Forgive & Forget

 So it came up the other night since I happened to be talking about how my former boss at my current job was let go from the job and how I wasn't sure how to feel about learning the truth of why he was let go. All I'll say is that it's not something I know how to feel about because it doesn't directly affect me, but in a personal aspect I see it as a wrong, but then who am I to judge others for their wrongs when I have my own wrongs?

While I was conversing this subject with my parents since my siblings had been out of the house due to visiting friends or being in college, so it was just myself and my parents, it was somehow led right into the topic of forgiveness. While sure in this instance nothing was done that necessarily requires my forgiveness, but it was pulled from the idea that as someone who claims Christianity as his faith, that I should be Christ-like and should be kind and show the world what God would want me to do and to be to show the love of His kingdom, etc.

Considering it has been a few days since this conversation, I don't exactly remember how it transitioned as such, but it got to the topic of my dad saying I should reach out to the guy who bullied me in middle school and see if I can befriend him now and hang out or do something with him. Immediately I was put off by the mere suggestion of it, and was mildly scolded saying that it's not very Christ-like for me to not even consider giving the guy a chance. They were claiming that I had told them this guy had come out of the woodwork and apologized to me for his wrongdoing back then. But that's not how it happened. And maybe I should've said something, but I was already walled off to an extent.

The way all of it happened (I tried to find the actual instagram messages but I couldn't so you'll have to take my word for it) is that some point a few years back, I suppose during the summer of 2018, I had posted something on my instagram story (of what exactly, I haven't a clue) and at some point during the day I had gone ahead and went to check who viewed my story. Not that it really matters since I'm not sure how it tracks it and whether just quickly tapping or scrolling through counts as a viewer and what not. Anyways, I happened to go through the viewer list and saw that the guy who bullied me was among the list. Now I don't know why I thought it to be a good idea, but I had then gone to his profile, messaged him and came off a bit aggressive saying something like "why are you viewing my profile since I thought you hated me?" A big accusation and definitely not one of my proudest moments.

He eventually responded and ultimately came to a end of "yeah I don't know why I made fun of you, so I'm sorry." And yeah, I guess on the one hand it was nice to at least have read that message once, even if I can't find it today. At that time, it almost put me at a peace because it was nice to just see that some people can change for the better, and also I was a lot more into my faith while I was at Liberty (I've certainly been more and more disconnected being home and away from so many Christians day in and day out).

Now sure I guess I still could change my mind and try to reach out anyways, but I'm stuck because in my head, I got my closure, I got the ending that I am okay with. I don't have any hard feelings for the guy and I certainly hope he does well in whatever he is up to now. I've seen him maybe once or twice when I initially started my exercising in 2019, but then that was probably the last time I saw him, I don't see him anymore especially considering I'm in the gym a lot more now than I ever was back then. My only reason for not wanting to is because I don't even know what to say to the guy. I don't know if there's anything in common or what to even do to hang out or catch up. I never got the chance to know him for him. I mean if I were to really think about it, sure I was actually friends with him for the first couple weeks of middle school and back then I had felt really good about being able to make a new friend so quickly. But for whatever reason unknown to me, we would quickly be turned against each other. I'm not sure what drove that switch, maybe it was some other mutual friends under a feeling of a threat to lose their friend they've known for awhile to someone new. Maybe it was done as a "hey do this and you're cool" sort of thing. Who knows why things changed, but they did and it made my life a living hell to go to school for the next 3 years at minimum. I luckily didn't get too much of being bullied the first couple years of high school, then after that spurred on the whole "DragonPupps Era" where I felt untouchable because everyone knew my name and was watching my silly little "Let's Play" videos on YouTube. I had become a local legend, and maybe people had drawn attention to it to make fun of me, but with the thought of everyone knowing my name, I couldn't care less, so it empowered me the more and more they used the "household name."

To not side track this to that, I had wished that things could've been different. I felt that we could've definitely been friends if we had both made better choices. Maybe I could've gotten ahead of it all and try to figure out why the sudden change to making fun of me. Maybe I could've stopped myself from retaliating and making fun of him, which caused a vicious cycle of trying to one-up each other and unfortunately it was just fed and egged on by the others whom I had either already known or whom I had recently met at that time. Maybe middle school is just a god-awful time of life because everyone is beginning to hit puberty or maybe they feel that they are getting to be old enough to be "mature" or want to show off how "cool" they are that they can do certain things now. It seems general consensus is that most people don't like their own middle school years, so there has to be something rotten at the core of it all. Maybe it's simply human nature and that's how you either grow or you get left behind in the harsh reality of life and the world.

