Now before I get too caught up in saying 2021 hasn't been good or already looking forward to 2022 (although I am looking forward to that year mainly for the release of "The Batman" but that's a different kind of looking forward), I must admit there has been some good. I hit my 1 year anniversary of working full time and I've learned so much about work ethic and leadership, as well as communication and teamwork. I've also been going to the gym regularly and have been setting new personal records which are far beyond anything I would have dreamed of, especially in comparison to my good routine that lasted 6 months back in 2019. I mean back then it took 6 months to hit 190 lbs for a 1 rep max on bench press, and that was a challenge. And back then I never squatted and deadlifted once, only doing 85 lbs. But now, 2 months deep (I suppose retraining after initial training is easier and some technical details, yada yada yada) I have now benched 220 lbs, deadlifted 250 lbs, and can semi-rep 195 lbs on squat. All numbers unfathomable to me back then and back then I had thought myself to be at peak performance of my own life, but the glass ceiling continues to be broken.
With all that being said, the somber news is the learning of the passing of a great friend. Someone who I've shared many countless memories of fooling around and learning Aikido. To making jokes and talking about nerdy stuff like Batman, Green Arrow, Flash, etc. Sharing meals together, celebrating birthdays, and bolstering one another as we sharpen each others' skills. Making mnemonic devices for some Aikido movements like "Mickey Mouse" and "Star Wars" so as to help us remember it for our rank tests. The list goes on and on. Most importantly, I think he was the first friend I made as a younger kid as I began to enter the so-called "adult class". I was always a nervous/shy person when it comes to new environments and new people, but I can certainly become quite the social butterfly once I finally get comfortable. The challenge is getting comfortable, and my friend helped me to achieve that level of comfort, which then allowed me to relax and make more friends at Aikido and become even more relaxed and ready to learn.
I suppose that after hearing different details, it was a theoretical inevitable occurence. I mean yes, everyone on Earth will pass away at one point or another, but that's not what I meant. Without sharing specifics as that's probably (and most definitely) a HIPAA violation, I still am hurt by it all. The last time I saw him was when I was training every single Aikido class that I could before the pandemic set in and then emails coming out saying that the dojo is closed until further notice. Then the feelings of regret kick in because they have been hosting classes either outdoors and distanced, or indoors and masked up and sanitized with some sort of supposed air filtration systems in place. So it's not like I couldn't have found a common time to meet up as I'm sure there would have been one or two classes eventually that coincided. But I chose to not train because I don't like the idea of wearing masks during cardiovascular exercise. The ironic side is that I'd willingly go lift heavy weights with the same mask on, so what difference is it? Maybe just my goals and priorities have shifted? Maybe I am once again taking things and life for granted that this pandemic can and will be over before even having to wonder about such intricacies and "poor timing" of events such as passings?
I don't really know how or what to feel in all of this. All that I really know for sure is that I am hurting. I may not feel it just yet, but I definitely will. The idea that the last time I saw him was well over a year ago, and to think that this day wouldn't have come so soon is not sitting well with me. I want to feel anger at something but I cannot be angry at people nor can I be angry at God. Sure one may argue that God hasn't removed the pandemic, but that's not fair as we as humans will never know the whole plan. We can only see through the keyhole and we aren't getting all the proper information necessary to make a logically sound and infallible decision on how to feel or to think over anything here on Earth. Maybe I am angry at myself and the feelings of regret and denial are starting to attack me from the inside. So I guess here I am trying to open up about it, yet how does this constitute since I don't publicly advertise this blog? All I know is that my feelings and emotions will probably numb out or feel dampened compared to normal. I will try to laugh it off or tell jokes or be my usual happy, joyous self, but it will be hard and might possibly be something I cannot be right now.
To quote the Green Arrow, I feel like I've failed this city.
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