Never Enough

"All the shine of a thousand spotlights, all the stars that we steal from the night sky, will never be enough, never be enough." -Jenny Lind in The Greatest Showman

I know that there are several truths/realities to admit to and acknowledge.

1) I should've moved on a month or two ago

2) My worth and my value is not determined by what a girl says/if she does or doesn't want to date me

3) All that of which I am feeling and writing is only temporary, none of it is real and none of it is permanent

4) If it were truly meant to be, then it would have been

And maybe there are a few more truths and realities to acknowledge, but with all that being said, I must begin.

So if you've kept up with a select few posts in the last couple months (I really haven't been writing much for a long while) you'll know that I had tried to ask out a girl at work (probably not the wisest choice in general), got a yes, scheduled a date, had to raincheck that date, never got that raincheck, and now...

Well, seeing that I attempted to move on as of last Friday (see the last/recent post titled "Coincidences") you'd think that that would've been among the last, if not the last post in regards to that one. But if that were the case, I wouldn't be here writing and you wouldn't be here reading.

So I was chatting with a coworker today during my shift. I forget if I had mentioned it first or if we got to the subject one way and then I asked a little more in that department, but the topic shifted to the crush. It was said that the crush would soon stop working at the same workplace as apparently she got accepted to the nursing school she was trying to get into by January or something? I didn't know she got accepted as all I knew was she was wanting to apply that she told me back in August, and then I might've asked once or twice in September or so trying to show that I remember things and wanted to check in on it.

Totally unrelated, but just now at 9:11 p.m. I got hit with a wave of deja vu. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but anyways.

Continuing on, I suddenly felt my heart sink upon hearing the news she would most likely halt work for now (or forever at this place, who knows, regardless it doesn't matter). I can't explain why I felt my heart sink, it's not like I was dating her or really able to try anything with her. She also hadn't returned any of the last 3 texts, first being a follow up to her return home from a trip to Peru, a second some days later trying to strike up conversation about a mutual friend returning to this area from Rhode Island, and third was a simple "Happy Thanksgiving, [name]" text that was a simple format I sent individually to all sorts of friends. Admittedly, it was the lack of response to the Thanksgiving text that began to spur on the realization and acceptance of the need to move on.

To continue my story of today, shortly after the news of the crush's change and new journey into nursing school, the conversation eventually ebbed off for a short bit and I entered into my own thoughts. It would get to me going a bit dark and it seems uncalled for and unnecessary. I mean it was only to the extent of "am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? I missed my chance and my opportunities. I should've acted sooner and forgotten about the crush I had on someone else prior since that was going nowhere anyways. Why didn't this work?" You get the idea.

And sure, I made the joke to a couple of people already, saying "oh well with this, I now can use it to fuel my workouts and get big and swole," and sure maybe that is kinda funny or just overplayed as a meme, but you have to think about it. Why would this even be fuel for my workout? I had no real investment be it time, money, emotion, etc. Sure maybe I "wasted" the last few months hoping and hoping that I could "cash" that raincheck. To hopefully somehow get somewhere, thinking maybe she'll have a break in her busy schedule to just get a coffee or otherwise get to know me as I got to know her. No money was expended, save for like $2 for when I pulled some stunt to act as if I "oops happened on a need for a Celsius energy drink and got one for her conveniently." Maybe I wasn't subtle on that, and she definitely saw through me on that one, I mean who wouldn't? But anyways, $2, if that really broke my bank, I shouldn't have even tried it. The most amount of emotion I've invested is a hope for a date, and even at that, I gained from that feeling more confident that I can go ask out the prettiest girl in the room and succeed (sometimes).

All of that fluff and nonsense to say: why do I feel like I came up short? It almost felt like I was being broken up with, but also not? I mean how could you break up with someone you were never with? Now hold on, 2020 Geoff would like a word with you, but I guess with that one, at least it felt like a relationship and maybe that one pre-emptively said "I love you" to me way sooner than was wise.

