501st

 That number means a bit more than just a Star Wars reference to my favorite (and probably most everyone's favorite) legion of clone troopers. I mean sure, there's the 212th which is good too, and I think 41st or something? I'm not incredibly knowledgeable on the clone legions and battalions, but that's not the point of this post.

501 represents this post's number. Counting the words you're reading right now marks 501 total posts that I have made on this blog, initially "Geoff's Unfiltered Thoughts" where the URL contained "obiwanoutoften" as a reference to a joke rating of attractiveness from a friend group (that started this whole blog thing) as me being an Obi-Wan out of Ten due to Valentine's being right around when we all met and I sent those cheesy "Valentine's Cards" of Star Wars prequel memes/puns. To today where the blog has been "Into Vengeance. Into the Night. Into Batman." for about as long as I can remember once I phased out of that friend group and moved on to write a bit more sophisticated posts that had some thought and meaning behind it, as well as the URL containing "vengeancenightbatman". Actually now that I think about it, this blog may have been something else before "Geoff's Unfiltered Thoughts" but I can't quite place it right now.

To think that in the 4 years, 7 months, and 23 days that 501 posts have been written and posted is incredible. I mean that averages out to just over 9 posts a month, so it's really not all that significant or intense, but considering I don't seek to gain anything from these posts, no money, no advertisements, no fame, nothing, I have written quite a fair share. And sure I could've hit this mark a whole lot sooner if I hadn't had a couple of moments in which I don't return here for months at a time. I think the most I've blogged was in February of 2020, where that month had 69 posts (not just for the meme but it was also that year). If I'm being honest, I didn't even think I'd get this far along and would still be blogging after all these years. I mean it was started as a joke because one person had a blog, and quite frankly I don't even know how many people of that group of friends still have or use their blogs. I may be the only one.

Alas, whatever the case may be as far as their blogs are concerned, I figured I'd do a bit happier or upwards of a post. I don't write too many posts celebrating myself or looking forward, and I mean really looking forward, to the next step or the near future. It seems that even to me it's always about some girl that I'm crushing on or having relationship struggles with, or that I'm upset about something. I seldom celebrate myself.

Just for starters, I hit a long goal at the gym. Among the fitness community there is this group that is known as the "Thousand Pound Club." It's not a real or physical club, but it's just an elusive spot to reach for many, but with time and serious training and programming, I'd think most people can get there. The only "requirement" to "join" is to have a total lift of 1,000 pounds or greater, and that total is calculated by adding up your 1 rep max of your squat, bench, and deadlift (some argue it should be squat, bench, and clean, but if you could clean such heavy weight, you're in a totally different division).

I may have written here although I'm not sure, but in 2019, I had a 6 month period in which I was going pretty regularly to the gym, about 4 days a week, mostly switching between back/biceps and chest/triceps/shoulders. I skipped leg day about all the time, did a bunch of cardio, and called it a day. The only "compound" movement I did was the bench press, and even at that it wasn't a spectacular bench press either. I shied away from the squat and deadlift because I'd have heard about the risks and injuries associated with them, but never thought to ask someone to teach me. It's fine since I fell off the bandwagon eventually. When I restarted the gym going I did 3 days a week starting in February 2021, and began to incorporate the squat and deadlift. Once I did that, I had thought that maybe some day in the long, long future, I might try to join the 1,000 pound club, but even then I thought it impossible since each of the three lifts would have to be a couple hundred, if not a few hundred pounds each. I thought it to be impossible.

It wasn't.

I can now proudly say that (while using some equipment like lifting straps and a belt), I can squat 345 pounds, bench 250 pounds, and deadlift 425 pounds, which puts me at a grand total of 1,020 pounds (you see how this works for those who aren't into fitness?) And I feel good. I happen to recent start liking the way my physique is turning out, and sure I may not be the most muscular and I definitely don't have a 6 pack, but it's okay. I know that I'm pretty early into my fitness journey, sitting around 1 year and 7.5 months or so since starting all 3 compound lifts. I know that some people say that the majority of my training for the first 3 years should be focused on gaining as much muscle and strength as possible, so that's what I'm doing. Sure I'd like to shave down some fat, but I'm not going to purposely go on a cut right now because I think what I'm doing is working well for me and we'll ride it out until the close of Year 3. Even then, I may even ride it out 'til the close of Year 5, because the general consensus seems to be that most lifters who train hard and well will reach the majority of their genetic potential and have the vast majority of muscle mass their body is able to put on after 5 years of training. Then I can fine tune and cut or shred or do whatever I'd like from there.

