Trust

I've had some time to think about the whole ordeal I've set myself in. I realize that one of the biggest losses I've got to deal with is I feel that even if the friendship returns, I don't know for sure if Sarah would ever trust me again. Knowing that I just may blow up again, cross the lines, react irrationally, say or do something stupid like angry post on the blog again. Who knows? But the biggest thing is I'm assuming it's never going to get to a point of being deemed trustworthy by her if I even get the friendship back.

And yeah maybe I should just let everything go. I mean sure she said we can still be friends despite me crossing the line and going overboard, but even if I do get that, is it worth it because I would feel like just a burden to her. A friendship she extends for what? A guy who couldn't get over his feelings for her despite being told no and it taking a distancing to make him realize and break him out of it, just to then find out he reacts like a child because he can't muster up the words to talk about it?

I'm not saying every friendship has to be the most trustworthy thing you ever have but I imagine that any good friendship has a level of trust that you know they will have your back in your darkest hour and be there to support and celebrate the victories and the grandeur you achieve. I at least think and would appreciate having that level of trust with the people whom I call friends and seek deeper relationships with. For the people I get to call good, great, or even best friends.

Who knows if I can live up to the standard to being a good friend even? I mean I don't trust myself anymore to be emotionally level headed and not do something rash or stupid again. I mean maybe that's the whole point of this break, or the sabbatical, or whatever it is I'm calling it. That I need to realize and sit with the facts of who I am and how I react and what I do under emotional stress. I need to learn to feel the emotions but control the reactions. I'm not saying I will try to force myself into a level of stoicism that I never feel anything good or bad. But I am saying I need to try to be more even keeled, to shrug off the negative or bad emotions. Feel them in the moment because I am human but then to just not do anything more with it and definitely not have it paint the rest of my day or night or whatever time period that risks a wild and out of pocket response or action that harms people. I of all people should know that words cut deep and that I should measure twice and not even cut once with my words. They sting, they also stick in the mind. A physical wound is bad and should never be an option, but at least that heals and eventually fades away. Well, assuming you don't leave a scar. But you get what I'm saying.

I still remember some of the harsh words said to me. I remember the moments. I remember it all. And I sometimes get pretty jammed up by them if I'm in that kind of mood. So I should know bettet than to articulate a weapon so sharp and so deadly that it carves its way through a person's mind and scars the mind because how do you deal with that? Not easily, I'll tell you that much.

So as I sit here on my plane down to Miami for my trip, not watching any TV or movies because you have to use your own device (I opted to just slap the headphones on and listen to Lindsey Stirling to set the mood for the Master of Tides cruise, which coincidentally as I write this part the song "Master of Tides" is playing) I have collected more thoughts on the matter and have realized yet another facet to this whole situation I've created for myself. I'm hoping to heal whatever it is inside of myself that leads me to being prone to hurt others. I'm hoping I find the courage to seek the help that I need so that hopefully we don't have to worry about days or times like this again. But if nothing else, I hope to really analyze all the mistakes I've made, see my flaws and my faults for what they are, and work on them in the next couple weeks or however long it is that I'm taking a break from communicating with Sarah.

I'm not sure if I'm ever worthy of the forgiveness or the mercy she has shown to say we can still be friends through this. I'm not even sure why she is letting me back if I choose to ask and try to be better. But if I am to take her up on that, I better be damn well sure that I won't do anything again that would run the risk of harming her with my words or just being immature about what she decides is necessary when I'm not getting the message for whatever reason.

So I guess here's to yet another day, working through the mess that I created and trying to sort everything out and make it better.

There's No Going Back

 What a time it has been. And it's... all my fault. Now before I get written off saying that's just self-blame or guilt-tripping the self, etc, it's quite frankly the truth. I'm the problem and whatever's going on "under the hood" has more often than not gotten me into trouble so to speak in terms of destroying friendships and it's not til after the rage passes that I realize the extent of my wrath. So maybe everyone's right about me being dangerous. Maybe it never was about the physicality or the strength, but just that I become so volatile that I destroy everything that I hold near and dear to myself and can't seem to figure out how to stop it so I don't ruin anything more.

It all ebbs and flows but unfortunately every time it ebbs in (or flows in, I don't know how that phrase gets used in its parts) it's mass destruction. Raze the lands, scorched earth, Armageddon. Whatever the term you want to put on it, I destroy everything

There must be some sick or twisted part inside my head that just thinks it all feels good and that I'm justified for feeling a certain way and taking action another way. And then I finally let the emotions cool, gather myself, maybe get a good meal or a good sleep in, and then I'm level-headed again (or at least as level-headed as I can get it would seem) and then I realize the aftermath of everything I've done.