I did start questioning my worth. What could I have done differently so that maybe I could've been in a relationship with her? But then maybe it just wasn't good timing. Maybe there's some slim chance that she was genuinely interested to at least try the coffee date, but timing was inopportune what with the reason for a raincheck, then her vacation to Ireland, then the onboarding of another job (I know it would look like she got the job to avoid me, but I knew she was getting the job before I even considered to ask her out), then just the craziness of my own life and schedule. Sure I don't work 2 jobs, but I'm taking 3 classes, working 30+ hours a week spread over 6 days, I choose to lift for probably 7 hours a week average, so what time do I even have anyways? So maybe, just maybe, if she were serious, it might just be the wrong time for the both of us.

Actually, after writing that last paragraph, I am starting to feel better about it as a whole, feeling like the edge has been taken off. That I am coming more to being at peace with that (only at 9:41 p.m. so what? 30 minutes after the deja vu I had?) So now, I don't know. I get the feeling that maybe this peace is temporary as was the pain or the hurt or whatever I was experiencing earlier. But who knows, I'm going to post this all anyways in the event the flashes of hurt and pain come back for whatever reason.

Still the feeling of not being enough today wasn't fun and it made my work today drag on and on and on. I finally made it to the end and now I must prepare and see what tomorrow brings, because no matter how good or bad I feel in any given day, I must go on. The show must continue. Time isn't waiting for me. I must rise and try to power through.

I guess I'll be back to write again if I'm not making it that well. Because let's face it: I never actually stop writing about a topic (or more specifically a girl haha) until I just straight up don't return to the blog at all. Maybe this blog is cursed with knowledge, or maybe it is my downfall.

Coincidences

 Maybe it took me longer than need be to get to this point, but then sometimes things must be discovered on my own and chosen on my own rather than being told to do so by others. Yeah, I probably could've benefitted to some degree by taking the cautionary messages and ideas to let go sooner than later, but here we are.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and for fun I sent out quick little texts to a bunch of people whom I call a friend, whether I became friends with them this year or in years past. Just a simple "Happy Thanksgiving, [insert name]" and that was that. After that I would simply wait for a response and if they did, I'd continue with some "small talk" and ask what their plans were for the holiday.

Most everyone whom I had texted had sent me a reply. All except for one. And it was her.

Now I didn't necessarily expect anyone to respond, but considering it was a neutral text sent out to many people (as individual texts so I suppose one might not see the scale of which these texts were sent out) and it was for something as common as a holiday, why not just reply a quick "Happy Thanksgiving" in return?

As a result, I figured, "hey maybe this is truly like the last last last time you should hold on." And sure, maybe I've held on for way too long. On the one hand it's like "Geoff, what were you thinking holding on for so long based on a simple hope?" On the other hand, while it was a simple hope, it was enough of one considering in the last couple of years I had tried to ask out a couple of girls and they all turned me down, so when I got a "yes" it was game-changing.

Admittedly, I did feel a bit of defeat when things were slated to be put on "rain check" and as it would seem some 2 1/2 months later that said rain check must be past its expiration date. And now it makes me wonder, what was this all for?

Some people have told me that the people I meet in my life usually have something to teach me or to show me, and this counts for all people whom I befriend (or maybe not even necessarily become friends with), no matter how short or how long I may have them in my life. It got to me thinking that the last girl I would talk a lot about on this blog helped me to truly realize what it all is about to be in a relationship, to be ready to sacrifice time, energy, and resources to take care of be there for another. To become selfless.

Then what did I learn from meeting a girl, trying to ask her out, getting a yes, then ultimately never getting that date? Was it to refresh my sense of self-confidence that even if I may be scared to go talk to the prettiest girl in the room that I should try and at least owe it to myself to try to ask her out? Was it just to try to relearn what it's like to go up to different people whom I may see regularly and see what I can find out about their story and where they're coming from, and just learn how to socialize? What was it all for?

Anyways, so I've finally decided for myself that I've waited and I've tried to be cordial and text in a friendly manner here and there for long enough. I mean sure, it does truly seem like she's too busy to date right now anyways, so maybe it was just bad timing on my part. How was I supposed to know? Perhaps I should've tried talking to her and initiating everything sooner, maybe that would've worked out then? Who even knows?

