There's No Going Back

 What a time it has been. And it's... all my fault. Now before I get written off saying that's just self-blame or guilt-tripping the self, etc, it's quite frankly the truth. I'm the problem and whatever's going on "under the hood" has more often than not gotten me into trouble so to speak in terms of destroying friendships and it's not til after the rage passes that I realize the extent of my wrath. So maybe everyone's right about me being dangerous. Maybe it never was about the physicality or the strength, but just that I become so volatile that I destroy everything that I hold near and dear to myself and can't seem to figure out how to stop it so I don't ruin anything more.

It all ebbs and flows but unfortunately every time it ebbs in (or flows in, I don't know how that phrase gets used in its parts) it's mass destruction. Raze the lands, scorched earth, Armageddon. Whatever the term you want to put on it, I destroy everything

There must be some sick or twisted part inside my head that just thinks it all feels good and that I'm justified for feeling a certain way and taking action another way. And then I finally let the emotions cool, gather myself, maybe get a good meal or a good sleep in, and then I'm level-headed again (or at least as level-headed as I can get it would seem) and then I realize the aftermath of everything I've done.

As I think about it, it's almost like in Captain America: Civil War, when Bucky gets the trigger words said, and he just blacks out and causes wrath and damage and it's not til after he is snapped out of it that he just says "what did I do" or maybe Anakin Skywalker is a better comparison in Revenge of the Sith and he drops to his knees exclaiming "what have I done?"

Whatever the case, if I ever wonder why a friend doesn't talk to me or I lose people, I have no one to blame but myself.

Anyways, I'm not trying to write a whole novel tonight.

For whatever it's worth, I had a short back and forth with Sarah after I wrote that lengthy "Final Message" and she rightfully and justifiably called me out on my bullshit because that message was intended to just acknowledge what was and hope for what could be, but that rage-induced post that I slung out on Friday crossed many lines. I turned into the villain. I indulged in my anger, in the rage, and where did that even come from? An overthinking about why Sarah was distant? Getting into my own head about some nonsense that shouldn't have even been in my head? Whatever the case, I said words, I called her a liar, I blamed her for how I felt, and lauded over her head something that isn't mine to use as a "hey I can do this" as a response to what I was claiming to be toxicity, but it turns out that the only toxicity in the friendship was me

I've noticed that this whole last week, I've been getting into my head, the darkness has returned, and instead of seeking help or talking about it I just??? Let it be? Do nothing about it and hope that it passes? And look where it's gotten me. It's ruined a friendship, one that I claim to have valued and cared about, but if I even were to believe 50% of what I claimed, I should've just talked to Sarah. I should've just told her I was going through something and needed help. That I needed something more, but it's also similarly not her burden to carry if I'm struggling mentally and not getting professional help.

So because I'm too much of a weak person to not go seek out help and get the care or whatever I need for my brain, I lash out and say things that are extremely hurtful, then the next day I just pretend like I didn't write all of that and just write this attempt at a goodbye letter as a "I hope we can fix things"? Get out of here, Geoff, you don't get to play both sides then whine when someone calls you out on it.

I mean I guess I just accepted it when she was saying that my blog proved otherwise from what that goodbye message was saying. And I had no defense. I hopefully started to take accountability for my actions and words and hopefully understood that everything I say or do has more consequences and that I should hopefully use this as another lesson that I can't just indulge my negative emotions however I feel without consideration for any affected parties and the way it could play out. Or at least if I don't consider the consequences, then I have no right to be upset or say I miss the way things were, because I've made my bed and now I must lie in it.

All in all, to try to wrap things up, I think I never realized how nice it was to be able to just go text Sarah about anything and everything. About my weigh-ins for my progress on my weight loss or "cut" if you will. To tell her about the things I do in the day. To send her pictures of me and the fam, especially like today when it's Mother's Day and I got some nice pictures with my mom. Or even less serious stuff like sending her unhinged but funny memes, reels, or TikToks because we both understand each other's humor and we'd get a good kick out of it.

I didn't know what it would be that I would lose, until it's now all gone and I have no real way of getting it back. And even if I can get it back, it would never be the same because my darkest hour on Friday stains the potential for anything that this friendship could have been. It'd be so easy to say that it's just because it's Day 1 and it's no different than trying to break the habit of contacting Sarah on the daily about anything and everything, but I think deep down I miss her as my friend. I understand that there's definitely no future beyond friends, but even still I miss her.

But I did this to myself.

I have many problems that need addressing.

I need help.

As a final note for this entry, I'll be away for awhile, and not sure if I'd really post much on the blog, maybe if I feel the need to, write it in my notes on my phone and if I think it's something I want on here (I mean what do I even filter on here) then whenever I get the chance to, I'll copy and paste it to post.

"Those mob fools want you gone so they can go back to the way things were. But I know the truth: there's no going back, you've changed things... forever" -Joker, The Dark Knight (2008)