I'm not entirely sure what gave me the idea or how it came to mind but I've been thinking and so far have started trying out an experiment of just not reaching out first to people whom I have called friends.
Now, I'm not doing this because I think I should be reached out to first or because I think of myself as superior in any way. I just wonder how many people are actually my friends and would text me first for once and not always have it be me who sends a text, a snap, a funny meme or TikTok, etc.
I'm partially conflicted by the idea though because I think I saw it online and it was simply saying to just try it for a few days and see who is actually your friend and who will reach out and try to talk to you, and who is only your friend because you keep reminding them you exist. I didn't explain it right as the details aren't exactly all there and I feel like that the way I have it written almost sounds like I'm being manipulative or gaslighting someone, and trust me I don't mean to do either of those things. I just want to know that someone would be willing to text me, call me, send me a meme or a TikTok that either they thought was funny or made them think of me. I'm just getting a little tired of always having to start the conversation and hope that they can carry it on.
Sometimes I feel that some of my friends only show up to some of the things or events I invite them to because I keep reminding them or asking periodically if they are going to come or show up. I mean I get it that everyone has busy lives and as I get older, the same friends I've made in high school start their own careers as many of them have finished or are finishing some level of higher education. Some friends are continuing on to grad school, and others are beginning work. Naturally one would expect for lives to become busy and that finding a common time to hang out or do activities becomes harder to schedule. And maybe that's just a reality of life that I have to face because I've been so fortunate in life to not understand the day to day of someone less fortunate than myself.
I don't want to come off as a sob story or something that requires someone else's pity or sympathy or whatever the proper term is. I just feel like I'm starting to get stretched thin from always asking to do something, from always trying to find a way to accommodate someone else's schedule, from just wanting to be seen and for someone to say "hey, wanna come hang out?" Maybe this all stems from a subconscious thing regarding the most recent crush (if you will). I mean maybe I shouldn't let it get to me that much since nothing really progressed and all it is is a bunch of text messages back and forth and some raised hopes that maybe something worked, that I can once again say I finally got the girl. Maybe I put all my eggs in one basket and now that the basket has a hole in it, all my eggs are shattered.
To build off of that nothing has really progressed even since the last mention. I mean sure it's only been a few days since that post, and the only other texts I've sent was one trying to start up small talk and then the other text was trying to be like "hey I'm free on Labor Day, or Wednesday after 9am" just to try to push it a little and see if she "bites" on either day or suggests a better time that works for her. Maybe she was busy getting ready to head to the shore for the weekend like she had mentioned she was going to do. Maybe I overplayed my hand and came off as too pushy or whatever, so maybe I ruined my own chances. I don't think I was overbearing, but how could one really understand that without fully understanding how the person on the receiving end of these messages saw it and felt. Maybe she feels put off that it's relatively so soon after her vacation that I'm starting to ask her again about the coffee. To that I say I thought it was better to wait until after her vacation to try asking rather than try to ask in those few days from the originally planned day and her departure for vacation. I'm not sure when else I could've asked. Or another possibility is maybe she read my text but potentially was already traveling down to the shore with her friends on that Friday morning that I texted, so she was busy to think about it, and I'm just getting all in mine own head because I haven't received a response.
Ultimately, whatever is going to happen with that, I cannot control it. I can only do my part to make sure that I'm not being overbearing, annoying, encroaching on her personal time or otherwise "abusing" the privilege of having a means of connection. I don't like to use the term "abusing", hence the quotation marks, but I guess since I technically did get her number through work, I don't want to blow up her phone and try to coerce or force her into something she's not comfortable with.
Just to not get super sidetracked on that particular subject, I think in all social aspects and connections, I'm just not going to message or text anyone for a few days and see what happens. At most I might maintain a snapchat streaks, since I only have two between my cousin and one high school friend and I just do the stupid thing of taking a random selfie, mark it as streaks or say something meaningless, and send it all to everyone I have a "streak" with. Outside of that, no texting about nothing, and just see if anyone cares to reach out.
To wrap it all up, by no means am I creating a "black book" and say something like "oh so-and-so never thought once to text me" or "this person actually reached out" and have some approval or denial list. I just... need some space I guess? A chance to relax and disconnect. Maybe someone will figure it out, but I just don't know how much longer I can push myself to be there for others if I'm not even sure if others would be there for me. I can name one friend right now who would be there for me, but that's only because she literally texted me the other day and said I can call her whenever and she'll listen (this friend is engaged already before anyone asks why do I not pursue her).
I don't even know if this is a good idea, but we're going to try it anyways and see if anyone notices my radio silence. Only caveat being I'll still leave comms open to family/relatives, but non-blood relations are kept quiet unless they reach out first. Man, I hate how snobby or stuck up this sounds, but I hope you (the reader) can see that I mean well and I just need to let off the accelerator as the title says. Enter a cruise control, maybe notch a few ticks slower, but obviously I must keep going forwards if I have the mental and physical energy available. I cannot let myself stagnate just because I feel a burning out on reaching out all the time. With that, I say adieu, and this blog will probably be updated in the coming few days, week, few weeks, who knows, my posting is sporadic, but honestly it'll be sooner than later if I had to guess.
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