Between this starting image and the title pulled from Imagine Dragons' "Enemy" (written for the show Arcane) I regretfully have this post to write.
It's in a way an introspection, and it's full of regret with dashes of self-hate and feelings of frustrations.
For starters, on Wednesdays, I now do an early morning shift, but it's only a few hours of work, so it's not bad. I had figured I'd pick up the extra couple of hours since it'd be manageable, plus I'd still have effectively the rest of my Wednesday to myself anyways. So far it hasn't been too bad, just the issue of sleep quantity.
Now you'd think that with shortened or sub-par amounts of sleep, I'd take a nap, but for some reason I never could feel that same feeling of sleepiness or tiredness that I would feel whilst working for both this week and last week. I could feel it in my head that my mind needs to shut down and sleep, but the body doesn't create that sluggish feeling. And as I found out today, I can become very irritable and rage-induced when under the effects of minimal sleep.
Today made me realize that maybe I haven't grown as much as I thought I had. I suppose between not getting myself down for a nap to catch up on some rest and not communicating my tiredness, I felt that the few times I did get a chance to slow down that I was "interrupted". In a series of events that for some reason got on my nerves, I had an outburst that took me a good while to cool off and realize that it was these kinds of explosions that made me lose some friends and connections over the years.
I had thought that I managed to put all of that behind me, but I suppose I was wrong. I hadn't felt such unbridled rage since if anything 2020, but the level of action I took, throwing stuff around, kicking things over, I haven't felt that for years. And the dangerous thing is that I think it's safe to say that I am the strongest within my family since I do all of my weightlifting. So everyday environments virtually hold no boundary on me and the level of destruction has such a high potential these days if I am not careful. The only upside is that I had enough clear thought to know that I shouldn't throw or strike anything fragile, but the fact that I had such an immature destructive moment today proves that no level of clear thought excuses my behavior and perhaps I am better off alone until I can sort myself out. Could you have imagined what I could have done to someone if the anger was directed at an individual? I shudder to think about it. I would like to think that I wouldn't resort to harming another in my rage, but who's to say? A little push towards a higher sense of anger and rage, and who knows what might be safe or what might be in danger. There is no logic or common sense when frustration rises and the blood begins to boil.
I feel so defeated. I had thought that I had risen above my past immaturities. And maybe for the most part I have, but when moments like these arrive, how can you truly justify or state that something has actually changed? How do I know that it's simply that I have become less reactive but the moments that I do kick into action that things become dangerous for anyone and anything around me?
I don't really know where that level of anger stems from. I can't seem to figure why or how such an angry entity exists within me, but it has been there for years and years. It just has been dormant and I cannot recall such moments in which it has gone active. I wish there was a way to remove it from myself, but I do not know how considering I don't even know why it is here to begin with.
Overall, I just wish I weren't so quick to anger. Bible verses aside, it just isn't a good look for me. And yeah, why bother write about it and post it to the internet where it is ultimately there forever, but I hope that this will serve as a reminder if to no one else but me that I am flawed and I have some major work ahead of me before I could even dare claim to be mature.
Once I turned, I hated myself.
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