It's always something that kicks into overdrive, gets the adrenaline pumping, and makes my speechcraft ability drop to about a -4 leading me to stutter, pause, or otherwise not flow smoothly.
But today, I accepted the nerves and all the downfalls or stumbling blocks that ensued because I had to get something done. What is this mystery thing that I would disregard the nerves? Talking to the girl I like.
And yeah now that I say it, you might be thinking, "hey, uh, what?" Sure I'll give it to you. But the thing about this is I wanted to get some face to face conversation to hopefully get an immediate response since sometimes texting can be unreliable or long gaps in between messages can interrupt flow. Between that and just any other disruption that might even lead to a lack of response, most times usually unintentional.
The reason for the want for talking is because back a few weeks ago when I originally had a coffee scheduled with this girl, and she texted a couple days prior that she had some time conflicts and had to reschedule, I figured I wasn't going to pester her about rescheduling in the next few days right before she leaves for a vacation. Fast forward to about last week or so when she returned, I chatted her up a very tiny bit (she traveled a little longer than I was told so that's on me a bit). Eventually I hit her with the question asking if she's still down to grab coffee, and then said for her to tell me whenever works for her.
Couple of days go by and I figured I'd try to offer up a couple of days that I knew I'd be free to see if she'd "bite" and either say yes or offer another time that works for her. And..... I didn't hear anything from that, so I was beginning to wonder if I had really pushed my luck too far and maybe I came off too strong too soon and scared her off.
Going to this past week, I happened to start taking a new shift and she works the same time, or rather I work the same time as her since she starts earlier. I chatted bits and pieces with her although not too much. It got into my head and I began to wonder if things were maybe awkward now, but maybe it just is hard to chat when it's early in the morning. I talked to a different coworker and he said I should try to talk it out with her, see where she's at and maybe I'll figure something out or at least I'll find some answers that'll help me stay at rest.
So I plotted and thought out what I would say, how I would say it, and just hoped I'd actually get her to hear me out. And then... she did. As she was getting ready to leave since she saw me come in, I just said "hey can I talk to you for a quick sec?" Once I saw she stopped walking and turned to face me, I knew I had to speak. I spoke along the lines of "just wanted to clear the air and straighten things out so to speak. I appreciate our friendship and I'd still like to try to find a time to get to know you better. From what I understand, you're pretty busy with work and school, so I totally get it if you have little free time. I also just wanted to make sure I'm not annoying you with all the text messages."
She replied saying she's just bad at replying to texts since she's not able to look at her phone at either job that she works, and she's super busy. Telling me that the little free time she does have, she likes to use at the gym and then winding down, which I told her I get it, and showed her I relate by saying I'm similar with wanting my gym time and then to space away from people and do my own thing. She also mentioned something about not wanting to be rude (I assume because she didn't want to commit to something when she couldn't or something, honestly not entirely sure, my heart was making the blood in my ears pump loudly), that and she tried to apologize for not communicating everything to me sooner. I responded by telling her she needn't apologize because she's busier than I am, so it's understandable.
That pretty much finished that up and later on in the day, after I spent the first couple hours of work mulling over the conversation, I decided that I would send her a text at some point to just thank her for hearing what I had to say and listening to me rather than just let me speak and not really respond.
She's pretty nice about it and I figure this is good. At least we both know where each other stands. Well, I think so anyways. I know that she's busy and seldom has much time to herself, so if that's what she's up to, that's fine. She's got to prioritize what she needs to get done and not worry about me. Ultimately, she doesn't owe me anything, nor I to her (nor anyone to anyone else, caveat being loans and jobs and such, but I mean emotion or time). And from what I understand, I'd imagine she knows how I feel about her. It would seem to be safe to assume she knows I like her and want to try to date her. I mean, why else would a guy text a girl a good amount, ask about coffee, and eventually just talk face to face around the similar topic? I mean sure I never said date ever, but what else does it mean that a guy "wants to get to know a girl better" anyways?
Anyways, I feel I might be getting sidetracked and this is enough of a novel as it is. My course of action from here is simple: just be her friend. We'll see if the future holds anything beyond friendship or if we just remain friends for the rest of our lives (or til whenever we naturally split off as that tends to happen, just a fact of life, some people I regularly talked to in high school, I haven't a clue where they're at now). I shan't worry about it and I feel at peace. I could move on and just be friends, since I don't think I should "hold my breath" so to speak about it, but I also want to try to give her a chance. It seems good to me that at least friendship is developing.
I'm content with how today went. Would I have wanted it where she tried to say something that we should finally re-plan that coffee sooner than later? Of course. But it's also not the worst thing today. I figured out where she was, she figured out where I was, and she didn't shut me down or cast me out. It's a mutual understanding and now I'll just occasionally text her, and whenever I see her in person, perhaps we both can chat more and just vibe together.
No comments:
Post a Comment