As I think about it, it's almost like in Captain America: Civil War, when Bucky gets the trigger words said, and he just blacks out and causes wrath and damage and it's not til after he is snapped out of it that he just says "what did I do" or maybe Anakin Skywalker is a better comparison in Revenge of the Sith and he drops to his knees exclaiming "what have I done?"

Whatever the case, if I ever wonder why a friend doesn't talk to me or I lose people, I have no one to blame but myself.

Anyways, I'm not trying to write a whole novel tonight.

For whatever it's worth, I had a short back and forth with Sarah after I wrote that lengthy "Final Message" and she rightfully and justifiably called me out on my bullshit because that message was intended to just acknowledge what was and hope for what could be, but that rage-induced post that I slung out on Friday crossed many lines. I turned into the villain. I indulged in my anger, in the rage, and where did that even come from? An overthinking about why Sarah was distant? Getting into my own head about some nonsense that shouldn't have even been in my head? Whatever the case, I said words, I called her a liar, I blamed her for how I felt, and lauded over her head something that isn't mine to use as a "hey I can do this" as a response to what I was claiming to be toxicity, but it turns out that the only toxicity in the friendship was me

I've noticed that this whole last week, I've been getting into my head, the darkness has returned, and instead of seeking help or talking about it I just??? Let it be? Do nothing about it and hope that it passes? And look where it's gotten me. It's ruined a friendship, one that I claim to have valued and cared about, but if I even were to believe 50% of what I claimed, I should've just talked to Sarah. I should've just told her I was going through something and needed help. That I needed something more, but it's also similarly not her burden to carry if I'm struggling mentally and not getting professional help.

So because I'm too much of a weak person to not go seek out help and get the care or whatever I need for my brain, I lash out and say things that are extremely hurtful, then the next day I just pretend like I didn't write all of that and just write this attempt at a goodbye letter as a "I hope we can fix things"? Get out of here, Geoff, you don't get to play both sides then whine when someone calls you out on it.

I mean I guess I just accepted it when she was saying that my blog proved otherwise from what that goodbye message was saying. And I had no defense. I hopefully started to take accountability for my actions and words and hopefully understood that everything I say or do has more consequences and that I should hopefully use this as another lesson that I can't just indulge my negative emotions however I feel without consideration for any affected parties and the way it could play out. Or at least if I don't consider the consequences, then I have no right to be upset or say I miss the way things were, because I've made my bed and now I must lie in it.

All in all, to try to wrap things up, I think I never realized how nice it was to be able to just go text Sarah about anything and everything. About my weigh-ins for my progress on my weight loss or "cut" if you will. To tell her about the things I do in the day. To send her pictures of me and the fam, especially like today when it's Mother's Day and I got some nice pictures with my mom. Or even less serious stuff like sending her unhinged but funny memes, reels, or TikToks because we both understand each other's humor and we'd get a good kick out of it.

I didn't know what it would be that I would lose, until it's now all gone and I have no real way of getting it back. And even if I can get it back, it would never be the same because my darkest hour on Friday stains the potential for anything that this friendship could have been. It'd be so easy to say that it's just because it's Day 1 and it's no different than trying to break the habit of contacting Sarah on the daily about anything and everything, but I think deep down I miss her as my friend. I understand that there's definitely no future beyond friends, but even still I miss her.

But I did this to myself.

I have many problems that need addressing.

I need help.

As a final note for this entry, I'll be away for awhile, and not sure if I'd really post much on the blog, maybe if I feel the need to, write it in my notes on my phone and if I think it's something I want on here (I mean what do I even filter on here) then whenever I get the chance to, I'll copy and paste it to post.

"Those mob fools want you gone so they can go back to the way things were. But I know the truth: there's no going back, you've changed things... forever" -Joker, The Dark Knight (2008)

The Final Message

 I think I've gotten my confirmation that she's purposefully distancing herself and I get that maybe yesterday's post was very emotionally charged. I would normally ask if you can blame me but yes you actually can.

