Reconstruction

 It's weird how the world works sometimes. It can easily be seen that everything is upside down and not going the way you wanted it to go, but there can be and usually is a silver lining to it all.

Without disclosing too much information due to the privacy of the nature, there was a occurrence with a mutual friend and I wasn't sure to whom was a message sent out to regarding it. All I know is that I figured to reach out to former people I had contact with and to make sure the news was spread to people who would be in potential of need to know.

One of those people that I decided to share to was former friend Dan. For a long while I had been contemplating reaching out to him. To truly and really express my apologies and ask for his forgiveness. I know that I had sent my last letters to him and another who I had a major falling out with earlier this year, but since I never had received a response, I knew not if the letter had made it and been read or if it had been discarded or otherwise destroyed. On the bright side, one of the two letters had been opened and read. As for the other one, the world may never know the answer to that, but it is okay.

Since I still had Dan's phone number, I decided to text him to make sure he knows of the mutual friend's status. I know that to text out of the blue is already a risk. I didn't know how feelings were towards me or how receiving a text from someone he hadn't spoken to in months would come across. I didn't know if he had forgiven me or if he had done the same thing I used to do and just block all means of contact. That would've honestly been justified given how I had treated him so poorly in my anger and disbelief of losing something I had grown close to and something I was so happy with. The lesson to be learned is to make sure that in times of high/elevated emotion or emotional stress, to step away and not say or do anything stupid towards another as it can and will destroy something so precious and valuable if I am not careful.

Back to the outreach. I had figured that regardless of if I were blocked or not, I would send a text. I had included the necessary details, and even said that a response wasn't necessary. All I needed to do was inform and request prayer for said friend. That could have very well been the end of it.

However, he did respond, and I figured "okay, so I have at least one means of contact, let me try my hand and see what happens." I asked about if he had gotten my last letter to him, and stated if he didn't exactly what the letter had contained, in which I was asking for forgiveness and trying to truly apologize. To my surprise, he did get my letter and was ready to forgive me and accept my apology. It was a relief for me and gave me a little bit of hope that maybe this year isn't so bad. That everyone has been hating on 2020 for what? Inconveniences? Downfalls of various things? A global pandemic that our generation has not seen nor experienced for ourselves? Whatever the case is, I know that I have been looking down upon 2020, but I am realizing now that some of the bad and negative were all from my actions. Obviously some things were out of my control, like the pandemic, but there were many things I could have done to prevent the fallout, to prevent dissolution of friendships, to prevent a lot of darkness that had consumed me as a result of the poor decision making I had made nearly 8 months ago.

On the other hand, it did teach me a lot of things. It taught me how my words have power, even if I don't think it to be true. That I have the ability to change the outlook and perspective of my life depending on how I want to choose to view one thing or another. I could very easily write off 2020 as the worst year of my life. Or I could see it as the year that forges me into a better man for my tomorrow. To realize that I need to not be so rash and so sensitive to various things. To know that sometimes holding my tongue would be best to save any relationship that I may have with the person, regardless if it is platonic or romantic or anything in between (is there even an in between?)

As I like to quote one of my favorite Christian artists, for KING & COUNTRY, "It's Not Over Yet" and the year still can be improved as much as possible before we turn into 2021. There's a lot of talk of how 2021 will be better than 2020, but how can it possibly be better if we don't actively make strides to get there? If I were to sit and wallow in my pain, in my hurt, in my darkness and blame the world and not look at if there was something inside of me that led to much of it, how can I expect the change of a number on the calendar to do much for me? How can I expect writing a "1" instead of a "0" in the year mean it all the sudden changes and everything goes "back to normal"? To improve on oneself is a day to day process. It doesn't happen overnight, it doesn't happen drastically. The only way it happens is through tiny, baby steps towards the direction one seeks. If I don't start taking those steps, I can never get to the destination I want to. How can I go even 1 mile, if I sit down where I am and never take a single step? It is impossible.

With all that being said, there are steps being taken to restore some level of a friendship with a former best friend. I know not if this means I will ever achieve best friendship again, but if it means I can be at rest knowing I have changed myself and can restore even a so-called "normal" friendship with someone I had wronged, then that's progress towards being a better man. I would like to hope that maybe through time and effort that this friendship could maybe regrow to what it once was and maybe even more than that, but if that's not the calling nor the path that was set out before me, at least I have what I have and I am blessed to even have a restoration beginning.