Limbo

Is it a sign of deterioration that I'm coming back more and more to the blog? Or is it a sign that I am at least doing something that I know has usually helped in the past whenever I have thoughts on the mind and I need to somehow express it because I know not another way? I mean looking at the blog, I last posted in April of last year, and within the span of the last couple weeks this is now what? The third entry? Not that there's a post limit that I'm allowed to do since this site doesn't seem to limit me, at least not now or not yet anyways, but the fact that I'm here again means that the mind isn't..... right.

Once life slows down for just a moment and it gives me more time to think about the things that are going on around me and some things are just a time game of waiting for something to happen or just for time to pass in general, I'm left with my thoughts and how I've got to just make do with the thoughts that come and go. I mean I can fill the time with other activities, like I could go mindlessly and endlessly on TikTok if I really wanted to, but in reality even I feel a certain temporary burnout (sometimes after an hour or so so who knows if that's really a good thing but it at least fills the time and I need not worry about my own thoughts for an hour). However sometimes even the TikTok scrolling isn't helpful because once in awhile I'll get stuck in an algorithm loop of being deep in the feels and just having to face everything that feels relatable or dare I say sometimes mildly depressing in the sense that some of them are so relatable and it's generally about feeling alone or a lack of relationship.

Yesterday and today I effectively skipped the gym. Well, yesterday I was technically there for all of 2 warm up sets and 1 working set of back squats before calling it quits because on Tuesday, May 6th, 2025, I pushed my body's limits and walked 64,262 steps or roughly 32.7 miles in 14 hours and 36 minutes all because Sarah mentioned in the previous week that she got challenged to do 30 miles in a single day, and when I happened to have walked a good amount during my short 9am to 12pm shift that she said I should give the challenge a try. And try I did. I succeeded in matching the 64,000 or so step count that she did, and I like to mildly boast that I did it in less time than when she went at it. Anyways, long story short, I did way more walking than I probably should've in 1 day that it has impeded my body's physical prowess and energy and has just called for a little more rest than I had anticipated so I didn't lift. And I wonder if by not having that couple hours of lifting and mild cardio with walking on the treadmill if that is impacting my mental health.

I mean with that time I didn't spend in the gym, I'm at home and just.... alone with my thoughts because it sets me at home way earlier than normal and as a result no one else is home to talk to. I can only defer the quiet time with my thoughts for so long. Either by being on my phone or just finally doing light piano practice on the very out of tune baby grand and just rinsing whatever songs I do know from memory because I haven't dug out all the many music books we have. And then.... well I don't know what then because then I have time to think.

I guess for some benefit for what it's worth, I've at least prayed twice more since the last entry. And I'm not saying that to try to flex some kind of holier than thou attitude, but just more of making note that in the last month or so I've actually gotten myself to stop and pray a total of 4 times now. And I guess for someone who claims to be of the faith, I should be praying more and more often, but I guess it's progress, right? 

Whatever the case may be, I just feel that I'm a little stuck. Maybe this is just a season of waiting, but I'm so used to everything going guns blazing that I hadn't had a time to slow down most days and now that I have time to slow down I feel like I'm missing something. That something isn't right that I'm supposed to be doing something but alas here I am just sitting with my thoughts and putting the pen to paper (metaphorically).

In regards to the praying, I even started asking people how I should be praying about things and how can I teach myself to go seek out the answers from God. I mean there has to be some way that I can hear His voice, right? That's part of it, at least I would assume? That's what people say, that they hear God calling them to do certain things or that He's guided them on different occasions or decisions. And maybe it's just because I don't read my Bible or I just don't really sit and just listen and I'm too busy talking talking talking that I don't hear the soft whisper that is telling me the answers I am seeking.

Each of the prayers have usually started with some moments for gratitude and thankfulness for the life that I've lived and am currently living for I know I am super blessed and spoiled to be able to live this kind of life at 25 where others are just going to work and having to balance every aspect of life on their own, either younger or older than I. And then after my period of trying to express some level of gratitude for the things and circumstances in my life, I switch over to the asking phase. Admittedly, I am praying about Sarah. Not so much in the capacity of saying stuff like "hey God, can you make Sarah my girlfriend" but just more of the concept or overall idea of everything. That if there's a chance or if it's in God's will for me to date her, that I would just be patient and wait. Wait for the time when God says so for me to date her. But similarly I balance it with the notion that if she's not meant to date me ever and there is nothing more beyond "best friendship" between us, then I've been asking God to remove the feelings I have for her because it just creates a difference in wants. She would be wanting a friend and I'd be wanting a girlfriend and it just blurs a lot of lines and makes things trickier I assume.

