Fear Is Why You Fail

Not too long ago I wrote a post saying how I've not used the phrase "I love you" ever since whatever you want to call the relationship or what have you I had with the last girl fell apart. If that isn't clear, basically the last girl I got close too, I got too far ahead of myself and let myself get too rooted in affection and all that jazz. So when things ultimately didn't work out, I was hurt more severely than I could've ever possibly imagined. Sure at first I was devastated that after 7 years of trying to find a girlfriend and it finally seemed to be coming together, to then fizzle out because of various trivial things (i.e. my poor academic performance previously, leading to suspension), but I hadn't realized the depth to which I had been cut. And it was internal bleeding but slow enough initially to think it would be easy enough to heal, maybe even keep a friendship. Nope.

As time went on, I would try to fight the world and the circumstances and try to bargain a way to get back to at least the good friendship I had with her. And that was like twisting in such a way that the deep cut wrenched itself open and started bleeding profusely. I was hurt and I kept being hurt as I semi-frequently thought about it (and I very rarely think about it now, but it's more of the analytical view than a true yearning to go back). It never really got a chance to properly heal because I never let go and it was like a rope that I reached over the edge to save, and it just cut into my hand. To give me rope burns and the only way my hand could gain respite is to let it go.

Over a year later, I'm mostly over it, just dealing with trying to desensitize the potential pain of saying that phrase because while I am not with that girl, I can still love other people in different degrees and capacities. I can love my friends platonically, I can love my family, I can love myself (in a non-narcissistic way of course), etc. But if I just stay in a state of running from the phrase and having a knee-jerk reaction to pull away whenever someone says it to me (as of right now only a coworker says it out loud, but she doesn't mean it anymore than platonically as she's very much involved in a relationship). Regardless though, every time she says it to me, I just brush it off and try to change the subject. So I'm not even letting anyone attempt to love me, so forget me even trying to love others if I run from love.

Moving on, there was this one scene in The Dark Knight Rises (oh yeah, here we are referencing Batman again) where Bruce is in a pit in a "more ancient part of the world" and it's a prison. However, if you can manage to climb out, you are a free man. It's not so cut and dry as the outcroppings in the rocks and the spacings make it seemingly impossible, even with a safety rope (of which I have no clue how it actually helps, but we're not here to nitpick a movie). Bruce had a point in which he would attempt the climb, but fail the 2 major times he climbed. He also happened to have the safety rope on, and thought his anger and desire for vengeance against Bane would be enough to help him escape and get back to his beloved Gotham City. It wasn't.

Upon talking to the prison's doctor, he hears that the reason why he keeps falling is fear. Bruce responds with "I'm not afraid" to which his response is along the lines that he does not fear death anymore. Therefore he cannot utilize the fear to get the body to "move faster than possible, fight longer than possible." Bruce had thought he got to a stage of being uphigh as Batman that he didn't remember his roots of how he was fearful and used the fear to protect those who couldn't stand up to their fears.

With all that being said, he does finally make the climb when he goes without the rope and has the fear of death pushing him to his limits. It's a big hurrah moment and lots of celebrations from the other prisoners as there had only ever been 1 other person to make the climb out (as far as the movie tells us). So where does that leave me?

Well perhaps I kept fearing being hurt or cut deeply or whatever damages can be a potential from loving others. And while yes loving other people doesn't mean I will definitely get hurt, and it also doesn't mean I won't get hurt, but that's a risk I'll have to take if I ever want to connect to people enough to love them. If I tell others I'd like to be a family man, to have a wife and have kids, etc., then how am I to expect that will happen without love? I guess it could be done, but not the way that I wish it to be done for me and my life.

So it is time to face my fear of the phrase and the idea of loving again. It's time to open back up; to tear my walls down that I have set up to think I was protecting myself and my heart. If I wish to get back to the world and to try to find this desire, I need to be out there. And I can't be out there if I hide from any level or any kind of love presented to me. And I, in turn, need to be willing to let people in close and to start loving others again. Sure it's the closest ones that hurt most if something happens, but I shouldn't indulge myself to thinking that just because someone gets close to me that they will hurt me. There's only really been 1 time of being hurt by someone I trusted, but in hindsight it was justified as I hurt him and he trusted me. Of course, it's best to never go eye for eye, but sometimes it happens.

All in all, I must face my fears and maybe I can finally and truly escape this prison that I've referenced that I have been in multiple times in the last year in several blog posts. That's all for now, and here's to day one of getting back out there, and no more fearing the love no matter what may happen or come of it.