Without getting too sidetracked on my weightlifting progress (as if I weren't already too sidetracked) why the post about 501st? Well that's because at least written in lore, the 501st Legion of clone troopers were associated with strength and loyalty. That they would become the best of what they are, with very memorable characters such as Captain Rex, Jesse, and Fives. They also became Vader's Fist when the Galactic Empire rose, but that still showcases their strength and their loyalty despite their more evil nature associated with the Empire

Where am I going with that? Well, I figured that strength and loyalty are great characteristics that I think I'd like to be able to hold for myself. Not just the physical strength, but the mental and emotional strength that I can and should build so that hopefully I can help someone else in their time of need and their time of weakness. I don't mean to try to be a white knight and go to help the damsel in distress. But I would hope that if a need arises and I see an opportunity to help, and if the help is wanted and requested then I would help. I can think of some people who invite themselves to help another even though someone simply mentioned a tough time but never asked for help. It mildly irks me, so whenever I do offer my help, I try to incorporate somewhere that I'll only help if they so choose to want me to. That way it's totally up to them, but never would I keep asking "hey do you want my help or not" or even just start helping without asking.

Loyalty is another thing that seems to be becoming sparse. Sure sometimes loyalty can backstab someone because they blindly trust and follow another. Sometimes it can be painful and tough to watch as someone sacrifices so much just to stay loyal to another. I'd like to think that with ample self-reflection and careful examination, one could find and choose when to be loyal. And it's a good quality to have. There is enough sneaky around or distrust between many because so many people are just looking for good times and quick times and not really looking to build genuine relationships and to connect with people. Maybe that's just the world we live in now, but I do like to occasionally think that I am somewhat old school, but in the right ways. I'd like to think I know or am learning how to build friendships and to be gentle and kind to another. That I'd hopefully not hurt others just because I didn't get what I wanted and that I am working in a non-aggressive way to try to befriend or earn favor of another. I don't know if I'm doing a good job on that, but I suppose time will tell.

All in all, the point of this post was to briefly celebrate my physical prowess that I never thought would happen, or at least not in this relatively short time frame (although just shy of 20 months of weightlifting is no short amount of time, and sure some people may have been able to achieve what I did in less time, this is me and this is my journey) as well as to look towards building up my strength in other areas, and to develop good senses of loyalty to those who care for me and would defend me, so I should hope to be able to care for others and defend them if the need ever arises. I'm not saying I hope to fall to a dark side like the 501st did when they became Vader's Fist, but I hope to have their sense of strength, direction, comradery, and loyalty to their friends, brothers in arms, and leaders. To eventually be a leader of my own and to build that same level of strength and loyalty with those who are above me, and those who are below me, for how strong is a chain if not for its weakest link?

Duel of the Fates

Okay, the title is dramatic but it's been on my mind. And when I say "been on my mind" I solely just mean today. So let's begin.

Normally I don't work on Sundays, however with recent changes, I was offered a supervisor role (and pay!), so I figured I could take the hours. A solid 8 hour day, and with the new role/title, I can put it on resumés and show I've had leadership positions in either job I've worked thus far (former one being a shift leader). Now I guess as far as that's concerned, who's to say that it even matters if I was a shift leader at a Jersey Mike's or a deck supervisor at a YMCA's aquatics department, but I figured if there were no other conflicts anyways, more hours is good so I can earn more money and breathe easier when car payments, insurance, gas, etc all come due.

I went in today for my first shift under the new role (technically I think it's just Sundays that I'm officially the supervisor, but it's good nonetheless) and everything went pretty well. I helped guard the pools, and I got to chat with fellow coworkers. A pretty smooth day if I say so myself. Around 1pm, there was a change of shifts and lo and behold the girl I've been crushing on/been wanting to go on a date with shows up for work. Now she's there to help check in the kids for their swim lessons, and to make sure any and all questions regarding lessons gets answered. So I suppose in a way she's in a supervisor role herself. Anyways, since she wasn't lifeguarding or teaching the lessons, she shows up in dry clothes (what I refer to for clothing not designed for submersion). A plain sweatshirt, shorts, and leaving her hair down and wearing glasses (which I didn't even know she needed corrective lenses). I assume she must've recently showered before arriving to work given that her hair was damp looking, and there was a distinctly clean scent around her which wouldn't normally be on a pool deck whose air is probably chock full of chlorinated smells from the evaporation and what not.

