myself quite literally saying to my friends (who are my coworkers) that I am "this close to losing it". I just wanted the day to go smoothly and so that I wouldn't have a chance to face what I dread: grief.

Now I've not really experienced grief a whole lot so maybe that's why the fear. I mean I sort of experienced it when my high school friend passed suddenly back a couple months ago. And I felt something when my grandmother on my dad's side passed. I never really understood it when I lost my grandfather on my dad's side because I was only 7 years old or so. Aside from that, my dad's brother has passed away, but I didn't necessarily feel the same, maybe because I was never close to him and only felt the sadness associated with losing a family member?

But now this one is someone who I held close to me and someone I had enjoyed being with and had many connections and memories with. And now to think there won't be another time in which I will get to see him. That all I have left of him are my own memories and the pictures I may have taken and have posted on social media. And here I am, unknown of where to go, of what to say, or even of what to do. I mean yeah there's the obvious of just continue going to work, continue working on school work, find time to enjoy the smaller things in life like video games or watching YouTube, etc. Go to the gym to sweat it out and lift weights to feel good about my body as well as get those neurochemicals flowing and the endorphins and all that jazz.

I would think it's safe to assume that if I could just ask my friend "what should I do now" that he would respond with "live your life, find your happiness, and cherish the time we had together." Maybe that's just me temporarily hitting into the acceptance phase of grief, and I'm just cycling through all 5 stages (as I was most certainly angry whilst lifting weights, which also helped fuel my workout but that's a different topic now).

Whoops looks like I got sidetracked from my initial intention with this post

Back to the main point, I noticed I'm not allowing myself to feel anything, not even allowing myself to grieve. One of my good friends from work was asking if I was okay because after I heard the news of his passing, I texted my work group chat asking for support in thoughts and/or prayers. And my friend was one of the people who saw the text. I think for the most part she just avoided the topic because how do you just talk about it? What even is there to talk about it? But I guess as she saw me break down and become more "feral" with my emotions as work started stressing me out, she asked if I was okay. And I know that while we joke around and roast each other, make fun of each other, give each other a hard time constantly, that deep down we actually care for each other as friends. So I know that she was genuinely asking. But as soon as she asked, I just said, "I'm fine, it is what it is" and just started moving on with work and she was trying to get me to open up and be honest, because when has "I'm fine" ever really been an honest answer?

It was as if I figured if someone else needs to grieve, I'd be there for them. If someone needs someone to vent to, I'd listen to them. If someone needs my advice, I'd give it to them. But the moment that I feel that I need to grieve or vent or seek advice, I disallow myself. I brush off anyone who asks me how I'm doing. I just don't let them in because of some reason unknown. I don't know why I am this way, but I guess this is how it is. I just don't ever let myself feel good or feel emotion or feel anything when it gets personal. All I know how to do is push people away when I'm hurt or to resort to anger, and that's not fair nor mature of me. I guess maybe it's a slight pride thing since I'm a man and I'm supposed to be all tough and only feel emotion if it's happiness or joy. I'm not allowed to feel sorrow or to grieve, or to be sad. And maybe that's also a wrong mindset, but that's where I'm at.

I don't really know what the plan of action or course I need to follow in order to get out of it and get the thought out of my head that it's okay for me to be sad or to grieve or to ask for help. That there is no shame in being open or honest about how I feel. I just need to communicate to others I suppose, but at the same time I have been "burned" so to speak from opening up to others sometimes and now I have to be choosy about who I open up to.

I Have Failed This City

When everyone said 2020 would be their year and then it proved to not really be that stellar of a year, people were so ready to jump to saying "2021 will be our year because we made it through 2020" or some combination of writing off 2020 and looking forward to 2021. For my own reasons (which are most definitely all over this blog) I despised 2020 myself and was really hoping 2021 would be better. I mean yeah sure there's all of the "it only gets better if you try to make it better" considering the numerical change on the calendar doesn't magically bring about change or reaps any kind of reward. But so far, 2021 has not been it.

