At first it was nice and easy. I hit post on that "goodbye letter" and then I was free from any thought about her for the rest of June and all of July. And then it was most of August before occasionally I would see things that just brings back the memories. At work I'd see someone wants their sub labeled with "Sophia", or I'd hear talk of the tennis player Sofia Kenin. Or every time I see any American Sign Language interpreter, I briefly think of her knowing that that was her major at Liberty. Or hell, even when I think of my time as the Liberty Batman and if I want to work on improving my own costume for fun these days, I can't help but remember how I even met her which was when she offered to help design and attempt to create a cowl (which ultimately never came to fruition, but it was still how we met and eventually became friends to basically dating each other). I could probably go on and think of or find something that reminds me of her, but I think I've gone on enough as it is.
Whenever I do think of her, it's not how I was a year ago, longing for things to come back, even as friends, etc. No, I don't think or feel that way anymore as I know there's no shot of it happening that way. It's mostly a curiosity of "I wonder what she's up to", "I hope she's doing well", "I wonder how she is", etc. And maybe the simple solution is to see if I text her and see if she responds. But then I have a feeling that aside from the one off of texting her "Merry Christmas" at the tail end of 2020, and she replying with a simple "Merry Christmas" in return (albeit mine was a bit more written out), that texting her wouldn't necessarily result in anything more or even any response.
I only think that because I remember trying and pleading with her to apologize and to try to make amends. I understand it was mostly out of desperation that I tried apologizing to her, and she had to do what she thought was best which was to push me away. And when she tried to apologize for that I ghosted her that was the end of everything, if I had to guess. After that I don't know what happened, but maybe I'm just not meant to happen.
Maybe this is one of those things that will just be in and out of my mind because it was a decently major part of my life. Granted it was a miniscule period of time on the grand scheme of things (even if you count when we first became friends, 5 months is insignificant compared to now 22 years), but it was major enough as I learned a lot. I learned about what it meant to be in relationship and that it's not just coming together to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I learned how to figure out when to sacrifice and in what degree to take care of another outside of myself. I learned how I shut down and respond poorly under emotional duress and stress. I learned the weight of words and actions and how it can so easily cost a friendship or several. I learned that a lot of people are actually trying to support you, if you just let them in on what plagues you. I learned that communication is key to all friendships, not just the romantic ones. And I'm sure there is plenty more that I've learned between that, and also all the time in between.
So all of this to say that yes, 18 months after everything went south and even 2 months after attempting to say goodbye forever, I still am occasionally thinking about her. Some days it becomes a mild hurt as I think of the good times and memories I did have. But I know that that door has been closed for me. To try to reach out and text, to inquire to others asking about her, etc, is not right nor fair to me or them. Whatever friendships I may have restored or continued to have through the fire should not be strained by becoming a place of inquiry. I should just cherish the friends I do have now and try to hold on to them a bit more dearly than before and to not let something so negative happen again to lose them for good.
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