Why the descriptive details? Because apparently it made something within feel more attracted to her. And I'm now conflicted (queue the choice of title, "Duel of the Fates"). On the one hand, I had figured I'd given it a few shots and I know real well she's working most if not every day of the week. All I know is she has early mornings at the same workplace as me, then goes off to be a nanny, and apparently this past Friday (2 days ago) she came back to help with the swim lessons. If you just count all the hours that day that she had to be awake, it was somewhere around 14-16 hours, but for work related purposes. I'd reckon not much time for anything else that day, not even for meals or personal rest. It just baffled me to see and truly realize how busy and overworked she is. I mean yeah I know she's super busy and she even told me in a text and in person that she's overworked, but never would I have thought to this extent. I don't know her reasoning for taking on so much work, as I don't know her home life or her big goals or plans for the near or even far future (seeing as I haven't gotten a proper chance to sit down with her and get to know her better yet), but it's just wild. I don't mean any disrespect when saying that, I have nothing but the utmost respect for her for putting herself through it. I don't think I would have a similar drive to do what she does. I hope it was because she chose to and it's not out of necessity to support her family or even just herself. So from that, at least I can sit back and actually be awestruck in how much she has on her plate, yet she never complained once as far as I've heard, and that she just keeps on smiling through it all.

Anyways, on the other hand... did I even actually write what was on the "first hand" or did I sidetrack to all the description? Editor note: upon re-reading the last paragraph I did not finish my "on the one hand" point, so here we go: to wrap up the previous point, with having tried a few times to let her know when I am free or different events I tried to invite her to (a friend get together pool party before we closed up the pool for the summer, and last week I tried texting about a harvest fest happening this coming Saturday at the NJ Botanical Gardens, figured a fall activity could work just as well as coffee since you could casually walk around, paint some pumpkins, or look at the flowers) that I'd not want to text her over and over again about it. Like I probably should've thought about that considering I did talk to her in person around the beginning of this month (16 days ago if anyone is keeping track, but also how did 16 days pass by already?) To be honest, I don't even know why I texted trying to ask about the harvest fest outside of thinking "hey a fall activity could be fun" and then because these larger events have planned dates, I had to shoot it out sooner than later I suppose. But anyways, after not getting a response to that text, I was wondering if I've either bugged her one too many times, or if she just didn't get back to me as a result of all the long hours she works.

Now to the "other hand" point: after seeing her today, I almost wanted to find something to talk to her about. To just interact and try to build something, anything. But it was going to be hard to do that and I mildly feared that given that we both had working hours, I didn't want her to feel like I was entrapping her and that she had to talk to me, so I kept it simple and all I really did say to her was "hey" and "how've you been". Outside of that was just work related talk. I guess the good news is that she at least said hello back and returned the question asking how I've been. Although that's just called being polite, but then I'd think that if someone weirded you out, a total ignore could be in order as well. I'm not sure.

Anyways, to draw things away from what interactions were had today, I'm in my own head, wrestling with ideas. From a Christian standpoint, I should "give it all to God" and things along the lines of "if God meant a relationship to be with this girl, when the time is right, He'll provide a time and a place to make it work." That it's "out of my control", which I guess no need to really put that in quotations as it truly is out of my control now isn't it? Even if you took the religion out of it, what control do I have? I can control how I look, how I present myself, I can control what I do outside of any interactions to create a unique person. And I can control the words I say, but otherwise everything else is out of my control. I cannot control what others think, what others will say in response to what I say, I cannot control what others do. I suppose when you remove religion from this equation, then it really boils down to fate or something as far as relationships go.

"Fate loves the fearless" a friend once said to me on the regular. And I'd reckon that I'd've had a few moments of fearlessness when it comes to talking to this girl and trying to get a date with her. I mean on day 2 of having her phone number, somehow it occurred to me that "hey what if I just ask her out to coffee?" And I did. Maybe there was some fear as I am not sure if I'd've done that in person, but it's still on the bolder side I'd think to just go for it out of the blue, although I did have a nice and easy transition into it that flowed with the conversation we had prior.

And that's another thing too. Back in the summer, before she got super busy, and before we even planned the original date for coffee, I did the counting and with both my messages and hers, I think either the first day or even the first two days, there was like 61 messages sent. She had good sized responses, no one word responses back then (and even still very few even now), so she was responding to the conversation and continuing it as I continued to ask questions to keep it going. I'm sure that if she had wanted to end it and halt any future opening for me to ask questions, she could've done so with a shorter response or even just not respond? I mean I don't know, now it gets to the land of speculation and that leads to some overthinking which can be very dangerous since it can grab ahold of my heart and get me even more emotionally hurt or damaged if reality kicks in and it disintegrates any speculative fantasy I have created inside the mind.

All that I can say regarding fate, is that assuming one is of the world rather than of a religion, I've certainly picked up on so many times where the same name of the girl keeps popping up and I take notice. Or some detail about her, such as the school she went to, keeps showing up in say a Facebook friend suggestion. Now, I suppose you could also argue that the name and the school could've or even would've popped up anyways, but I just wouldn't have paid much mind to it, but if it's anything to do with fate, then why tease me?