Whatever the case of what middle school is or isn't, I'm still left with what do I do now? I mean we're talking about this some semblance of an apology happening over 4 years ago. We're talking about a guy who I really only saw in middle school. I mean sure I knew he was at the same high school as I was, but somehow I never saw him in the halls. Or at least I can't recall ever seeing him. Maybe because there were 1,000+ students roaming the halls in between class periods, maybe it was just the way schedules were organized since it wasn't necessarily split by school grade, who knows? Whatever the case, I haven't really seen or talked to the guy much, save for those one or two instances I mentioned about in 2019, in nearly 10 years. 2023 is around the corner, I "graduated" middle school (does it count as a true graduation?) back in 2013, so when this current school year ends, it'll be 10 years since middle school.

If it were up to me, I think I'm quite content just going on with my daily life without a single thought about this guy. And he might be the same and is content going through his life without a single thought about me. I think that that's totally fine. I suppose it comes down to the whole forgiveness subject. I mean do I, and really do I, forgive this guy for how he made my life suck for a few years? I mean I don't hold any active grudges against him, but I feel that a lot of the damage I hold today can be sourced back to the daily torture from the words said and actions against me. Saying I was fat, saying that I wasn't cool because I wasn't athletic in any capability, saying x, y, and z. And while it doesn't truly hinder me (I don't think but maybe I'm good at coping) I find that even with the last 21 months of lifting weights, I still critique every fat bit of myself. I still think that I'm not cool enough to hang out with people whom I think are cool. I don't think of myself as being able to make friends that easily. I lack so much confidence when I try to talk to girls because for so many of those formative years I was told I was ugly or never able to get a girlfriend. (Side note, I feel a little bit better about my ability to talk to girls having had more practice and just accepting things are the way they are and just practicing on the girls who I happen to see now at work or wherever, just holding casual conversation and small talk.)

Maybe this is just a wake up call that maybe I need therapy. And legitimate therapy and not just the meme of weightlifting and the gym is my therapy. Although I do have to admit that going to the gym and lifting heavy weights makes me feel good and keeps me at peace. And also the compliments from other gym goers, regardless if they're mostly or all guys, is nice to hear things like "wow you're strong" or "you're looking big" and the like. Because in that context at least being big is good. Alas, maybe there are some deep-seated things that I haven't quite resolved yet which hinder my ability to be my best. Maybe it generates a prejudice or thought process that causes me to be more cynical about the way things are. Maybe it forces me to push people away when the slightest bit of adversary or challenge arises when in reality if I had been able to step back and not be in my emotions that maybe I could've seen that it was meant in the best of ways. Maybe it is what causes me to throw the shields and walls up when things are going poorly. Maybe it causes me to have a poor reaction/defense mechanism and be ready to fight and react poorly with anger and aggression.

I could probably self-analyze myself all day long, but for the sake of not writing another 10 novels for one post, I'll leave it at this: maybe I need therapy. Maybe I didn't actually forgive him back when he sort of apologized. Maybe I did, and maybe I just have to continue on forgetting him until the topic of middle school comes up again. Or maybe I should at least for a slight moment consider that possibly, just possibly, I could try to take the moral high road and at least think about reaching out and trying to be amicable.

If I'm being honest, I'll probably not think of it much, or at least I wouldn't actually consider anything. If I know myself, I know that I'll probably mull over this for awhile longer or randomly throughout my days for a week or two, then eventually back to not even remembering this guy exists. I am just slightly torn considering the whole faith thing was brought in and for someone who wears a silver cross necklace day in and day out ever since one formal event, what does it say about me if I don't be Christ-like? The cross necklace is a statement whether I know it or not. I choose every morning to put it on and have it visible. I don't hide it under my shirt, I have it on top and on display for the world to see. Whether they do or don't see it, it is there. It is making a declaration, no matter how loud or silent it is. Therefore, I suppose my actions and choice should be able to reflect the faith I claim.

To forgive and forget, or to forgive and remember, that is the question.