So maybe with the last 2 years or so being a lot of ups and downs in the relationship field, I've gotten to a point where I will easily catch feelings. Between a crush getting let out prematurely and it almost ultimately working (but didn't obviously), then after months of nothing to attempting the whole asking out again (and then that was initially a success to then a rejection over text), and finally another asking out after thinking a friendship was progressing well to just another rejection and dissolving of a friendship, all of that left me feeling defeated as it I'm doing something wrong. That perhaps I'm too undesirable that no matter how far I may seem to get in having a relationship or progressing a friendship with others to just lose it all once things get rolling or I finally get the 5 seconds of bravery/courage to ask them out. I know that technically none of it is necessarily my fault. That just because I ask a girl out doesn't mean she has to say yes. That even if she says no that as long as I keep myself in check and not lash out as a result of rejection that there isn't necessarily anything wrong with me.
So of course as the final night of being in Orlando comes up and we're just having a last dinner with a friend and just wandering around Disney Springs for a bit, all seems to be nice and easy. Nothing more than just enjoying the vacation and doing different things to relax and maybe get some nifty souvenirs. As we checkout and leave from "World of Disney" (a massive Disney merch store), we use the mobile app to test out their testing of a checkout that doesn't require standing on line and going through a register. You just show the QR code after paying on the app to whomever is working the mobile checkouts, and then they'll bag up your items and just double check everything, then you'll be on your merry way with your new merch.
We check out and because our friend is wearing the Cast Member issued face covering, the two girls running the mobile checkout check (I'm not really sure what that is officially called) one of them, named Alex, asks the friend, "where do you make magic" (which is the phrasing of where do you work but to keep things themed and the idea of Disney as magical and not just another workplace, I suppose and assume anyhow). So a whole conversation between the friend and Alex ensues as they talk about their work experiences etc. My brother and myself are just standing there, listening to the conversation, so is the other girl, named Lauren. Now nothing spectacular is happening as Alex and Lauren are just finishing up their shifts and are probably just looking to go home for the night, and our friend is a nice guy and likes to chat with all sorts of Cast Members.
For all I know, anything I document next could be completely misplaced and misunderstood as it's hard to tell what someone may be thinking because half their face is concealed by a face covering and also they could simply just be friendly as the job description calls for being effectively in a customer service/retail position. With that being said, here we go.
While our friend and Alex are talking, I'm just sorta looking around, not anywhere in particular just so that I'm not staring in any one place and just being human, I suppose. Every now and then I glance over at Lauren because admittedly she seems to be pretty. I'm a guy who likes pretty eyes and with face coverings you only see the eyes basically. I just kinda glance around, and she also has pretty blonde hair. Now for all I know she was just doing the same of looking around without much rime or reason as well, but I thought I noticed her looking me up and down, or at least just glancing at me semi-regularly. At one point she says something to me, and after coming back to the forefront of my mind I ask to clarify what she said. She asked if my brother and I also worked at Disney, to which I just said "oh no, we're just visiting our friend here, they (pointing at my brother and the friend) have been friends since middle school."
Conversations go on and on and eventually I guess Alex was inquiring our relation to our friend, so then Lauren mentions what I told her which was simply that my brother and our friend have been friends since middle school. And then there's some light laughter and joking around as Alex was confused how Lauren knew that and she didn't and she had a look of "did I miss something" on her face. Well from whatever I could tell anyways because face coverings.
That more or less sums up those 15 minutes or so of interacting with those 2 girls and that was that. I can't tell why I felt these butterflies or if she was actually looking at me with purpose or just glancing around. All I know is that I thought her eyes were pretty and that the lighting made them sparkle. And I half wonder if the reason why she asked if I worked at Disney was maybe she was hoping I did? But then that line/train of thought seems too hopeful and almost overconfident that maybe I can also have the quick attraction/initial eye catching, so I somehow doubt that that was the case. I'm also a major overthinker so even the less likely results and reasonings do cross the mind.
Isn't it weird I disappear from my own blog for awhile and then boom I reappear because of 5 minutes of thinking some girl, whom I'll probably never see again, is pretty and then I just don't stop thinking about her nearly 2 hours later? I mean I have no means of connection and even if I did, she works down here in Florida and I'll be up in New Jersey, so what good would it be if I somehow got connected? Or even if I were to be bold enough to ask for her number or social media, isn't that a bit weird or too forward to do since I only just met her and it was only because of our friend who wore his Cast Member face covering that started and really got this interaction going? Because if we had just gone to Springs on our own, it would have been in and out. They would've simply checked our order to be correct and then we would've been on our way with no second thought and no interaction otherwise.
I guess that's all there is to it and I don't know what to do, but maybe there is nothing to do. Just brush it off and not fall so easily for another girl whom I might never talk to again.
Why am I like this? Why am I so desperate to be loved and to find a relationship? I mean I've made it this far without (basically anyways) and I could probably go on forever without one til the day I die. But I can't deny that it would be nice to have a relationship and to have a companion. Someone to talk to, to share my emotions and feelings from the day with, to go on dates and do cute couple's stuff with during the seasons like apple picking, pumpkin carving, snuggling during the winter, going to the beach in the summer, etc.
I guess I simply just want to be loved. I want to be romantically loved and not just platonically loved. Platonic love is great, but I enjoyed the one month or so of what seemed to be romantic love at the time. And now I'm only loved by my family and maybe select number of friends. Which not to say it's not good, because I am grateful for it. But romantic love is different than platonic or familial love.
Maybe the desire and want to be love drives all of this.
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