The problem with being human and thinking that for the most part I am religious and believe that there is a God, there is one God, that I should just go in prayer about it rather than write this miniature volume of a blog post. That I should just find ways to pray and say "God if this is the woman you want me to be with, then in Your timing, let it be." And yeah, I guess that's not the worst thing in the world to do, but as a human who can only truly believe what I can see or process with the little knowledge I have and possess, I try to control everything. I try to play into fate, or try my luck and see if something made from the world can provide some surefire answer. Because my heart would want something to happen considering I had been able to chat her up pretty well (I'd like to think) and because she is the first girl to say yes to me asking her to coffee (or anything) in a long, long time. But I know that that isn't how this works, and I just have to truly wait and see.

To finally wrap up my long-winded marathon (I was going to write sprint, but nothing about this post is a sprint), I guess all I can do is try to talk to her in person, just casually and as a friend. And then wait. Because if she was serious about saying yes to coffee with me, then I'd have to think that whenever the time is right, whenever her schedule frees up a bit more so she feels like she has time to go socialize rather than just use free time to decompress and relax, that she will come and text me or find some other way to get my attention. Because after that talk in person I had just over two weeks ago, I think that if she doesn't know that I want to date her (or at least try) by now, then I'm not sure when she'd ever learn it. But she should know where I stand, so the ball's in her court, and probably has been for awhile. It's up to her if she'll serve it back to me and reach out and set something up, or maybe I just have to take a hint and move on. I'm out of ideas of what to do, I don't want to come off as someone who harasses another to get a date, and to be honest, I'm getting quite busy myself right now, so maybe it's best that nothing happened yet and if it is to happen, that maybe when all of this is over and settled down, maybe that is a time to try. I have just shy of almost full time working hours now, and I just started my semester, coupled with the time I like to use at the gym to keep myself in some form of physical fitness, I only really have 1 day off to zone out and not do anything, maybe. Sunday through Friday has varying degrees of length in which I have either school, work, exercise, or all three.

I just hope that if this was meant to be, then it will happen, but of course I suppose I should prepare myself to move on in the event that it was just a confidence booster from either fate or from God to show that I can still put myself out there as exactly who I am and have a shot at finding a connection.

Once You Turn They Hate Us

Between this starting image and the title pulled from Imagine Dragons' "Enemy" (written for the show Arcane) I regretfully have this post to write.

It's in a way an introspection, and it's full of regret with dashes of self-hate and feelings of frustrations.

For starters, on Wednesdays, I now do an early morning shift, but it's only a few hours of work, so it's not bad. I had figured I'd pick up the extra couple of hours since it'd be manageable, plus I'd still have effectively the rest of my Wednesday to myself anyways. So far it hasn't been too bad, just the issue of sleep quantity.

Now you'd think that with shortened or sub-par amounts of sleep, I'd take a nap, but for some reason I never could feel that same feeling of sleepiness or tiredness that I would feel whilst working for both this week and last week. I could feel it in my head that my mind needs to shut down and sleep, but the body doesn't create that sluggish feeling. And as I found out today, I can become very irritable and rage-induced when under the effects of minimal sleep.

Today made me realize that maybe I haven't grown as much as I thought I had. I suppose between not getting myself down for a nap to catch up on some rest and not communicating my tiredness, I felt that the few times I did get a chance to slow down that I was "interrupted". In a series of events that for some reason got on my nerves, I had an outburst that took me a good while to cool off and realize that it was these kinds of explosions that made me lose some friends and connections over the years.

I had thought that I managed to put all of that behind me, but I suppose I was wrong. I hadn't felt such unbridled rage since if anything 2020, but the level of action I took, throwing stuff around, kicking things over, I haven't felt that for years. And the dangerous thing is that I think it's safe to say that I am the strongest within my family since I do all of my weightlifting. So everyday environments virtually hold no boundary on me and the level of destruction has such a high potential these days if I am not careful. The only upside is that I had enough clear thought to know that I shouldn't throw or strike anything fragile, but the fact that I had such an immature destructive moment today proves that no level of clear thought excuses my behavior and perhaps I am better off alone until I can sort myself out. Could you have imagined what I could have done to someone if the anger was directed at an individual? I shudder to think about it. I would like to think that I wouldn't resort to harming another in my rage, but who's to say? A little push towards a higher sense of anger and rage, and who knows what might be safe or what might be in danger. There is no logic or common sense when frustration rises and the blood begins to boil.

I feel so defeated. I had thought that I had risen above my past immaturities. And maybe for the most part I have, but when moments like these arrive, how can you truly justify or state that something has actually changed? How do I know that it's simply that I have become less reactive but the moments that I do kick into action that things become dangerous for anyone and anything around me?

I don't really know where that level of anger stems from. I can't seem to figure why or how such an angry entity exists within me, but it has been there for years and years. It just has been dormant and I cannot recall such moments in which it has gone active. I wish there was a way to remove it from myself, but I do not know how considering I don't even know why it is here to begin with.

