Normally I don't work on Sundays, however with recent changes, I was offered a supervisor role (and pay!), so I figured I could take the hours. A solid 8 hour day, and with the new role/title, I can put it on resumés and show I've had leadership positions in either job I've worked thus far (former one being a shift leader). Now I guess as far as that's concerned, who's to say that it even matters if I was a shift leader at a Jersey Mike's or a deck supervisor at a YMCA's aquatics department, but I figured if there were no other conflicts anyways, more hours is good so I can earn more money and breathe easier when car payments, insurance, gas, etc all come due.
I went in today for my first shift under the new role (technically I think it's just Sundays that I'm officially the supervisor, but it's good nonetheless) and everything went pretty well. I helped guard the pools, and I got to chat with fellow coworkers. A pretty smooth day if I say so myself. Around 1pm, there was a change of shifts and lo and behold the girl I've been crushing on/been wanting to go on a date with shows up for work. Now she's there to help check in the kids for their swim lessons, and to make sure any and all questions regarding lessons gets answered. So I suppose in a way she's in a supervisor role herself. Anyways, since she wasn't lifeguarding or teaching the lessons, she shows up in dry clothes (what I refer to for clothing not designed for submersion). A plain sweatshirt, shorts, and leaving her hair down and wearing glasses (which I didn't even know she needed corrective lenses). I assume she must've recently showered before arriving to work given that her hair was damp looking, and there was a distinctly clean scent around her which wouldn't normally be on a pool deck whose air is probably chock full of chlorinated smells from the evaporation and what not.
Why the descriptive details? Because apparently it made something within feel more attracted to her. And I'm now conflicted (queue the choice of title, "Duel of the Fates"). On the one hand, I had figured I'd given it a few shots and I know real well she's working most if not every day of the week. All I know is she has early mornings at the same workplace as me, then goes off to be a nanny, and apparently this past Friday (2 days ago) she came back to help with the swim lessons. If you just count all the hours that day that she had to be awake, it was somewhere around 14-16 hours, but for work related purposes. I'd reckon not much time for anything else that day, not even for meals or personal rest. It just baffled me to see and truly realize how busy and overworked she is. I mean yeah I know she's super busy and she even told me in a text and in person that she's overworked, but never would I have thought to this extent. I don't know her reasoning for taking on so much work, as I don't know her home life or her big goals or plans for the near or even far future (seeing as I haven't gotten a proper chance to sit down with her and get to know her better yet), but it's just wild. I don't mean any disrespect when saying that, I have nothing but the utmost respect for her for putting herself through it. I don't think I would have a similar drive to do what she does. I hope it was because she chose to and it's not out of necessity to support her family or even just herself. So from that, at least I can sit back and actually be awestruck in how much she has on her plate, yet she never complained once as far as I've heard, and that she just keeps on smiling through it all.
Anyways, on the other hand... did I even actually write what was on the "first hand" or did I sidetrack to all the description? Editor note: upon re-reading the last paragraph I did not finish my "on the one hand" point, so here we go: to wrap up the previous point, with having tried a few times to let her know when I am free or different events I tried to invite her to (a friend get together pool party before we closed up the pool for the summer, and last week I tried texting about a harvest fest happening this coming Saturday at the NJ Botanical Gardens, figured a fall activity could work just as well as coffee since you could casually walk around, paint some pumpkins, or look at the flowers) that I'd not want to text her over and over again about it. Like I probably should've thought about that considering I did talk to her in person around the beginning of this month (16 days ago if anyone is keeping track, but also how did 16 days pass by already?) To be honest, I don't even know why I texted trying to ask about the harvest fest outside of thinking "hey a fall activity could be fun" and then because these larger events have planned dates, I had to shoot it out sooner than later I suppose. But anyways, after not getting a response to that text, I was wondering if I've either bugged her one too many times, or if she just didn't get back to me as a result of all the long hours she works.
Now to the "other hand" point: after seeing her today, I almost wanted to find something to talk to her about. To just interact and try to build something, anything. But it was going to be hard to do that and I mildly feared that given that we both had working hours, I didn't want her to feel like I was entrapping her and that she had to talk to me, so I kept it simple and all I really did say to her was "hey" and "how've you been". Outside of that was just work related talk. I guess the good news is that she at least said hello back and returned the question asking how I've been. Although that's just called being polite, but then I'd think that if someone weirded you out, a total ignore could be in order as well. I'm not sure.