But of course the day that I decide to let go is the day that she happens to stop by in the gym around the same time I do. Now from what I gather about her usual day to day routine with her jobs is that if she does show up, it's later than I am there so I'm long gone before she even steps foot in the room. But I suppose that since today it Black Friday, or more importantly, just the day after Thanksgiving, all the kids that normally have school are home or maybe the parents are all home, so she needn't be at work, and also with no swim lessons for the children, another task removed from her plate for today. So maybe the time that I'm in the gym for the last 21 months is around the same time she prefers to be in there. It could all be coincidental.

I didn't approach her in the gym, since I figured that's not what I'm there for. Besides, I didn't expect to see her again after she left work today, and I was just going to go in, do my thing, and get out and chill. I half-debated an idea to just smile and wave, but decided against that since I'm choosing to let go. The only thing I noticed is that eventually her sister came in (I know of her sister because she's mentioned her, and also I technically went to school with her sister way long ago). They were conversing, exactly what about I do not know but it's not for me to know anyways. Eventually she goes off to start doing weight training, and her sister goes for a run on a treadmill in the center of the row of treadmills, close enough to being the center of the room.

Again, it could be coincidental, but as I would look around aimlessly in between sets, I would occasionally look over in the direction of the sister, and she would happen to be looking back at me. I wasn't sure if it was just the same aimless eye wandering as treadmill running can very quickly become monotonous, but it almost felt like I was being watched. I wouldn't necessarily be surprised if I was being watched considering I had made a few moves here and there on the girl, and maybe the sister was there to keep an eye on me to make sure I didn't do anything? But I don't think I've ever truly overstepped boundaries, so it's not like I am a threat per se. Also just the whole thing about never seeing the sister in the gym before, figuring that she stays in NYC as that's where the girl told me her sister lives and works. Perhaps she was home for Thanksgiving weekend and wanted to get a workout in. Who knows?

All in all, it's almost funny and comical how the world works. The day I finally figure to myself that I'm going to let go and just return to my solitude without a thought about finding a relationship is also the same time I see her for longer and more times throughout the day than originally anticipated.

It led me to a brief prayer to see what's going on and to attempt to give it to God, but I've been a subpar Christian, heck, I've not even been a Christian much more than wanting it to be Christmas but that's not necessarily Christianity for the reasons I want to celebrate. The extent that I claim for it is if someone asks if I have a faith, and also the sterling silver cross necklace I wear day in and day out. I had tried to ask whether this lack of a reply to my Thanksgiving text is part of a sign to let go, or what am I to do with the seeming coincidences of seeing her today. Perhaps I am to still let go anyways, but then everything doesn't make sense to me if everything supposedly happens for a reason.

Forgive & Forget

 So it came up the other night since I happened to be talking about how my former boss at my current job was let go from the job and how I wasn't sure how to feel about learning the truth of why he was let go. All I'll say is that it's not something I know how to feel about because it doesn't directly affect me, but in a personal aspect I see it as a wrong, but then who am I to judge others for their wrongs when I have my own wrongs?

While I was conversing this subject with my parents since my siblings had been out of the house due to visiting friends or being in college, so it was just myself and my parents, it was somehow led right into the topic of forgiveness. While sure in this instance nothing was done that necessarily requires my forgiveness, but it was pulled from the idea that as someone who claims Christianity as his faith, that I should be Christ-like and should be kind and show the world what God would want me to do and to be to show the love of His kingdom, etc.

Considering it has been a few days since this conversation, I don't exactly remember how it transitioned as such, but it got to the topic of my dad saying I should reach out to the guy who bullied me in middle school and see if I can befriend him now and hang out or do something with him. Immediately I was put off by the mere suggestion of it, and was mildly scolded saying that it's not very Christ-like for me to not even consider giving the guy a chance. They were claiming that I had told them this guy had come out of the woodwork and apologized to me for his wrongdoing back then. But that's not how it happened. And maybe I should've said something, but I was already walled off to an extent.