Long story short, last night while trying to wind down for bed after way too much coffee/caffeine to blast through a 12.5 hour shift and then run airport pickup, I stumbled upon a TikTok that was talking about something called the "Pull Back" Method where someone who knows you like them starts distancing themselves because they feel they have no other option. Or something like that. I'll link the TikTok here. Whatever the case is, I seemingly have not let the jokes or the memes or reels allude to the fact that I'm squashing my feelings for Sarah and she feels that maybe she just needs to break everything away but is fearful for my reaction if she just outright says something to me because I've been recently perceived as dangerous or that I'd be violent. I get that my recent confrontations don't really help with that perception and the fact that I'm a 225 lb powerlifter helps either, but I guess I need to learn to better portray myself so that people can feel at peace when they talk to me if they have to bring up a hard topic and not fear what some random hypothetical may say would be my reaction.

Whatever the case is, she's gone distant on me and while I've not reacted with physicality or violence, I've reacted poorly as it seems and I'm maybe no better than what people assume the worst of me is. Through this, I've felt the gap in my heart rip right open and I was left standing there realizing the reality of everything. I felt the world come caving in and everyone knew why. Maybe I'm not so heroic as I had once thought I might be or have been able to be.

Anyways

There was also a 1 hour in-service training at work today, and I went figuring I had nothing else to do and to grab another hour of pay before leaving for vacation. I had thought maybe I'd try to talk to Sarah to let her know I understand if she needs to be distant given that I had reposted that "Pull Back Method" TikTok and I saw a notification that she liked the reposted video. I never got the chance to talk to her and I am half wondering if she asked someone to keep an eye on me as we walked out of the workplace and if what I'm assuming was what it was, I question myself for creating this thought that someone needed to be a witness.

So I just went home.

Then I decided I'd send a final message to her. If she reads it, great. If not, that's not my problem and it shouldn't be my concern. The message is as follows:

Sarah, 

I wanted to take some time to write to you in hopes of reaching a mutual agreement. So I'll lay it all out on the table. I now recognize that I haven't been making good faith efforts to quell my feelings for you and maybe when I first brought up the idea of taking a break I should've just taken a break. It wasn't fair to you to say all of that and still send the memes or the reels or the TikToks that alluded to some level of flirtatious behavior, or honestly worse than that for some of those memes. I apologize if anything ever made you uncomfortable and I'm sorry if I made you ever feel like you couldn't tell me to back down or back off in fear of what I might do. I know that people view me as violent and I understand with the way I've blown up against Harrison and Krish that it just doesn't help the image. I know I can and have said that I wouldn't ever use my strength or size to intimidate, and yet there we are, using some show of force to intimidate. So it makes it hard to believe the words I say when comparing to the things I've done. I'd love to say that I am better than my actions, that there is more to me and that I'm not a menace as it would seem. But I understand if that is hard or even impossible to believe. 

Anyways, last night while I was up late, possibly overthinking, but I reposted a TikTok about the "Pull Back" method and I assume you saw it since I got a notification that you liked the repost. If that is what is happening here, I understand. I am sorry I brought us to the point where you have to distance yourself and make yourself scarce so that I can finally understand to cool it. I respect your decision, for your choices and decisions are not mine to make, and I want you to be comfortable if or when you're in my presence be it at work or any social gathering that we may or may not do. 

Before I go, I just wanted to express my gratitude for your friendship. For the fun we've had making jokes and just shooting the breeze. I truly and genuinely value all that we have had and I hope that maybe one day I can show you that I have grown and that I am a better man. To one day have this friendship rekindled and I understand if that is all we will ever have. I'm going away for a couple weeks as it is anyways, so I will also take that time to give you space. If you want, we can maintain the snapchat streak, or if you prefer to not, then we can let it fade. I will stop sending you TikToks and reels, and just let you have some space away from me. I am not saying that when I return that we must rekindle the friendship, if you need more time or if you decide that we aren't to be friends anymore, I will understand. 

With all that said and done, I just want to once again apologize if I've made you uncomfortable with what I thought were jokes with no regard for how you might be receiving them. I wish I had been better to understand the weight of my words and how my actions dictate my character, but I seem to have far misunderstood the impression I give off to others. I hope that this isn't goodbye for good, but if it is I wish you well and I hope you succeed at everything in life. Be the world's best pediatrician that this planet has ever seen, I know you'll do excellently. 

Yours Truly, 

Geoff

So I half hope that the message reaches her and that maybe we can have the friendship back because it was a good friendship while it lasted and I'd hate to have lost it all because I couldn't calm myself down from the feelings. I feel the deep cut hurt because I put myself in this position but I cannot blame her because I forced her hand ultimately be not understanding the weight of my words, actions, memes, reels, etc. What I had perceived as jokes may not have been jokes to her and she may have just felt that she had to just laugh it off in fear of a poor reaction from me. And I've done nothing to prove that my reaction would be mild or peaceful.