Anyways, to draw things away from what interactions were had today, I'm in my own head, wrestling with ideas. From a Christian standpoint, I should "give it all to God" and things along the lines of "if God meant a relationship to be with this girl, when the time is right, He'll provide a time and a place to make it work." That it's "out of my control", which I guess no need to really put that in quotations as it truly is out of my control now isn't it? Even if you took the religion out of it, what control do I have? I can control how I look, how I present myself, I can control what I do outside of any interactions to create a unique person. And I can control the words I say, but otherwise everything else is out of my control. I cannot control what others think, what others will say in response to what I say, I cannot control what others do. I suppose when you remove religion from this equation, then it really boils down to fate or something as far as relationships go.
"Fate loves the fearless" a friend once said to me on the regular. And I'd reckon that I'd've had a few moments of fearlessness when it comes to talking to this girl and trying to get a date with her. I mean on day 2 of having her phone number, somehow it occurred to me that "hey what if I just ask her out to coffee?" And I did. Maybe there was some fear as I am not sure if I'd've done that in person, but it's still on the bolder side I'd think to just go for it out of the blue, although I did have a nice and easy transition into it that flowed with the conversation we had prior.
And that's another thing too. Back in the summer, before she got super busy, and before we even planned the original date for coffee, I did the counting and with both my messages and hers, I think either the first day or even the first two days, there was like 61 messages sent. She had good sized responses, no one word responses back then (and even still very few even now), so she was responding to the conversation and continuing it as I continued to ask questions to keep it going. I'm sure that if she had wanted to end it and halt any future opening for me to ask questions, she could've done so with a shorter response or even just not respond? I mean I don't know, now it gets to the land of speculation and that leads to some overthinking which can be very dangerous since it can grab ahold of my heart and get me even more emotionally hurt or damaged if reality kicks in and it disintegrates any speculative fantasy I have created inside the mind.
All that I can say regarding fate, is that assuming one is of the world rather than of a religion, I've certainly picked up on so many times where the same name of the girl keeps popping up and I take notice. Or some detail about her, such as the school she went to, keeps showing up in say a Facebook friend suggestion. Now, I suppose you could also argue that the name and the school could've or even would've popped up anyways, but I just wouldn't have paid much mind to it, but if it's anything to do with fate, then why tease me?
The problem with being human and thinking that for the most part I am religious and believe that there is a God, there is one God, that I should just go in prayer about it rather than write this miniature volume of a blog post. That I should just find ways to pray and say "God if this is the woman you want me to be with, then in Your timing, let it be." And yeah, I guess that's not the worst thing in the world to do, but as a human who can only truly believe what I can see or process with the little knowledge I have and possess, I try to control everything. I try to play into fate, or try my luck and see if something made from the world can provide some surefire answer. Because my heart would want something to happen considering I had been able to chat her up pretty well (I'd like to think) and because she is the first girl to say yes to me asking her to coffee (or anything) in a long, long time. But I know that that isn't how this works, and I just have to truly wait and see.
To finally wrap up my long-winded marathon (I was going to write sprint, but nothing about this post is a sprint), I guess all I can do is try to talk to her in person, just casually and as a friend. And then wait. Because if she was serious about saying yes to coffee with me, then I'd have to think that whenever the time is right, whenever her schedule frees up a bit more so she feels like she has time to go socialize rather than just use free time to decompress and relax, that she will come and text me or find some other way to get my attention. Because after that talk in person I had just over two weeks ago, I think that if she doesn't know that I want to date her (or at least try) by now, then I'm not sure when she'd ever learn it. But she should know where I stand, so the ball's in her court, and probably has been for awhile. It's up to her if she'll serve it back to me and reach out and set something up, or maybe I just have to take a hint and move on. I'm out of ideas of what to do, I don't want to come off as someone who harasses another to get a date, and to be honest, I'm getting quite busy myself right now, so maybe it's best that nothing happened yet and if it is to happen, that maybe when all of this is over and settled down, maybe that is a time to try. I have just shy of almost full time working hours now, and I just started my semester, coupled with the time I like to use at the gym to keep myself in some form of physical fitness, I only really have 1 day off to zone out and not do anything, maybe. Sunday through Friday has varying degrees of length in which I have either school, work, exercise, or all three.
I just hope that if this was meant to be, then it will happen, but of course I suppose I should prepare myself to move on in the event that it was just a confidence booster from either fate or from God to show that I can still put myself out there as exactly who I am and have a shot at finding a connection.
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