Now before I get too caught up in saying 2021 hasn't been good or already looking forward to 2022 (although I am looking forward to that year mainly for the release of "The Batman" but that's a different kind of looking forward), I must admit there has been some good. I hit my 1 year anniversary of working full time and I've learned so much about work ethic and leadership, as well as communication and teamwork. I've also been going to the gym regularly and have been setting new personal records which are far beyond anything I would have dreamed of, especially in comparison to my good routine that lasted 6 months back in 2019. I mean back then it took 6 months to hit 190 lbs for a 1 rep max on bench press, and that was a challenge. And back then I never squatted and deadlifted once, only doing 85 lbs. But now, 2 months deep (I suppose retraining after initial training is easier and some technical details, yada yada yada) I have now benched 220 lbs, deadlifted 250 lbs, and can semi-rep 195 lbs on squat. All numbers unfathomable to me back then and back then I had thought myself to be at peak performance of my own life, but the glass ceiling continues to be broken.

With all that being said, the somber news is the learning of the passing of a great friend. Someone who I've shared many countless memories of fooling around and learning Aikido. To making jokes and talking about nerdy stuff like Batman, Green Arrow, Flash, etc. Sharing meals together, celebrating birthdays, and bolstering one another as we sharpen each others' skills. Making mnemonic devices for some Aikido movements like "Mickey Mouse" and "Star Wars" so as to help us remember it for our rank tests. The list goes on and on. Most importantly, I think he was the first friend I made as a younger kid as I began to enter the so-called "adult class". I was always a nervous/shy person when it comes to new environments and new people, but I can certainly become quite the social butterfly once I finally get comfortable. The challenge is getting comfortable, and my friend helped me to achieve that level of comfort, which then allowed me to relax and make more friends at Aikido and become even more relaxed and ready to learn.

I suppose that after hearing different details, it was a theoretical inevitable occurence. I mean yes, everyone on Earth will pass away at one point or another, but that's not what I meant. Without sharing specifics as that's probably (and most definitely) a HIPAA violation, I still am hurt by it all. The last time I saw him was when I was training every single Aikido class that I could before the pandemic set in and then emails coming out saying that the dojo is closed until further notice. Then the feelings of regret kick in because they have been hosting classes either outdoors and distanced, or indoors and masked up and sanitized with some sort of supposed air filtration systems in place. So it's not like I couldn't have found a common time to meet up as I'm sure there would have been one or two classes eventually that coincided. But I chose to not train because I don't like the idea of wearing masks during cardiovascular exercise. The ironic side is that I'd willingly go lift heavy weights with the same mask on, so what difference is it? Maybe just my goals and priorities have shifted? Maybe I am once again taking things and life for granted that this pandemic can and will be over before even having to wonder about such intricacies and "poor timing" of events such as passings?

I don't really know how or what to feel in all of this. All that I really know for sure is that I am hurting. I may not feel it just yet, but I definitely will. The idea that the last time I saw him was well over a year ago, and to think that this day wouldn't have come so soon is not sitting well with me. I want to feel anger at something but I cannot be angry at people nor can I be angry at God. Sure one may argue that God hasn't removed the pandemic, but that's not fair as we as humans will never know the whole plan. We can only see through the keyhole and we aren't getting all the proper information necessary to make a logically sound and infallible decision on how to feel or to think over anything here on Earth. Maybe I am angry at myself and the feelings of regret and denial are starting to attack me from the inside. So I guess here I am trying to open up about it, yet how does this constitute since I don't publicly advertise this blog? All I know is that my feelings and emotions will probably numb out or feel dampened compared to normal. I will try to laugh it off or tell jokes or be my usual happy, joyous self, but it will be hard and might possibly be something I cannot be right now.

To quote the Green Arrow, I feel like I've failed this city.

Into The Night

 I guess on the one hand it's just a movie that my mom picked out and there's not necessarily any meaning or substance behind it as the movie writers and directors can make their universe do however they please in order to properly fit their plotline. But with that being said, it does lead one to think about some decently sized questions.