Wherever this goes, if this is the end of everything with Sarah, then I must accept my defeat here and know that I caused this. I hope that with enough time away, that maybe we can be friends again, but if not then I'll just have to shrug it off and cherish the good I've had with it, and learn from the many mistakes I've made through it to hopefully be a better man for whomever else comes into my life.

Limbo

Is it a sign of deterioration that I'm coming back more and more to the blog? Or is it a sign that I am at least doing something that I know has usually helped in the past whenever I have thoughts on the mind and I need to somehow express it because I know not another way? I mean looking at the blog, I last posted in April of last year, and within the span of the last couple weeks this is now what? The third entry? Not that there's a post limit that I'm allowed to do since this site doesn't seem to limit me, at least not now or not yet anyways, but the fact that I'm here again means that the mind isn't..... right.

Once life slows down for just a moment and it gives me more time to think about the things that are going on around me and some things are just a time game of waiting for something to happen or just for time to pass in general, I'm left with my thoughts and how I've got to just make do with the thoughts that come and go. I mean I can fill the time with other activities, like I could go mindlessly and endlessly on TikTok if I really wanted to, but in reality even I feel a certain temporary burnout (sometimes after an hour or so so who knows if that's really a good thing but it at least fills the time and I need not worry about my own thoughts for an hour). However sometimes even the TikTok scrolling isn't helpful because once in awhile I'll get stuck in an algorithm loop of being deep in the feels and just having to face everything that feels relatable or dare I say sometimes mildly depressing in the sense that some of them are so relatable and it's generally about feeling alone or a lack of relationship.

Yesterday and today I effectively skipped the gym. Well, yesterday I was technically there for all of 2 warm up sets and 1 working set of back squats before calling it quits because on Tuesday, May 6th, 2025, I pushed my body's limits and walked 64,262 steps or roughly 32.7 miles in 14 hours and 36 minutes all because Sarah mentioned in the previous week that she got challenged to do 30 miles in a single day, and when I happened to have walked a good amount during my short 9am to 12pm shift that she said I should give the challenge a try. And try I did. I succeeded in matching the 64,000 or so step count that she did, and I like to mildly boast that I did it in less time than when she went at it. Anyways, long story short, I did way more walking than I probably should've in 1 day that it has impeded my body's physical prowess and energy and has just called for a little more rest than I had anticipated so I didn't lift. And I wonder if by not having that couple hours of lifting and mild cardio with walking on the treadmill if that is impacting my mental health.

I mean with that time I didn't spend in the gym, I'm at home and just.... alone with my thoughts because it sets me at home way earlier than normal and as a result no one else is home to talk to. I can only defer the quiet time with my thoughts for so long. Either by being on my phone or just finally doing light piano practice on the very out of tune baby grand and just rinsing whatever songs I do know from memory because I haven't dug out all the many music books we have. And then.... well I don't know what then because then I have time to think.

I guess for some benefit for what it's worth, I've at least prayed twice more since the last entry. And I'm not saying that to try to flex some kind of holier than thou attitude, but just more of making note that in the last month or so I've actually gotten myself to stop and pray a total of 4 times now. And I guess for someone who claims to be of the faith, I should be praying more and more often, but I guess it's progress, right? 

Whatever the case may be, I just feel that I'm a little stuck. Maybe this is just a season of waiting, but I'm so used to everything going guns blazing that I hadn't had a time to slow down most days and now that I have time to slow down I feel like I'm missing something. That something isn't right that I'm supposed to be doing something but alas here I am just sitting with my thoughts and putting the pen to paper (metaphorically).

In regards to the praying, I even started asking people how I should be praying about things and how can I teach myself to go seek out the answers from God. I mean there has to be some way that I can hear His voice, right? That's part of it, at least I would assume? That's what people say, that they hear God calling them to do certain things or that He's guided them on different occasions or decisions. And maybe it's just because I don't read my Bible or I just don't really sit and just listen and I'm too busy talking talking talking that I don't hear the soft whisper that is telling me the answers I am seeking.

