I know that there are several truths/realities to admit to and acknowledge.
1) I should've moved on a month or two ago
2) My worth and my value is not determined by what a girl says/if she does or doesn't want to date me
3) All that of which I am feeling and writing is only temporary, none of it is real and none of it is permanent
4) If it were truly meant to be, then it would have been
And maybe there are a few more truths and realities to acknowledge, but with all that being said, I must begin.
So if you've kept up with a select few posts in the last couple months (I really haven't been writing much for a long while) you'll know that I had tried to ask out a girl at work (probably not the wisest choice in general), got a yes, scheduled a date, had to raincheck that date, never got that raincheck, and now...
Well, seeing that I attempted to move on as of last Friday (see the last/recent post titled "Coincidences") you'd think that that would've been among the last, if not the last post in regards to that one. But if that were the case, I wouldn't be here writing and you wouldn't be here reading.
So I was chatting with a coworker today during my shift. I forget if I had mentioned it first or if we got to the subject one way and then I asked a little more in that department, but the topic shifted to the crush. It was said that the crush would soon stop working at the same workplace as apparently she got accepted to the nursing school she was trying to get into by January or something? I didn't know she got accepted as all I knew was she was wanting to apply that she told me back in August, and then I might've asked once or twice in September or so trying to show that I remember things and wanted to check in on it.
Totally unrelated, but just now at 9:11 p.m. I got hit with a wave of deja vu. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but anyways.
Continuing on, I suddenly felt my heart sink upon hearing the news she would most likely halt work for now (or forever at this place, who knows, regardless it doesn't matter). I can't explain why I felt my heart sink, it's not like I was dating her or really able to try anything with her. She also hadn't returned any of the last 3 texts, first being a follow up to her return home from a trip to Peru, a second some days later trying to strike up conversation about a mutual friend returning to this area from Rhode Island, and third was a simple "Happy Thanksgiving, [name]" text that was a simple format I sent individually to all sorts of friends. Admittedly, it was the lack of response to the Thanksgiving text that began to spur on the realization and acceptance of the need to move on.
To continue my story of today, shortly after the news of the crush's change and new journey into nursing school, the conversation eventually ebbed off for a short bit and I entered into my own thoughts. It would get to me going a bit dark and it seems uncalled for and unnecessary. I mean it was only to the extent of "am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? I missed my chance and my opportunities. I should've acted sooner and forgotten about the crush I had on someone else prior since that was going nowhere anyways. Why didn't this work?" You get the idea.
And sure, I made the joke to a couple of people already, saying "oh well with this, I now can use it to fuel my workouts and get big and swole," and sure maybe that is kinda funny or just overplayed as a meme, but you have to think about it. Why would this even be fuel for my workout? I had no real investment be it time, money, emotion, etc. Sure maybe I "wasted" the last few months hoping and hoping that I could "cash" that raincheck. To hopefully somehow get somewhere, thinking maybe she'll have a break in her busy schedule to just get a coffee or otherwise get to know me as I got to know her. No money was expended, save for like $2 for when I pulled some stunt to act as if I "oops happened on a need for a Celsius energy drink and got one for her conveniently." Maybe I wasn't subtle on that, and she definitely saw through me on that one, I mean who wouldn't? But anyways, $2, if that really broke my bank, I shouldn't have even tried it. The most amount of emotion I've invested is a hope for a date, and even at that, I gained from that feeling more confident that I can go ask out the prettiest girl in the room and succeed (sometimes).
All of that fluff and nonsense to say: why do I feel like I came up short? It almost felt like I was being broken up with, but also not? I mean how could you break up with someone you were never with? Now hold on, 2020 Geoff would like a word with you, but I guess with that one, at least it felt like a relationship and maybe that one pre-emptively said "I love you" to me way sooner than was wise.
I did start questioning my worth. What could I have done differently so that maybe I could've been in a relationship with her? But then maybe it just wasn't good timing. Maybe there's some slim chance that she was genuinely interested to at least try the coffee date, but timing was inopportune what with the reason for a raincheck, then her vacation to Ireland, then the onboarding of another job (I know it would look like she got the job to avoid me, but I knew she was getting the job before I even considered to ask her out), then just the craziness of my own life and schedule. Sure I don't work 2 jobs, but I'm taking 3 classes, working 30+ hours a week spread over 6 days, I choose to lift for probably 7 hours a week average, so what time do I even have anyways? So maybe, just maybe, if she were serious, it might just be the wrong time for the both of us.
Actually, after writing that last paragraph, I am starting to feel better about it as a whole, feeling like the edge has been taken off. That I am coming more to being at peace with that (only at 9:41 p.m. so what? 30 minutes after the deja vu I had?) So now, I don't know. I get the feeling that maybe this peace is temporary as was the pain or the hurt or whatever I was experiencing earlier. But who knows, I'm going to post this all anyways in the event the flashes of hurt and pain come back for whatever reason.
Still the feeling of not being enough today wasn't fun and it made my work today drag on and on and on. I finally made it to the end and now I must prepare and see what tomorrow brings, because no matter how good or bad I feel in any given day, I must go on. The show must continue. Time isn't waiting for me. I must rise and try to power through.
I guess I'll be back to write again if I'm not making it that well. Because let's face it: I never actually stop writing about a topic (or more specifically a girl haha) until I just straight up don't return to the blog at all. Maybe this blog is cursed with knowledge, or maybe it is my downfall.
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