For starters, this week I watched the movie Words on Bathroom Walls, which is a story about an adolescent with schizophrenia and how he aspires to be a chef and go to culinary school, but the mental illness makes it hard for him to function and schools would kick him out. He would spend the majority of the movie in one school trying to cover it all up by taking experimental drugs and medications to nullify the illness, hiding under a mask. He would become afraid to love others, familial or romantic because he is scared of the damage or the stress it may put on someone for them to try to shoulder the burden that he carries. There was a quote that was used in the movie stating, "it's hard to let someone find you in all the dark and twisty places inside, but eventually, you have to hope that they do, because that's the beginning of everything." This was in reference to opening up to allow room for loving others and finding love reciprocated

That made me wonder...

While I may not personally be diagnosed with any mental illness and not suffering in the same capacities as this one character is, there seems to be some truth and some application to it. I find that my dark places are where I am most vulnerable emotionally. There are times when I finally begin to trust others and think to myself that I can let them peer into what I perceive to be my own darkness, and hope that they stick around to help me through it. I've seldom opened up to people, not really my own family. There are some things I open up about, but that's not even the deepest and darkest parts. If I had to guess, it'd be my feelings of loneliness; of being lost and feeling as if I have no point or cause in life. To open up about what hurts me and to allow someone to support me as I try to heal from it.

I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but I have learned and taught myself how to bottle things up and just be dismissive when someone tries to ask, "are you okay?" I may have written about it once before, but I was bullied in middle school, and I tried to lash back at the bullies with similar snide remarks and it didn't really help heal anything nor did it achieve anything to make the pain go away. I've dealt with and struggle with pornography and masturbation, but that's one issue that's more on the nose of religious conviction as a secular point of view may not see an issue with that. There have been times in which I try to speak up about what pains me, but then everything comes out and the immediate attempts at damage control and healing don't really achieve what I thought it would, so I just try to smile through the pain and say everything's alright. I've learned after years of speaking too quickly to just keep my mouth shut and try to hide it all. But sometimes I break and sometimes I speak out, and if I don't even say anything you can see that my faux smile fades and falters enough to know that I'm not actually fine.

There's only been 2 people that I've really allowed to peer in as far as I can tell right off  the bat. And they were 2 of my former best friends from Liberty. One of them was because I had spent 2 years living with him, so I trusted him and he trusted me, so at some point we sat down had a deeper conversation about opening up, and it helped because we took it piece by piece to work through it. The other person was the one girl I almost dated and who I occasionally harp over still, countless months after it all faded away. It was nice being able to be open and honest, and I hope that some day I find someone I am comfortable enough with to be that level of open again.

But given the fact that I've had  my falling outs, I'm afraid that I cannot let people get that close to me in the event that a fallout happens between myself and whomever that may be and now they have deep knowledge about me that they can potentially use to leverage against me. Not to say that any recent falling outs have lead to someone trying to leverage my secrets and darkness against me, but I suppose it is a paranoid pathway of thinking, but still a plausible and possible occurrence.

So why does all of this matter?

Because me being a young man, sitting at 21 years of age and going on steadily towards 22, I am searching and hoping to find someone to be in a relationship with and if all things work out for it to take it further and beyond just boyfriend/girlfriend and take it to marriage and then to the grave from there (what with the whole "'til death do us part"). And whenever that day comes or whenever I find someone I'm interested in pursuing and maybe starting something with, I'll have to come to terms with opening up to them and showing them all of me and hope that they don't run from my feelings of loneliness, the wreckages of heartbreak past, the burned remains of a bullied kid, the shattered innocence of a man who fell to his primal instincts, etc.

I don't know who I may end up with. I don't know where I might meet them, or where I might go with them. Sure I've had crushes or interests, and sure that is the coming and going with things especially as I work in a field where it's easy enough to meet people within an acceptable range of age at least for me, but there are still boundaries and various hoops and hurdles to go through if anything is to happen and to go past me just seeing someone as being cute or being pretty.

All in all, if I claim this blog to be "Into Vengeance, Into the Night, Into Batman", then there must be a point where someone can get into Batman (if I so dare to claim that mantle again and be all who I keep talking about who I was and could be). Someone will have to known my darkness, to see my all of being the night, to even enter my personal dusk, and walk through it with me.