I Am Vengeance

 Considering the last post, I half fear that this will come off as continued obsession or being hung up, but just hear me out and perhaps you'll see the good in it as I do.

If you've been around this blog for awhile, you'll know that from February 2020 to around June of 2021, as well as the occasional mention here and there in 2022, that I'd get into a spiral of wondering what could have been regarding the one time I was sort of in a relationship. There would be times when I would write out questioning what could I have done differently that maybe the friendship wouldn't be gone. What could I have said or done differently in other aspects of my life so that what happened wouldn't have happened. I would find myself begging and shaking my fist at the air just wanting and nearly demanding I just get one more time to see her face to face to hash it out and part ways.

But as you could suspect and is the simple truth to the matter, I never got my answers to any of that. I never saw her since leaving Liberty on December 10th, 2019 (I think, the date is a bit foggy but the point is the rough idea). That day that I drove home was the last time I saw her, spoke to her face to face, and hugged her. All within the puppy love phase of entering a new relationship. Back then I had thought I got my big break so to speak. Years of trying to pursue after girls and get into a relationship, and finally one likes me back and we start doing something. That it would maybe last awhile, and maybe go on for a long, long time. But it didn't.

I kept thinking to myself, and I kept internally screaming at God, why was He doing this to me? Why did He tantalize me with a taste of what a relationship is like then take it all away? What did I do to deserve this? It was a long and hard healing process to realize that maybe this is ultimately the best course of action.

Whatever you want to label me as for once again talking about it 21 months later is up to you. I don't care, I don't know what you want, this is my space to write my thoughts and I feel content.

All of this started as I curiously went through all of the different favorited "sounds" on my tiktok to see if I can turn one into something. Eventually I happened upon an interesting yet upbeat song about saying how everything sucks, but it was hopeful. It spoke about not thinking about an ex, and how the singer has gone outside for the first time in a few days, and would even consider exercising. The point is just self-care and rebuilding from some emotional hurt (if I had to guess a breakup). I remember saving that audio for the day that I would feel good enough to progress my life without writing a blog piece about her, and while I am here doing that now, it's a different thing (I've also probably said that "it's different" about a thousand times for every time this subject comes up haha).

The way it's different is because all of those times that I would shake my fist at the heavens trying to see if somehow and some way I could get a miracle that allowed me to speak to her face to face to get closure or whatever reason I had for wanting a last in-person chat, I honestly never knew what I would say to her, even if somehow it all lined up and I got what I asked for. But now I think I know what I would say. I would talk to her and just chat a little bit, basic small talk. Then as we set to part ways, wish her well and hope that whomever she is with now can treat her the way I couldn't. To just live the life that is most fulfilling for her, and wish her well in whatever endeavor she may encounter in life that she chooses to pursue. Then I would leave. Nothing more of apologizing for how things were nor trying to make up for the way things went. Because that's beating a dead horse at that point.

It even got to me thinking that even if somehow things were mendable and that somehow it could be picked up right where it left off, I don't think it could or would work. I am not the same man I was back when she met me and got to know me over those few months we shared. I mean I'd like to think that I still hold some extent of the kindness and caring that I had. That maybe back then I had more compassion than I do now. Ever since leaving Liberty and being outside of the bubble that was there, being away from so many open Christians who would be better than the reputation the school now holds, left me in a very secular world. A world where I went back and put my faith on the backburner. A world that I'd find that people didn't ultimately care about me to some extent if I didn't share something with them or helped produce something of value for them. Maybe that's always the way the world has been. Maybe not. Who am I to know?

But I've found that I am vengeful, more so than ever. Not just because I pass it off as an emulation of Batman, but because I truly seek to bring a downfall on those who are lesser to me or to whomever I deemed has wronged me, and I seek to bring them down. I mean, did you even read the last post? I could've skipped writing and I probably should've skipped it. I could delete it now, but I try to keep this thing about not deleting posts as a reminder to myself of where I've been and hopefully to show the growth of where I've gotten to. I'm not even sure if I have grown much at all as I think about it.

If nothing else, I've written 2 posts in this calendar year alone, seeking vengeance against 2 different people. I've never physically harmed anyone, but I sought out some way to strike at them in retaliation. Where did my kindness and compassion go? Who and what caused me to replace it with a bitter vengeance?

I feel that there must be some good left in me somewhere. I've come to peace with some things, but as you can see I am developing a war with other aspects. Can I not just be still and when I find peace in one area to just move on and settle down in more peace than war? Can I just be chill and let it wash over me, feel the emotions it brings, and let it fade away? Do I always have to be reactive?

Maybe to some extent, those who've I've sought vengeance against had some grain of truth about me. Maybe I do need to grow up and not worry about them needing to grow up in their own way. Maybe I do have some of the flaws they throw out when in their emotionally charged messaging. Perhaps I have yet to truly see all my own flaws and imperfections and I get too defensive to realize it. Whatever the case is, I don't think that pure vengeance alone is going to solve my issues.

Whatever the future holds as far as growth is up to the powers that be, be it God, or whatever or whomever else has some influence on my life. I suppose that even as a barely practicing Christian that I should just stop that previous sentence at just God. I don't know what or who I am anymore. Maybe this is a wake up call.

I have become Vengeance.