Overall, I just wish I weren't so quick to anger. Bible verses aside, it just isn't a good look for me. And yeah, why bother write about it and post it to the internet where it is ultimately there forever, but I hope that this will serve as a reminder if to no one else but me that I am flawed and I have some major work ahead of me before I could even dare claim to be mature.

Once I turned, I hated myself.

A Hero Can Be Anyone....

 I'm not sure if I ever put it here on the blog, but for the last 4-ish months, I've been working at the local YMCA as a lifeguard (and occasionally swim instructor). And for the most part, just as everyone likes to make comments about it, 99.99% of the time I don't do anything outside of sit in a high chair, test pool chemical levels, or walk on the pool deck out of boredom and as a way to "get exercise". But as I also tell people when they ask if I get bored doing my job, I tell them that it's usually a good day when I'm bored because then I don't have to save anyone or worry about someone's life being in danger.

Today managed to hit the 0.01% of times.

Now it wasn't bad, but I did have to jump into the water and perform a rescue. Luckily myself and the group exercise instructor caught it before anyone sunk, so it was a preventative action more than a saving action, but it was a rescue nonetheless. I'm not exactly sure to what extent I can say or write, but I'll put the gist of it down and hopefully you get the idea.

I was simply just pacing around, hanging out by the deep end of the pool because the group exercise class was in the deep water. I'm not sure if it's just for appearance's sake but I've been told that if the class is in the deep end, go over there rather than sit in the chair. No big deal, I'm over there stretching out my legs and getting some blood flow to keep me awake (the humidity because of the indoor pool does make me drowsy if I sit for too long). The end of the 1 hour class time was coming to a close and the instructor says for everyone to make their way back to the shallow end so that they can stretch before leaving.

Naturally, I figured as the lifeguard I should be the last one to leave the deep area. So I continued pacing a bit. That's when it started happening. I look and see an arm reach up and backwards, as if to try to find something or someone to hold on to. As I continue to look, I see the patron has fallen off/lost balance on the floatation device they were using and did not know how to swim (from the lack of immediate action to catch oneself from sinking). I increase the pace at which I'm walking to get closer and a better opening to get in if need be. Next thing I know it's go time. I hear the instructor simply say, "guard!" and then I'm in the water. I didn't even get a second to think nor remember the technical plan of action if I ever had to get in the water. As a result, I didn't even think to blow my whistle like I'm supposed to, nor did I have the strap of the rescue tube on, so I went in and abandoned my tube to take action.

Luckily, I managed to get the patron close enough to the pool wall so that they could grab on. I supported by holding them from the base of the neck and under the legs by the knees (patron was facing up towards the ceiling). I see my boss is there as he was checking in on a lifeguard training happening on the pool deck next door, and he begins asking questions of what happened and how can he help. Since we now knew the patron was safe, we escorted them towards the shallow end with myself the lifeguard instructor helping to guide and assist me as necessary. The patron did most of the movement, going hand over hand along the pool wall while myself and the lifeguard instructor were there for backup. Once we got them to the shallow end, we exited the pool and my boss took my rescue tube and said I can go dry off since he can guard while I'm away for a few minutes.

It all happened so fast, and I guess what better time to have a lifeguard training session. The trainees were able to see what happened, and now they probably got a better training than I did since they got to see an event happen in real time. Now granted we don't want regular events to happen, but as it is it works. As I entered the other deck to grab my towel (that I always pack in my bag), the trainees were impressed with my reaction. One says "my man!" and the other goes "wow great job!" I simply responded with "that's why we're here, right?"

Later on, word of my rescue goes around and some other supervisors come out and keep saying to me "you're a hero!" I tried my hand at humility and just said "I'm just doing my job," because that's all I did. I wasn't trying to be heroic, I know that the job may contain these instances, and it just comes down to acting and not thinking.

After all the nerves and the adrenaline had slowed down, I got to thinking: just earlier this morning, I was thinking about the one time someone had called me their hero, and how I can almost say without a shadow of a doubt that most men go through life imagining some scenario in which they perform some heroic deed and they get hailed as a hero. Either that's true, or at least for myself and many other men I've seen on social media. I suppose it boils down to a fact that men are typically valued for their accolades and achievements that being a hero is a title to add to a collection (or to start a collection).

As my supervisors and fellow lifeguards (as they come in to relieve me of duty so I can go home) learned about the event today and called me a hero, I just kept trying to say "I was just doing my job, there was no time to think, just do." And maybe I stole that reference from Top Gun: Maverick, or maybe it was somewhere else but that's the most recent media I can think of, but it's true. Some jobs or actions have no time for you to stop and think.