The way all of it happened (I tried to find the actual instagram messages but I couldn't so you'll have to take my word for it) is that some point a few years back, I suppose during the summer of 2018, I had posted something on my instagram story (of what exactly, I haven't a clue) and at some point during the day I had gone ahead and went to check who viewed my story. Not that it really matters since I'm not sure how it tracks it and whether just quickly tapping or scrolling through counts as a viewer and what not. Anyways, I happened to go through the viewer list and saw that the guy who bullied me was among the list. Now I don't know why I thought it to be a good idea, but I had then gone to his profile, messaged him and came off a bit aggressive saying something like "why are you viewing my profile since I thought you hated me?" A big accusation and definitely not one of my proudest moments.

He eventually responded and ultimately came to a end of "yeah I don't know why I made fun of you, so I'm sorry." And yeah, I guess on the one hand it was nice to at least have read that message once, even if I can't find it today. At that time, it almost put me at a peace because it was nice to just see that some people can change for the better, and also I was a lot more into my faith while I was at Liberty (I've certainly been more and more disconnected being home and away from so many Christians day in and day out).

Now sure I guess I still could change my mind and try to reach out anyways, but I'm stuck because in my head, I got my closure, I got the ending that I am okay with. I don't have any hard feelings for the guy and I certainly hope he does well in whatever he is up to now. I've seen him maybe once or twice when I initially started my exercising in 2019, but then that was probably the last time I saw him, I don't see him anymore especially considering I'm in the gym a lot more now than I ever was back then. My only reason for not wanting to is because I don't even know what to say to the guy. I don't know if there's anything in common or what to even do to hang out or catch up. I never got the chance to know him for him. I mean if I were to really think about it, sure I was actually friends with him for the first couple weeks of middle school and back then I had felt really good about being able to make a new friend so quickly. But for whatever reason unknown to me, we would quickly be turned against each other. I'm not sure what drove that switch, maybe it was some other mutual friends under a feeling of a threat to lose their friend they've known for awhile to someone new. Maybe it was done as a "hey do this and you're cool" sort of thing. Who knows why things changed, but they did and it made my life a living hell to go to school for the next 3 years at minimum. I luckily didn't get too much of being bullied the first couple years of high school, then after that spurred on the whole "DragonPupps Era" where I felt untouchable because everyone knew my name and was watching my silly little "Let's Play" videos on YouTube. I had become a local legend, and maybe people had drawn attention to it to make fun of me, but with the thought of everyone knowing my name, I couldn't care less, so it empowered me the more and more they used the "household name."

To not side track this to that, I had wished that things could've been different. I felt that we could've definitely been friends if we had both made better choices. Maybe I could've gotten ahead of it all and try to figure out why the sudden change to making fun of me. Maybe I could've stopped myself from retaliating and making fun of him, which caused a vicious cycle of trying to one-up each other and unfortunately it was just fed and egged on by the others whom I had either already known or whom I had recently met at that time. Maybe middle school is just a god-awful time of life because everyone is beginning to hit puberty or maybe they feel that they are getting to be old enough to be "mature" or want to show off how "cool" they are that they can do certain things now. It seems general consensus is that most people don't like their own middle school years, so there has to be something rotten at the core of it all. Maybe it's simply human nature and that's how you either grow or you get left behind in the harsh reality of life and the world.

Whatever the case of what middle school is or isn't, I'm still left with what do I do now? I mean we're talking about this some semblance of an apology happening over 4 years ago. We're talking about a guy who I really only saw in middle school. I mean sure I knew he was at the same high school as I was, but somehow I never saw him in the halls. Or at least I can't recall ever seeing him. Maybe because there were 1,000+ students roaming the halls in between class periods, maybe it was just the way schedules were organized since it wasn't necessarily split by school grade, who knows? Whatever the case, I haven't really seen or talked to the guy much, save for those one or two instances I mentioned about in 2019, in nearly 10 years. 2023 is around the corner, I "graduated" middle school (does it count as a true graduation?) back in 2013, so when this current school year ends, it'll be 10 years since middle school.

