Coincidences

 Maybe it took me longer than need be to get to this point, but then sometimes things must be discovered on my own and chosen on my own rather than being told to do so by others. Yeah, I probably could've benefitted to some degree by taking the cautionary messages and ideas to let go sooner than later, but here we are.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and for fun I sent out quick little texts to a bunch of people whom I call a friend, whether I became friends with them this year or in years past. Just a simple "Happy Thanksgiving, [insert name]" and that was that. After that I would simply wait for a response and if they did, I'd continue with some "small talk" and ask what their plans were for the holiday.

Most everyone whom I had texted had sent me a reply. All except for one. And it was her.

Now I didn't necessarily expect anyone to respond, but considering it was a neutral text sent out to many people (as individual texts so I suppose one might not see the scale of which these texts were sent out) and it was for something as common as a holiday, why not just reply a quick "Happy Thanksgiving" in return?

As a result, I figured, "hey maybe this is truly like the last last last time you should hold on." And sure, maybe I've held on for way too long. On the one hand it's like "Geoff, what were you thinking holding on for so long based on a simple hope?" On the other hand, while it was a simple hope, it was enough of one considering in the last couple of years I had tried to ask out a couple of girls and they all turned me down, so when I got a "yes" it was game-changing.

Admittedly, I did feel a bit of defeat when things were slated to be put on "rain check" and as it would seem some 2 1/2 months later that said rain check must be past its expiration date. And now it makes me wonder, what was this all for?

Some people have told me that the people I meet in my life usually have something to teach me or to show me, and this counts for all people whom I befriend (or maybe not even necessarily become friends with), no matter how short or how long I may have them in my life. It got to me thinking that the last girl I would talk a lot about on this blog helped me to truly realize what it all is about to be in a relationship, to be ready to sacrifice time, energy, and resources to take care of be there for another. To become selfless.

Then what did I learn from meeting a girl, trying to ask her out, getting a yes, then ultimately never getting that date? Was it to refresh my sense of self-confidence that even if I may be scared to go talk to the prettiest girl in the room that I should try and at least owe it to myself to try to ask her out? Was it just to try to relearn what it's like to go up to different people whom I may see regularly and see what I can find out about their story and where they're coming from, and just learn how to socialize? What was it all for?

Anyways, so I've finally decided for myself that I've waited and I've tried to be cordial and text in a friendly manner here and there for long enough. I mean sure, it does truly seem like she's too busy to date right now anyways, so maybe it was just bad timing on my part. How was I supposed to know? Perhaps I should've tried talking to her and initiating everything sooner, maybe that would've worked out then? Who even knows?

But of course the day that I decide to let go is the day that she happens to stop by in the gym around the same time I do. Now from what I gather about her usual day to day routine with her jobs is that if she does show up, it's later than I am there so I'm long gone before she even steps foot in the room. But I suppose that since today it Black Friday, or more importantly, just the day after Thanksgiving, all the kids that normally have school are home or maybe the parents are all home, so she needn't be at work, and also with no swim lessons for the children, another task removed from her plate for today. So maybe the time that I'm in the gym for the last 21 months is around the same time she prefers to be in there. It could all be coincidental.

I didn't approach her in the gym, since I figured that's not what I'm there for. Besides, I didn't expect to see her again after she left work today, and I was just going to go in, do my thing, and get out and chill. I half-debated an idea to just smile and wave, but decided against that since I'm choosing to let go. The only thing I noticed is that eventually her sister came in (I know of her sister because she's mentioned her, and also I technically went to school with her sister way long ago). They were conversing, exactly what about I do not know but it's not for me to know anyways. Eventually she goes off to start doing weight training, and her sister goes for a run on a treadmill in the center of the row of treadmills, close enough to being the center of the room.

Again, it could be coincidental, but as I would look around aimlessly in between sets, I would occasionally look over in the direction of the sister, and she would happen to be looking back at me. I wasn't sure if it was just the same aimless eye wandering as treadmill running can very quickly become monotonous, but it almost felt like I was being watched. I wouldn't necessarily be surprised if I was being watched considering I had made a few moves here and there on the girl, and maybe the sister was there to keep an eye on me to make sure I didn't do anything? But I don't think I've ever truly overstepped boundaries, so it's not like I am a threat per se. Also just the whole thing about never seeing the sister in the gym before, figuring that she stays in NYC as that's where the girl told me her sister lives and works. Perhaps she was home for Thanksgiving weekend and wanted to get a workout in. Who knows?

All in all, it's almost funny and comical how the world works. The day I finally figure to myself that I'm going to let go and just return to my solitude without a thought about finding a relationship is also the same time I see her for longer and more times throughout the day than originally anticipated.

It led me to a brief prayer to see what's going on and to attempt to give it to God, but I've been a subpar Christian, heck, I've not even been a Christian much more than wanting it to be Christmas but that's not necessarily Christianity for the reasons I want to celebrate. The extent that I claim for it is if someone asks if I have a faith, and also the sterling silver cross necklace I wear day in and day out. I had tried to ask whether this lack of a reply to my Thanksgiving text is part of a sign to let go, or what am I to do with the seeming coincidences of seeing her today. Perhaps I am to still let go anyways, but then everything doesn't make sense to me if everything supposedly happens for a reason.