Some of the times that I just said I was simply doing my job, I was countered with, "you did a great job, you should own it", to which I reply, "I don't want to let it get to my head." Because think about it: if people start calling you a hero, that can easily feed the ego and become a point of developing a superiority complex. And maybe that's an extreme thing to think, but I suppose I also cling on to (I think) some part of Scripture (as if I'm really one to talk about religion, faith, and theology) that said something of "blessed are the meek." To acknowledge when I am being praised but to take it for what it is and not what the words could be is something that I wanted to instill in myself, and display to others that I'm not in it for the glory. I just am here to do a job and to do it well because no matter if lifeguarding is not my final job or my career, but I should and must do it to the best of my ability because why be lazy in a job and risk harm or error if it can be avoided. I'm also not saying to bend over backwards and sell your soul for a few dollars, but just do the job well and no one can complain.

To wrap it all up, it was also kind of "funny" or coincidental rather that this happened today. Because some days while I'm sitting up in my lifeguard chair, I think about and just start quoting to myself various movie scenes. And the one that popped into my head today (in the morning, a few hours before this happened) was the ending scene to The Dark Knight Rises, in which Batman is about to make the sacrifice and pull the nuclear bomb out of Gotham, meanwhile Gordon is saying he never cared who Batman was under the mask, leading to the quote of "a hero can be anyone even a man doing something as simply and reassuring as putting a coat around a young boy's shoulders to let him know the world hadn't ended." So I suppose a hero truly can be anyone, and in this case even a man doing something as simple as performing a rescue despite it being in his job description.

Communication Is Key

Nerves nerves nerves

It's always something that kicks into overdrive, gets the adrenaline pumping, and makes my speechcraft ability drop to about a -4 leading me to stutter, pause, or otherwise not flow smoothly.

But today, I accepted the nerves and all the downfalls or stumbling blocks that ensued because I had to get something done. What is this mystery thing that I would disregard the nerves? Talking to the girl I like.

And yeah now that I say it, you might be thinking, "hey, uh, what?" Sure I'll give it to you. But the thing about this is I wanted to get some face to face conversation to hopefully get an immediate response since sometimes texting can be unreliable or long gaps in between messages can interrupt flow. Between that and just any other disruption that might even lead to a lack of response, most times usually unintentional.

The reason for the want for talking is because back a few weeks ago when I originally had a coffee scheduled with this girl, and she texted a couple days prior that she had some time conflicts and had to reschedule, I figured I wasn't going to pester her about rescheduling in the next few days right before she leaves for a vacation. Fast forward to about last week or so when she returned, I chatted her up a very tiny bit (she traveled a little longer than I was told so that's on me a bit). Eventually I hit her with the question asking if she's still down to grab coffee, and then said for her to tell me whenever works for her.

Couple of days go by and I figured I'd try to offer up a couple of days that I knew I'd be free to see if she'd "bite" and either say yes or offer another time that works for her. And..... I didn't hear anything from that, so I was beginning to wonder if I had really pushed my luck too far and maybe I came off too strong too soon and scared her off.

Going to this past week, I happened to start taking a new shift and she works the same time, or rather I work the same time as her since she starts earlier. I chatted bits and pieces with her although not too much. It got into my head and I began to wonder if things were maybe awkward now, but maybe it just is hard to chat when it's early in the morning. I talked to a different coworker and he said I should try to talk it out with her, see where she's at and maybe I'll figure something out or at least I'll find some answers that'll help me stay at rest.

So I plotted and thought out what I would say, how I would say it, and just hoped I'd actually get her to hear me out. And then... she did. As she was getting ready to leave since she saw me come in, I just said "hey can I talk to you for a quick sec?" Once I saw she stopped walking and turned to face me, I knew I had to speak. I spoke along the lines of "just wanted to clear the air and straighten things out so to speak. I appreciate our friendship and I'd still like to try to find a time to get to know you better. From what I understand, you're pretty busy with work and school, so I totally get it if you have little free time. I also just wanted to make sure I'm not annoying you with all the text messages."

She replied saying she's just bad at replying to texts since she's not able to look at her phone at either job that she works, and she's super busy. Telling me that the little free time she does have, she likes to use at the gym and then winding down, which I told her I get it, and showed her I relate by saying I'm similar with wanting my gym time and then to space away from people and do my own thing. She also mentioned something about not wanting to be rude (I assume because she didn't want to commit to something when she couldn't or something, honestly not entirely sure, my heart was making the blood in my ears pump loudly), that and she tried to apologize for not communicating everything to me sooner. I responded by telling her she needn't apologize because she's busier than I am, so it's understandable.

That pretty much finished that up and later on in the day, after I spent the first couple hours of work mulling over the conversation, I decided that I would send her a text at some point to just thank her for hearing what I had to say and listening to me rather than just let me speak and not really respond.