Finally, during last night's late night prayer because I had entered one of those scrolling on TikTok moments where every post was deep in the feels and the emotions and I realized I kept feeling heavier and heavier emotionally with each swipe of my thumb, I finally put my phone down and decided I would try to pray before the tiredness caught up to me and put me to sleep. More or less a similar prayer structure, except I do recall I hardly gave time to express my gratitude and thankfulness. But I did add something else. I added a generic and rather vague aspect praying about "my future wife" and not that I was naming or thinking of anyone in particular, but just that whomever she may be that I began to pray that God is preparing her. Molding her, shaping her, making her the way He would want her to be for me. But then I turned it on myself and said that more importantly I'm hoping that God shapes and molds me any way He needs me to be because I know that while it would be great to be praying for a godly wife, that I myself need to become more godly if I am to find and match that godly woman. Godly in the sense of trusting and believing in God, not in the sense of I would worship this woman and she worship me.

I know that I am a very flawed individual. That I will never be perfect, and if anything I'm far from it. That you could nitpick my flaws to many extents and that I wouldn't be able to create or say enough counterpoints to really justify anything that I say or do. I don't really know what it would take to shape me to be a better person, a better man, but I want to try to start striving to be better. To learn from the mistakes I've made of "yesterday" and just make myself into a person I would be proud of if no one else is proud of me. And not to be so stoic or lone wolf thinking that people aren't proud of me, but just more of the fact that I want to be proud of who I become through whatever trials and tribulations I must face to get there. That if there is a wife out there for me, no matter who it is, that I am ready for her and can be everything she needs in a romantic partner. But I can only do that if I work on myself.

So where does that leave me?

I know not where I am going or what I have to do or how long I have to wait, but all I do know is that this is starting to feel like a season of waiting yet again. But one that I have no choice but to intentionally sit in and just keep working on myself. I don't know how I'm going to do that, but I think one of the steps is to start praying more regularly. The other is to maybe even start reading my Bible on my own accord to see if I can't hear God's voice as He wants to speak to me, I'm sure that there is some way He can and will and wants to speak to me but I've turned a deaf ear to Him for so long. I don't really know where this divine inspiration comes from, but I think it's for the best. To try to break some old habits, or even break the old me and form me into something beautiful for the future. I don't know what comes in the future, but I know that God is already there and knows every step that I will take and every thought that I will think and every move that I will make.

So while I may have titled this entry "Limbo" (I titled it before I started writing) I'm beginning to think that maybe limbo is exactly where I need to be. To be patient. To just not be so expectant or hoping that everything happens so quickly. To take a breather. I've gone on and so hard for so long that maybe I should cherish and relish in the slower moments of life before life gets going again. I've a long day at work tomorrow just to pick up hours before a vacation and so tomorrow will certainly be a day. But beyond that I just have the weekend, have to find time to mow the lawns again, and then a final exam on Monday morning, then I'll be off for roughly 2 weeks of fun filled time aboard the Master of Tides cruise then going to Orlando for a week of Disney and Universal. It will be a very blessed and fun time, but also a very busy time, so while I may not necessarily be a fan of sitting at home for long hours and not exercising or finding something to do or even having to deal with my own brain and my own thoughts, maybe this is the quiet before I get going and I should figure out the best way to maximize this time. Pray more, trust more, and just go about my life and hope that I can figure out and follow the plan set out for me that God created long before I was even a thought in my parents' heads.

I don't think I'm purposefully sending the link to this post to anyone, so if anyone reads this, thanks for reading it out and watching me as I work through today's thoughts and ultimately feel pretty good about it. Sarah, if you're reading this because you saved the link from the post I wrote about being your best friend, I think titled "The Heart", I hope that all this talk of trying to see if God has a plan for you and I, but I'm still just working through the thoughts and the feelings that I do like you and want to date you. I would like to think I've got a good enough grasp on it that we can be chill. I'm looking forward to whatever plans we make to hangout. But, um, I guess thanks for also reading this if you happened to stumble on this.