If it were up to me, I think I'm quite content just going on with my daily life without a single thought about this guy. And he might be the same and is content going through his life without a single thought about me. I think that that's totally fine. I suppose it comes down to the whole forgiveness subject. I mean do I, and really do I, forgive this guy for how he made my life suck for a few years? I mean I don't hold any active grudges against him, but I feel that a lot of the damage I hold today can be sourced back to the daily torture from the words said and actions against me. Saying I was fat, saying that I wasn't cool because I wasn't athletic in any capability, saying x, y, and z. And while it doesn't truly hinder me (I don't think but maybe I'm good at coping) I find that even with the last 21 months of lifting weights, I still critique every fat bit of myself. I still think that I'm not cool enough to hang out with people whom I think are cool. I don't think of myself as being able to make friends that easily. I lack so much confidence when I try to talk to girls because for so many of those formative years I was told I was ugly or never able to get a girlfriend. (Side note, I feel a little bit better about my ability to talk to girls having had more practice and just accepting things are the way they are and just practicing on the girls who I happen to see now at work or wherever, just holding casual conversation and small talk.)

Maybe this is just a wake up call that maybe I need therapy. And legitimate therapy and not just the meme of weightlifting and the gym is my therapy. Although I do have to admit that going to the gym and lifting heavy weights makes me feel good and keeps me at peace. And also the compliments from other gym goers, regardless if they're mostly or all guys, is nice to hear things like "wow you're strong" or "you're looking big" and the like. Because in that context at least being big is good. Alas, maybe there are some deep-seated things that I haven't quite resolved yet which hinder my ability to be my best. Maybe it generates a prejudice or thought process that causes me to be more cynical about the way things are. Maybe it forces me to push people away when the slightest bit of adversary or challenge arises when in reality if I had been able to step back and not be in my emotions that maybe I could've seen that it was meant in the best of ways. Maybe it is what causes me to throw the shields and walls up when things are going poorly. Maybe it causes me to have a poor reaction/defense mechanism and be ready to fight and react poorly with anger and aggression.

I could probably self-analyze myself all day long, but for the sake of not writing another 10 novels for one post, I'll leave it at this: maybe I need therapy. Maybe I didn't actually forgive him back when he sort of apologized. Maybe I did, and maybe I just have to continue on forgetting him until the topic of middle school comes up again. Or maybe I should at least for a slight moment consider that possibly, just possibly, I could try to take the moral high road and at least think about reaching out and trying to be amicable.

If I'm being honest, I'll probably not think of it much, or at least I wouldn't actually consider anything. If I know myself, I know that I'll probably mull over this for awhile longer or randomly throughout my days for a week or two, then eventually back to not even remembering this guy exists. I am just slightly torn considering the whole faith thing was brought in and for someone who wears a silver cross necklace day in and day out ever since one formal event, what does it say about me if I don't be Christ-like? The cross necklace is a statement whether I know it or not. I choose every morning to put it on and have it visible. I don't hide it under my shirt, I have it on top and on display for the world to see. Whether they do or don't see it, it is there. It is making a declaration, no matter how loud or silent it is. Therefore, I suppose my actions and choice should be able to reflect the faith I claim.

To forgive and forget, or to forgive and remember, that is the question.

I Am Vengeance

 Considering the last post, I half fear that this will come off as continued obsession or being hung up, but just hear me out and perhaps you'll see the good in it as I do.

If you've been around this blog for awhile, you'll know that from February 2020 to around June of 2021, as well as the occasional mention here and there in 2022, that I'd get into a spiral of wondering what could have been regarding the one time I was sort of in a relationship. There would be times when I would write out questioning what could I have done differently that maybe the friendship wouldn't be gone. What could I have said or done differently in other aspects of my life so that what happened wouldn't have happened. I would find myself begging and shaking my fist at the air just wanting and nearly demanding I just get one more time to see her face to face to hash it out and part ways.

But as you could suspect and is the simple truth to the matter, I never got my answers to any of that. I never saw her since leaving Liberty on December 10th, 2019 (I think, the date is a bit foggy but the point is the rough idea). That day that I drove home was the last time I saw her, spoke to her face to face, and hugged her. All within the puppy love phase of entering a new relationship. Back then I had thought I got my big break so to speak. Years of trying to pursue after girls and get into a relationship, and finally one likes me back and we start doing something. That it would maybe last awhile, and maybe go on for a long, long time. But it didn't.