She's pretty nice about it and I figure this is good. At least we both know where each other stands. Well, I think so anyways. I know that she's busy and seldom has much time to herself, so if that's what she's up to, that's fine. She's got to prioritize what she needs to get done and not worry about me. Ultimately, she doesn't owe me anything, nor I to her (nor anyone to anyone else, caveat being loans and jobs and such, but I mean emotion or time). And from what I understand, I'd imagine she knows how I feel about her. It would seem to be safe to assume she knows I like her and want to try to date her. I mean, why else would a guy text a girl a good amount, ask about coffee, and eventually just talk face to face around the similar topic? I mean sure I never said date ever, but what else does it mean that a guy "wants to get to know a girl better" anyways?

Anyways, I feel I might be getting sidetracked and this is enough of a novel as it is. My course of action from here is simple: just be her friend. We'll see if the future holds anything beyond friendship or if we just remain friends for the rest of our lives (or til whenever we naturally split off as that tends to happen, just a fact of life, some people I regularly talked to in high school, I haven't a clue where they're at now). I shan't worry about it and I feel at peace. I could move on and just be friends, since I don't think I should "hold my breath" so to speak about it, but I also want to try to give her a chance. It seems good to me that at least friendship is developing.

I'm content with how today went. Would I have wanted it where she tried to say something that we should finally re-plan that coffee sooner than later? Of course. But it's also not the worst thing today. I figured out where she was, she figured out where I was, and she didn't shut me down or cast me out. It's a mutual understanding and now I'll just occasionally text her, and whenever I see her in person, perhaps we both can chat more and just vibe together.

Letting Off The Accelerator

 I'm not entirely sure what gave me the idea or how it came to mind but I've been thinking and so far have started trying out an experiment of just not reaching out first to people whom I have called friends.

Now, I'm not doing this because I think I should be reached out to first or because I think of myself as superior in any way. I just wonder how many people are actually my friends and would text me first for once and not always have it be me who sends a text, a snap, a funny meme or TikTok, etc.

I'm partially conflicted by the idea though because I think I saw it online and it was simply saying to just try it for a few days and see who is actually your friend and who will reach out and try to talk to you, and who is only your friend because you keep reminding them you exist. I didn't explain it right as the details aren't exactly all there and I feel like that the way I have it written almost sounds like I'm being manipulative or gaslighting someone, and trust me I don't mean to do either of those things. I just want to know that someone would be willing to text me, call me, send me a meme or a TikTok that either they thought was funny or made them think of me. I'm just getting a little tired of always having to start the conversation and hope that they can carry it on.

Sometimes I feel that some of my friends only show up to some of the things or events I invite them to because I keep reminding them or asking periodically if they are going to come or show up. I mean I get it that everyone has busy lives and as I get older, the same friends I've made in high school start their own careers as many of them have finished or are finishing some level of higher education. Some friends are continuing on to grad school, and others are beginning work. Naturally one would expect for lives to become busy and that finding a common time to hang out or do activities becomes harder to schedule. And maybe that's just a reality of life that I have to face because I've been so fortunate in life to not understand the day to day of someone less fortunate than myself.

I don't want to come off as a sob story or something that requires someone else's pity or sympathy or whatever the proper term is. I just feel like I'm starting to get stretched thin from always asking to do something, from always trying to find a way to accommodate someone else's schedule, from just wanting to be seen and for someone to say "hey, wanna come hang out?" Maybe this all stems from a subconscious thing regarding the most recent crush (if you will). I mean maybe I shouldn't let it get to me that much since nothing really progressed and all it is is a bunch of text messages back and forth and some raised hopes that maybe something worked, that I can once again say I finally got the girl. Maybe I put all my eggs in one basket and now that the basket has a hole in it, all my eggs are shattered.

To build off of that nothing has really progressed even since the last mention. I mean sure it's only been a few days since that post, and the only other texts I've sent was one trying to start up small talk and then the other text was trying to be like "hey I'm free on Labor Day, or Wednesday after 9am" just to try to push it a little and see if she "bites" on either day or suggests a better time that works for her. Maybe she was busy getting ready to head to the shore for the weekend like she had mentioned she was going to do. Maybe I overplayed my hand and came off as too pushy or whatever, so maybe I ruined my own chances. I don't think I was overbearing, but how could one really understand that without fully understanding how the person on the receiving end of these messages saw it and felt. Maybe she feels put off that it's relatively so soon after her vacation that I'm starting to ask her again about the coffee. To that I say I thought it was better to wait until after her vacation to try asking rather than try to ask in those few days from the originally planned day and her departure for vacation. I'm not sure when else I could've asked. Or another possibility is maybe she read my text but potentially was already traveling down to the shore with her friends on that Friday morning that I texted, so she was busy to think about it, and I'm just getting all in mine own head because I haven't received a response.

