At this point, with it being well over a year since the "break-up" (since there wasn't any official relationship but it was a certain level of closeness to one another that it was basically a relationship), and well over a year since I last really talked to her, you'd think I'd be all set and packed up on that particular topic/person. Well, keyword is, you'd think.
Lo and behold, that isn't the case exactly. I mean in my defense how does on even control dreams and what is even put in the dream? The strongest way I know is to flood the mind with ideas or people or thoughts right before I fall asleep, but even that is a shot in the dark. I don't have the so-called "lucid dreaming" ability, so whatever happens happens. Sometimes the dreams are a snippet of the future which causes me to have a deja vu moment at some unspecified time (of which is another interesting topic as how would I be able to even get that feeling. Either it's happened before and life is as one theory goes just a vivid recollection of what happened, or the mind has experienced enough and can make a prediction on what can and will happen and then it just fits in eventually). Without getting super side-tracked, last night's dream was of that same person I dated but not really dated.
It was strange for sure as the last known connection of communication was on Christmas Day of 2020. Whether it was foolish, arrogant, or what have you of me to send a text out, I sent a relatively simple "Merry Christmas" text that was elaborated a little. In return there was a simple "Merry Christmas" and that was that. After consulting with friends, it was probably best to not belabor anything, to not try a Happy New Year, and to leave it as it is. To leave that friendship in the past and move on with life.
So I did move on. Or so I thought. I mean yes, every now and then I get feelings of sadness for what occurred or a downed feeling because of what could have been. Sometimes I do regret burning bridges in the way that I did and that now I've excommunicated myself from a friend group that I created and (from a certain point of view) quite literally would never have existed if it were not for me. For clarity's sake so as to not paint myself as a narcissist or having some supreme sense of arrogance or whatever (I keep using "arrogance" yet I don't think I'm using it properly *Inigo Montoya intensifies*) the friend group was started because of the Liberty Batman. And as a way to make it more fun, it was expanded to become the Liberty Batfamily because the other people within the group took on other roles of the comic-book Batfamily, therefore giving grounds to have different personas run @thelibertybatman and create a different take on the social media superheroes on Liberty's campus. Without the Batman, I somehow don't think that all of these people would've gotten together. At least not as soon as they did.
What was the dream, you may ask? Well it was simply I was hanging out with the friend whom I've restored things with, and then I want to say it was probably on Liberty's campus and maybe in the Montview Student Union as the only connection I made in conscious life was to a food establishment called Hey Cow! My friend left me as I apparently needed to talk to her, so she sat down. And then I began to apologize. Apologize for the way that things went, for the way I reacted to it all, and I kept trying to explain how it all made me feel and tried to convey a level genuineness in the apology. That while it has been said that there is no need to keep on apologizing, that somehow saying it with the breath in my lungs made a difference than over text. And maybe that stems from how I think true person-to-person interaction or even heart-to-heart conversation should be: in person, vocally and not over text.
I don't know what dream-me was trying to accomplish. To salvage a friendship that probably cannot ever be salvaged? To try to grow something anew in a land that is barren of nutrients and possibility to grow? Who knows? Then there's another side to me that thinks that maybe if this person is still in the mind whether it be in the unconscious state of dreams, or the conscious state of mind during the waking world, am I to try again to reach out and apologize? Or would that be frivolous and a waste of time and energy to try to reconnect? I don't even know what reconnection would do. Because if everything for everyone else is still going to plan, she would be graduating in the very near future, so I'd somehow doubt she'd be anywhere close to the East Coast. I know one of the former group members is enrolled in a Master's program but may possibly be pausing that for a bit. I know my one friend I semi-regularly talk to is now married and is sustaining himself and his wife (well his wife works, but you get the idea he's not exactly at Liberty anymore and is living life with his best friend). And as for the other? I'm not sure where she's at in life as there was a long disconnect after my excommunication. I've occasionally reached out, but I know not where she stands on continuing her higher education.
Even if somehow they were all at Liberty now, what good is it to me? I'm still here, at home, studying (sort of, whoops got to get back on top of things for that) at community college (albeit online classes) and even if I were to consider returning to Liberty to finish my degree, it wouldn't be until the earliest Fall 2022. Because I still have a couple more semesters at community college so that I can at least achieve an Associate's Degree, and then re-plan and reset my course and direction in life with some level of formal education beyond the high school diploma.
I suppose there is a lot to consider and a lot to think on. Perhaps I should consult some of the people I still am in touch with, and see what they think is best. Maybe I'll just drop a link to this blog post and hope that they will be able to give me their insights on the topic. Or maybe I'll just move on and just forget any of this happened. There's no point in living in the past when there's a whole future and a whole world out there that I might be missing just so I could relive some of what I deemed to be amazing in my semi-recent years.
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