Each of the prayers have usually started with some moments for gratitude and thankfulness for the life that I've lived and am currently living for I know I am super blessed and spoiled to be able to live this kind of life at 25 where others are just going to work and having to balance every aspect of life on their own, either younger or older than I. And then after my period of trying to express some level of gratitude for the things and circumstances in my life, I switch over to the asking phase. Admittedly, I am praying about Sarah. Not so much in the capacity of saying stuff like "hey God, can you make Sarah my girlfriend" but just more of the concept or overall idea of everything. That if there's a chance or if it's in God's will for me to date her, that I would just be patient and wait. Wait for the time when God says so for me to date her. But similarly I balance it with the notion that if she's not meant to date me ever and there is nothing more beyond "best friendship" between us, then I've been asking God to remove the feelings I have for her because it just creates a difference in wants. She would be wanting a friend and I'd be wanting a girlfriend and it just blurs a lot of lines and makes things trickier I assume.

Finally, during last night's late night prayer because I had entered one of those scrolling on TikTok moments where every post was deep in the feels and the emotions and I realized I kept feeling heavier and heavier emotionally with each swipe of my thumb, I finally put my phone down and decided I would try to pray before the tiredness caught up to me and put me to sleep. More or less a similar prayer structure, except I do recall I hardly gave time to express my gratitude and thankfulness. But I did add something else. I added a generic and rather vague aspect praying about "my future wife" and not that I was naming or thinking of anyone in particular, but just that whomever she may be that I began to pray that God is preparing her. Molding her, shaping her, making her the way He would want her to be for me. But then I turned it on myself and said that more importantly I'm hoping that God shapes and molds me any way He needs me to be because I know that while it would be great to be praying for a godly wife, that I myself need to become more godly if I am to find and match that godly woman. Godly in the sense of trusting and believing in God, not in the sense of I would worship this woman and she worship me.

I know that I am a very flawed individual. That I will never be perfect, and if anything I'm far from it. That you could nitpick my flaws to many extents and that I wouldn't be able to create or say enough counterpoints to really justify anything that I say or do. I don't really know what it would take to shape me to be a better person, a better man, but I want to try to start striving to be better. To learn from the mistakes I've made of "yesterday" and just make myself into a person I would be proud of if no one else is proud of me. And not to be so stoic or lone wolf thinking that people aren't proud of me, but just more of the fact that I want to be proud of who I become through whatever trials and tribulations I must face to get there. That if there is a wife out there for me, no matter who it is, that I am ready for her and can be everything she needs in a romantic partner. But I can only do that if I work on myself.

So where does that leave me?

I know not where I am going or what I have to do or how long I have to wait, but all I do know is that this is starting to feel like a season of waiting yet again. But one that I have no choice but to intentionally sit in and just keep working on myself. I don't know how I'm going to do that, but I think one of the steps is to start praying more regularly. The other is to maybe even start reading my Bible on my own accord to see if I can't hear God's voice as He wants to speak to me, I'm sure that there is some way He can and will and wants to speak to me but I've turned a deaf ear to Him for so long. I don't really know where this divine inspiration comes from, but I think it's for the best. To try to break some old habits, or even break the old me and form me into something beautiful for the future. I don't know what comes in the future, but I know that God is already there and knows every step that I will take and every thought that I will think and every move that I will make.

So while I may have titled this entry "Limbo" (I titled it before I started writing) I'm beginning to think that maybe limbo is exactly where I need to be. To be patient. To just not be so expectant or hoping that everything happens so quickly. To take a breather. I've gone on and so hard for so long that maybe I should cherish and relish in the slower moments of life before life gets going again. I've a long day at work tomorrow just to pick up hours before a vacation and so tomorrow will certainly be a day. But beyond that I just have the weekend, have to find time to mow the lawns again, and then a final exam on Monday morning, then I'll be off for roughly 2 weeks of fun filled time aboard the Master of Tides cruise then going to Orlando for a week of Disney and Universal. It will be a very blessed and fun time, but also a very busy time, so while I may not necessarily be a fan of sitting at home for long hours and not exercising or finding something to do or even having to deal with my own brain and my own thoughts, maybe this is the quiet before I get going and I should figure out the best way to maximize this time. Pray more, trust more, and just go about my life and hope that I can figure out and follow the plan set out for me that God created long before I was even a thought in my parents' heads.

I don't think I'm purposefully sending the link to this post to anyone, so if anyone reads this, thanks for reading it out and watching me as I work through today's thoughts and ultimately feel pretty good about it. Sarah, if you're reading this because you saved the link from the post I wrote about being your best friend, I think titled "The Heart", I hope that all this talk of trying to see if God has a plan for you and I, but I'm still just working through the thoughts and the feelings that I do like you and want to date you. I would like to think I've got a good enough grasp on it that we can be chill. I'm looking forward to whatever plans we make to hangout. But, um, I guess thanks for also reading this if you happened to stumble on this.

