Desperation

 Back again means the mind is racing and something is hurting, well, usually anyways.

Without overelaborating and running on and on again, I covered a shift today at work, a Sunday, just to grab some extra hours before I leave for vacation. And one of the people I worked with was pointed out to me to keep an eye on him, and after 3 disappearances from the deck, I opened my mouth to grill into the kid.

And while I was doing that, people were saying that they weren't sure if I was going to swing on the guy. A much baser instinct and reaction that I know isn't necessarily beyond me but I would think that I try to keep a lid on it given my heightened strength compared to years ago.

But as I discussed with a close friend, maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I've lived in my own generated delusion that I've improved. That I've grown. That I'm better than I was.

But then it was recounted that I did come storming in to chew out a different coworker who was talking ill of me. And when the facts were laid out beyond the subjective feeling of being right and handling a problem, I realize I am nothing special.

I let other people's words and actions dictate how I act and I'm still quite prone to my explosive behavior as before. And like I mentioned earlier, it's a much grander risk these days because while I'm no trained fighter, I'm sure brute strength alone could cause serious injury if I swung wildly.

And if people are telling me they think I might snap, what does that say about my character and how I've portrayed myself and the image that people associate with me when they see me? That they think I'm some grandiose and violent natured man, nay, creature who just could wreak havoc and people are unsure of what might happen if I start getting riled up.

All of this time, I had thought that over the last 4-5 years I've been building a better character for myself, becoming something beyond the need to smite people, but I do know I would jokingly talk that some people need a smiting. Is it because of the jokes I tell that people think I would resort to those actions? Is it just my somewhat larger physicality that people think I would do that? What is it about me that people see me the same way I see my past self?

Am I not a good person? Or at least not at all the man I thought I was or was becoming?

The one person I was hoping I'd be perceived as a good person to, she said that I still am but that I'm dangerous. Well she didn't outright say it as such, but she laid out the facts of my somewhat recent actions and I realize now I'm nowhere near the man I thought I was. I'm still way too impulsive, still too ready for a fight, itching for something.

Something must be deeply and inherently wrong with me.

I don't know how to fix it or fix myself. And then there comes the whole part where it felt like I was just shot through the heart when she was saying everything and just told it how it is. That my actions are easily perceived as threatening, and if I am perceived to be a threat, then what good am I?

I don't know if this is maybe just how God is trying to break me away. Cut me deep so that I walk. Harm me to my core so that I am shaken from my apathy, my desire to stay and wait and hope that someday everything turns around. Maybe in all aspects I've been so deluded in everything.

The only thing I have some semblance of a grasp on is that I should be finally wrapping up my academics in the next year or two. Two if I go for the master's, but one if I just take the bachelor's and finally go make a name for myself. I'm so close yet so far. I live in the here and now, but part of me just can't wrap my mind about where I am in life. I feel so lost.

Where do I go? What do I do? How do I become who I'm supposed to be if I can't even seem to do it right? Why do the words hurt and cut so deep? Is it because they are true? Is it because of who said them to me? Is it because I place to much value on someone else and that this is the way I must be broken to come back to God? That doesn't feel right to say but I wonder if I'm focusing too much on everything else and not the faith I claim to be a part of.

I don't know what to do. Am I supposed to pray about it? I've prayed about her twice, not an ask for making it work but to just guide me, and to remove her if there is nothing more. Maybe this is the answer to the prayer? A way to start peeling me away? Stab me through my heart that I feel that hollowness on the inside to realize I've focused on the wrong things.

Everything just doesn't feel right anymore. I don't know what comes next and sure that's not to say I've ever known what comes next, but at the same time I am really feeling that weight of everything is not as it seems.

Whatever the case is, I guess I'm just lost. I don't know who or what I am. I'm clearly not the chivalrous good man that I thought I was developing. I have only fooled myself for so long and I'm still no different than I was in my teenage years where I was so ready to snap and lash out, just now that I'm older and stronger and can become an active threat if I so wanted to. But I don't want to. I think. But my actions and the impressions people have on me when they see me get worked up say otherwise. That I am a threat. That I am nothing more than my baser feelings and instincts.

All I know is that I feel that I want to isolate. But isolation never served me well, but it's what I'm comfortable with. It's what I know.