Invalidation of Self

 As I grow older I learn that I need to be more open-minded and speak less and listen more. To allow myself a chance to try to understand how others think and feel so as to really get a grasp on who they are, what they believe, and how they got to their stage in life. To sometimes be someone to validate how they feel. To reassure them that their thinking and thought processes are normal or are justified, etc. But then I realize that I disallow any self validation because I find it tacky or that I'm biased and trying to justify why I think what I think.

Continuing on from yesterday's post, I'm still trying to deal and process with the loss that I am experiencing right now. I tried to just get up and go to work like every other week. I tried to just turn on my own music and get into the groove of working and organizing things for a productive work day. I tried to make it as smooth sailing as possible so that all I had to think about was making sandwiches for people. I tried and I tried and I tried.

But I failed.

Minor issues started appearing at work, and there wasn't really anything that one could do about it. It probably would have happened anyways because it had no influence on my external life from work, and it was probably just because of my current state of mind and emotion that led me to being easily flustered, angered, and lose my temper a lot easier. And while yes I do acknowledge and realize that I have a past that proves I consistently lose my temper relatively easy, I'd like to have thought that I worked on it a bit. But I guess when push comes to shove, it whittles away any progress I may have made.

The issue was just a roll of sub paper that wasn't staying in the holder and was frustratingly falling out every time you try to pull out a piece of paper. And at first it was just a "maybe we didn't set it in properly" but then it became every single time no matter what you did to try to fix it, it just kept falling if you touched it at all. And when that became the apparent truth, I was beginning to get flustered and started getting angry. I mean I get it, when something doesn't fix and there's no real solution to it, it does get naturally frustrating and/or aggravating. But I found myself quite literally saying to my friends (who are my coworkers) that I am "this close to losing it". I just wanted the day to go smoothly and so that I wouldn't have a chance to face what I dread: grief.

Now I've not really experienced grief a whole lot so maybe that's why the fear. I mean I sort of experienced it when my high school friend passed suddenly back a couple months ago. And I felt something when my grandmother on my dad's side passed. I never really understood it when I lost my grandfather on my dad's side because I was only 7 years old or so. Aside from that, my dad's brother has passed away, but I didn't necessarily feel the same, maybe because I was never close to him and only felt the sadness associated with losing a family member?

But now this one is someone who I held close to me and someone I had enjoyed being with and had many connections and memories with. And now to think there won't be another time in which I will get to see him. That all I have left of him are my own memories and the pictures I may have taken and have posted on social media. And here I am, unknown of where to go, of what to say, or even of what to do. I mean yeah there's the obvious of just continue going to work, continue working on school work, find time to enjoy the smaller things in life like video games or watching YouTube, etc. Go to the gym to sweat it out and lift weights to feel good about my body as well as get those neurochemicals flowing and the endorphins and all that jazz.

I would think it's safe to assume that if I could just ask my friend "what should I do now" that he would respond with "live your life, find your happiness, and cherish the time we had together." Maybe that's just me temporarily hitting into the acceptance phase of grief, and I'm just cycling through all 5 stages (as I was most certainly angry whilst lifting weights, which also helped fuel my workout but that's a different topic now).

Whoops looks like I got sidetracked from my initial intention with this post

Back to the main point, I noticed I'm not allowing myself to feel anything, not even allowing myself to grieve. One of my good friends from work was asking if I was okay because after I heard the news of his passing, I texted my work group chat asking for support in thoughts and/or prayers. And my friend was one of the people who saw the text. I think for the most part she just avoided the topic because how do you just talk about it? What even is there to talk about it? But I guess as she saw me break down and become more "feral" with my emotions as work started stressing me out, she asked if I was okay. And I know that while we joke around and roast each other, make fun of each other, give each other a hard time constantly, that deep down we actually care for each other as friends. So I know that she was genuinely asking. But as soon as she asked, I just said, "I'm fine, it is what it is" and just started moving on with work and she was trying to get me to open up and be honest, because when has "I'm fine" ever really been an honest answer?

It was as if I figured if someone else needs to grieve, I'd be there for them. If someone needs someone to vent to, I'd listen to them. If someone needs my advice, I'd give it to them. But the moment that I feel that I need to grieve or vent or seek advice, I disallow myself. I brush off anyone who asks me how I'm doing. I just don't let them in because of some reason unknown. I don't know why I am this way, but I guess this is how it is. I just don't ever let myself feel good or feel emotion or feel anything when it gets personal. All I know how to do is push people away when I'm hurt or to resort to anger, and that's not fair nor mature of me. I guess maybe it's a slight pride thing since I'm a man and I'm supposed to be all tough and only feel emotion if it's happiness or joy. I'm not allowed to feel sorrow or to grieve, or to be sad. And maybe that's also a wrong mindset, but that's where I'm at.

I don't really know what the plan of action or course I need to follow in order to get out of it and get the thought out of my head that it's okay for me to be sad or to grieve or to ask for help. That there is no shame in being open or honest about how I feel. I just need to communicate to others I suppose, but at the same time I have been "burned" so to speak from opening up to others sometimes and now I have to be choosy about who I open up to.