Desperation

 Back again means the mind is racing and something is hurting, well, usually anyways.

Without overelaborating and running on and on again, I covered a shift today at work, a Sunday, just to grab some extra hours before I leave for vacation. And one of the people I worked with was pointed out to me to keep an eye on him, and after 3 disappearances from the deck, I opened my mouth to grill into the kid.

And while I was doing that, people were saying that they weren't sure if I was going to swing on the guy. A much baser instinct and reaction that I know isn't necessarily beyond me but I would think that I try to keep a lid on it given my heightened strength compared to years ago.

But as I discussed with a close friend, maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I've lived in my own generated delusion that I've improved. That I've grown. That I'm better than I was.

But then it was recounted that I did come storming in to chew out a different coworker who was talking ill of me. And when the facts were laid out beyond the subjective feeling of being right and handling a problem, I realize I am nothing special.

I let other people's words and actions dictate how I act and I'm still quite prone to my explosive behavior as before. And like I mentioned earlier, it's a much grander risk these days because while I'm no trained fighter, I'm sure brute strength alone could cause serious injury if I swung wildly.

And if people are telling me they think I might snap, what does that say about my character and how I've portrayed myself and the image that people associate with me when they see me? That they think I'm some grandiose and violent natured man, nay, creature who just could wreak havoc and people are unsure of what might happen if I start getting riled up.

All of this time, I had thought that over the last 4-5 years I've been building a better character for myself, becoming something beyond the need to smite people, but I do know I would jokingly talk that some people need a smiting. Is it because of the jokes I tell that people think I would resort to those actions? Is it just my somewhat larger physicality that people think I would do that? What is it about me that people see me the same way I see my past self?

Am I not a good person? Or at least not at all the man I thought I was or was becoming?

The one person I was hoping I'd be perceived as a good person to, she said that I still am but that I'm dangerous. Well she didn't outright say it as such, but she laid out the facts of my somewhat recent actions and I realize now I'm nowhere near the man I thought I was. I'm still way too impulsive, still too ready for a fight, itching for something.

Something must be deeply and inherently wrong with me.

I don't know how to fix it or fix myself. And then there comes the whole part where it felt like I was just shot through the heart when she was saying everything and just told it how it is. That my actions are easily perceived as threatening, and if I am perceived to be a threat, then what good am I?

I don't know if this is maybe just how God is trying to break me away. Cut me deep so that I walk. Harm me to my core so that I am shaken from my apathy, my desire to stay and wait and hope that someday everything turns around. Maybe in all aspects I've been so deluded in everything.

The only thing I have some semblance of a grasp on is that I should be finally wrapping up my academics in the next year or two. Two if I go for the master's, but one if I just take the bachelor's and finally go make a name for myself. I'm so close yet so far. I live in the here and now, but part of me just can't wrap my mind about where I am in life. I feel so lost.

Where do I go? What do I do? How do I become who I'm supposed to be if I can't even seem to do it right? Why do the words hurt and cut so deep? Is it because they are true? Is it because of who said them to me? Is it because I place to much value on someone else and that this is the way I must be broken to come back to God? That doesn't feel right to say but I wonder if I'm focusing too much on everything else and not the faith I claim to be a part of.

I don't know what to do. Am I supposed to pray about it? I've prayed about her twice, not an ask for making it work but to just guide me, and to remove her if there is nothing more. Maybe this is the answer to the prayer? A way to start peeling me away? Stab me through my heart that I feel that hollowness on the inside to realize I've focused on the wrong things.

Everything just doesn't feel right anymore. I don't know what comes next and sure that's not to say I've ever known what comes next, but at the same time I am really feeling that weight of everything is not as it seems.

Whatever the case is, I guess I'm just lost. I don't know who or what I am. I'm clearly not the chivalrous good man that I thought I was developing. I have only fooled myself for so long and I'm still no different than I was in my teenage years where I was so ready to snap and lash out, just now that I'm older and stronger and can become an active threat if I so wanted to. But I don't want to. I think. But my actions and the impressions people have on me when they see me get worked up say otherwise. That I am a threat. That I am nothing more than my baser feelings and instincts.

All I know is that I feel that I want to isolate. But isolation never served me well, but it's what I'm comfortable with. It's what I know.