Anxiety & Acceptance

 I'm not going to lie to you, I've been so back and forth in my own head lately and some moments I'm really stressing about the details about what's currently going on or around me in life, and other moments I realize I shan't worry about every little thing because all I can control or do is my best and just wait to see how the world reacts to it. Let me try to explain that.

I can only hold myself responsible and in control of whatever I can physically think, say, or do. I cannot control how someone may perceive my message, the reaction of whatever I have done, nor what may be said in response to what I did. So on the one hand, it's nice knowing that as long as I am genuine and do things with the right intention, that if something doesn't pan out as I had liked, there was nothing I really could've done differently that would've changed the outcome.

Now I say all of this because over the last couple of days, I had expected a certain friend of mine to have traveled home from her vacation. I figured I'd send a couple of texts to start up chatting again, but I also was wondering if I would be too overbearing or whatever since she just got off of vacation. And while yes, ultimately I would like to try and see if I can still get that coffee with her (call it a date if you want, I mean I guess it is, anyways) but I half wonder what my chances are of getting to that point. I mean prior to her vacation, there was an originally planned day to go to a local Starbucks and just grab some coffee before either of us had to work that day. Two days prior to the set date and she had to reschedule upon a realization she had some appointment to go to that became a conflict of timing. Figured if I were to ask her again about the coffee or even if the activity had to change, I'd wait until after her vacation so as to not pester or be too pushy.

So that's where I'm at now. I sent her a couple of texts the other day, and she eventually got back to me saying she actually was traveling on the day I had thought she'd've been home already, but that's fine. Later on in the evening, I had sent a text asking if she was still down to grab coffee, and I even suggested the timing or the activity can be changed if it better fits her schedule, and I ended it by saying for her to just let me know what works best for her. She'd get back to me and said she will let me know. Now I'm not entirely sure what the next step is. I mean I suppose I could text her in the next couple of days (probably sooner than later) and just offer up a couple of potential days that I'd be free, and then see what she says. I don't want to be overly pushy about it, but I also don't want to be a nuisance or something and over a long time keep asking about getting together with her to do something if she decides she doesn't want to pursue anything with me (which she's totally allowed to do, and then I'd just keep her as a friend and nothing more). Naturally, I'd hope that I can at least give it a shot and see if something can happen, but I can't force her to go do something with me. That's already wrong on so many levels.

Anyhow, I guess to tie it all together, I'm partially anxious about what she may say or how she might reply to any messages or texts I send to her that are looking more towards doing something with her. But I'm also trying to get myself to just be calm no matter what the outcome is because I wouldn't be able to control any of it. I can only just be myself so to speak and hope for the best.