Ultimately, whatever is going to happen with that, I cannot control it. I can only do my part to make sure that I'm not being overbearing, annoying, encroaching on her personal time or otherwise "abusing" the privilege of having a means of connection. I don't like to use the term "abusing", hence the quotation marks, but I guess since I technically did get her number through work, I don't want to blow up her phone and try to coerce or force her into something she's not comfortable with.

Just to not get super sidetracked on that particular subject, I think in all social aspects and connections, I'm just not going to message or text anyone for a few days and see what happens. At most I might maintain a snapchat streaks, since I only have two between my cousin and one high school friend and I just do the stupid thing of taking a random selfie, mark it as streaks or say something meaningless, and send it all to everyone I have a "streak" with. Outside of that, no texting about nothing, and just see if anyone cares to reach out.

To wrap it all up, by no means am I creating a "black book" and say something like "oh so-and-so never thought once to text me" or "this person actually reached out" and have some approval or denial list. I just... need some space I guess? A chance to relax and disconnect. Maybe someone will figure it out, but I just don't know how much longer I can push myself to be there for others if I'm not even sure if others would be there for me. I can name one friend right now who would be there for me, but that's only because she literally texted me the other day and said I can call her whenever and she'll listen (this friend is engaged already before anyone asks why do I not pursue her).

I don't even know if this is a good idea, but we're going to try it anyways and see if anyone notices my radio silence. Only caveat being I'll still leave comms open to family/relatives, but non-blood relations are kept quiet unless they reach out first. Man, I hate how snobby or stuck up this sounds, but I hope you (the reader) can see that I mean well and I just need to let off the accelerator as the title says. Enter a cruise control, maybe notch a few ticks slower, but obviously I must keep going forwards if I have the mental and physical energy available. I cannot let myself stagnate just because I feel a burning out on reaching out all the time. With that, I say adieu, and this blog will probably be updated in the coming few days, week, few weeks, who knows, my posting is sporadic, but honestly it'll be sooner than later if I had to guess.

Anxiety & Acceptance

 I'm not going to lie to you, I've been so back and forth in my own head lately and some moments I'm really stressing about the details about what's currently going on or around me in life, and other moments I realize I shan't worry about every little thing because all I can control or do is my best and just wait to see how the world reacts to it. Let me try to explain that.

I can only hold myself responsible and in control of whatever I can physically think, say, or do. I cannot control how someone may perceive my message, the reaction of whatever I have done, nor what may be said in response to what I did. So on the one hand, it's nice knowing that as long as I am genuine and do things with the right intention, that if something doesn't pan out as I had liked, there was nothing I really could've done differently that would've changed the outcome.

Now I say all of this because over the last couple of days, I had expected a certain friend of mine to have traveled home from her vacation. I figured I'd send a couple of texts to start up chatting again, but I also was wondering if I would be too overbearing or whatever since she just got off of vacation. And while yes, ultimately I would like to try and see if I can still get that coffee with her (call it a date if you want, I mean I guess it is, anyways) but I half wonder what my chances are of getting to that point. I mean prior to her vacation, there was an originally planned day to go to a local Starbucks and just grab some coffee before either of us had to work that day. Two days prior to the set date and she had to reschedule upon a realization she had some appointment to go to that became a conflict of timing. Figured if I were to ask her again about the coffee or even if the activity had to change, I'd wait until after her vacation so as to not pester or be too pushy.

So that's where I'm at now. I sent her a couple of texts the other day, and she eventually got back to me saying she actually was traveling on the day I had thought she'd've been home already, but that's fine. Later on in the evening, I had sent a text asking if she was still down to grab coffee, and I even suggested the timing or the activity can be changed if it better fits her schedule, and I ended it by saying for her to just let me know what works best for her. She'd get back to me and said she will let me know. Now I'm not entirely sure what the next step is. I mean I suppose I could text her in the next couple of days (probably sooner than later) and just offer up a couple of potential days that I'd be free, and then see what she says. I don't want to be overly pushy about it, but I also don't want to be a nuisance or something and over a long time keep asking about getting together with her to do something if she decides she doesn't want to pursue anything with me (which she's totally allowed to do, and then I'd just keep her as a friend and nothing more). Naturally, I'd hope that I can at least give it a shot and see if something can happen, but I can't force her to go do something with me. That's already wrong on so many levels.

Anyhow, I guess to tie it all together, I'm partially anxious about what she may say or how she might reply to any messages or texts I send to her that are looking more towards doing something with her. But I'm also trying to get myself to just be calm no matter what the outcome is because I wouldn't be able to control any of it. I can only just be myself so to speak and hope for the best.