I kept thinking to myself, and I kept internally screaming at God, why was He doing this to me? Why did He tantalize me with a taste of what a relationship is like then take it all away? What did I do to deserve this? It was a long and hard healing process to realize that maybe this is ultimately the best course of action.

Whatever you want to label me as for once again talking about it 21 months later is up to you. I don't care, I don't know what you want, this is my space to write my thoughts and I feel content.

All of this started as I curiously went through all of the different favorited "sounds" on my tiktok to see if I can turn one into something. Eventually I happened upon an interesting yet upbeat song about saying how everything sucks, but it was hopeful. It spoke about not thinking about an ex, and how the singer has gone outside for the first time in a few days, and would even consider exercising. The point is just self-care and rebuilding from some emotional hurt (if I had to guess a breakup). I remember saving that audio for the day that I would feel good enough to progress my life without writing a blog piece about her, and while I am here doing that now, it's a different thing (I've also probably said that "it's different" about a thousand times for every time this subject comes up haha).

The way it's different is because all of those times that I would shake my fist at the heavens trying to see if somehow and some way I could get a miracle that allowed me to speak to her face to face to get closure or whatever reason I had for wanting a last in-person chat, I honestly never knew what I would say to her, even if somehow it all lined up and I got what I asked for. But now I think I know what I would say. I would talk to her and just chat a little bit, basic small talk. Then as we set to part ways, wish her well and hope that whomever she is with now can treat her the way I couldn't. To just live the life that is most fulfilling for her, and wish her well in whatever endeavor she may encounter in life that she chooses to pursue. Then I would leave. Nothing more of apologizing for how things were nor trying to make up for the way things went. Because that's beating a dead horse at that point.

It even got to me thinking that even if somehow things were mendable and that somehow it could be picked up right where it left off, I don't think it could or would work. I am not the same man I was back when she met me and got to know me over those few months we shared. I mean I'd like to think that I still hold some extent of the kindness and caring that I had. That maybe back then I had more compassion than I do now. Ever since leaving Liberty and being outside of the bubble that was there, being away from so many open Christians who would be better than the reputation the school now holds, left me in a very secular world. A world where I went back and put my faith on the backburner. A world that I'd find that people didn't ultimately care about me to some extent if I didn't share something with them or helped produce something of value for them. Maybe that's always the way the world has been. Maybe not. Who am I to know?

But I've found that I am vengeful, more so than ever. Not just because I pass it off as an emulation of Batman, but because I truly seek to bring a downfall on those who are lesser to me or to whomever I deemed has wronged me, and I seek to bring them down. I mean, did you even read the last post? I could've skipped writing and I probably should've skipped it. I could delete it now, but I try to keep this thing about not deleting posts as a reminder to myself of where I've been and hopefully to show the growth of where I've gotten to. I'm not even sure if I have grown much at all as I think about it.

If nothing else, I've written 2 posts in this calendar year alone, seeking vengeance against 2 different people. I've never physically harmed anyone, but I sought out some way to strike at them in retaliation. Where did my kindness and compassion go? Who and what caused me to replace it with a bitter vengeance?

I feel that there must be some good left in me somewhere. I've come to peace with some things, but as you can see I am developing a war with other aspects. Can I not just be still and when I find peace in one area to just move on and settle down in more peace than war? Can I just be chill and let it wash over me, feel the emotions it brings, and let it fade away? Do I always have to be reactive?

Maybe to some extent, those who've I've sought vengeance against had some grain of truth about me. Maybe I do need to grow up and not worry about them needing to grow up in their own way. Maybe I do have some of the flaws they throw out when in their emotionally charged messaging. Perhaps I have yet to truly see all my own flaws and imperfections and I get too defensive to realize it. Whatever the case is, I don't think that pure vengeance alone is going to solve my issues.

Whatever the future holds as far as growth is up to the powers that be, be it God, or whatever or whomever else has some influence on my life. I suppose that even as a barely practicing Christian that I should just stop that previous sentence at just God. I don't know what or who I am anymore. Maybe this is a wake up call.

I have become Vengeance.