Reconstruction

 It's weird how the world works sometimes. It can easily be seen that everything is upside down and not going the way you wanted it to go, but there can be and usually is a silver lining to it all.

Without disclosing too much information due to the privacy of the nature, there was a occurrence with a mutual friend and I wasn't sure to whom was a message sent out to regarding it. All I know is that I figured to reach out to former people I had contact with and to make sure the news was spread to people who would be in potential of need to know.

One of those people that I decided to share to was former friend Dan. For a long while I had been contemplating reaching out to him. To truly and really express my apologies and ask for his forgiveness. I know that I had sent my last letters to him and another who I had a major falling out with earlier this year, but since I never had received a response, I knew not if the letter had made it and been read or if it had been discarded or otherwise destroyed. On the bright side, one of the two letters had been opened and read. As for the other one, the world may never know the answer to that, but it is okay.

Since I still had Dan's phone number, I decided to text him to make sure he knows of the mutual friend's status. I know that to text out of the blue is already a risk. I didn't know how feelings were towards me or how receiving a text from someone he hadn't spoken to in months would come across. I didn't know if he had forgiven me or if he had done the same thing I used to do and just block all means of contact. That would've honestly been justified given how I had treated him so poorly in my anger and disbelief of losing something I had grown close to and something I was so happy with. The lesson to be learned is to make sure that in times of high/elevated emotion or emotional stress, to step away and not say or do anything stupid towards another as it can and will destroy something so precious and valuable if I am not careful.

Back to the outreach. I had figured that regardless of if I were blocked or not, I would send a text. I had included the necessary details, and even said that a response wasn't necessary. All I needed to do was inform and request prayer for said friend. That could have very well been the end of it.

However, he did respond, and I figured "okay, so I have at least one means of contact, let me try my hand and see what happens." I asked about if he had gotten my last letter to him, and stated if he didn't exactly what the letter had contained, in which I was asking for forgiveness and trying to truly apologize. To my surprise, he did get my letter and was ready to forgive me and accept my apology. It was a relief for me and gave me a little bit of hope that maybe this year isn't so bad. That everyone has been hating on 2020 for what? Inconveniences? Downfalls of various things? A global pandemic that our generation has not seen nor experienced for ourselves? Whatever the case is, I know that I have been looking down upon 2020, but I am realizing now that some of the bad and negative were all from my actions. Obviously some things were out of my control, like the pandemic, but there were many things I could have done to prevent the fallout, to prevent dissolution of friendships, to prevent a lot of darkness that had consumed me as a result of the poor decision making I had made nearly 8 months ago.

On the other hand, it did teach me a lot of things. It taught me how my words have power, even if I don't think it to be true. That I have the ability to change the outlook and perspective of my life depending on how I want to choose to view one thing or another. I could very easily write off 2020 as the worst year of my life. Or I could see it as the year that forges me into a better man for my tomorrow. To realize that I need to not be so rash and so sensitive to various things. To know that sometimes holding my tongue would be best to save any relationship that I may have with the person, regardless if it is platonic or romantic or anything in between (is there even an in between?)

As I like to quote one of my favorite Christian artists, for KING & COUNTRY, "It's Not Over Yet" and the year still can be improved as much as possible before we turn into 2021. There's a lot of talk of how 2021 will be better than 2020, but how can it possibly be better if we don't actively make strides to get there? If I were to sit and wallow in my pain, in my hurt, in my darkness and blame the world and not look at if there was something inside of me that led to much of it, how can I expect the change of a number on the calendar to do much for me? How can I expect writing a "1" instead of a "0" in the year mean it all the sudden changes and everything goes "back to normal"? To improve on oneself is a day to day process. It doesn't happen overnight, it doesn't happen drastically. The only way it happens is through tiny, baby steps towards the direction one seeks. If I don't start taking those steps, I can never get to the destination I want to. How can I go even 1 mile, if I sit down where I am and never take a single step? It is impossible.

With all that being said, there are steps being taken to restore some level of a friendship with a former best friend. I know not if this means I will ever achieve best friendship again, but if it means I can be at rest knowing I have changed myself and can restore even a so-called "normal" friendship with someone I had wronged, then that's progress towards being a better man. I would like to hope that maybe through time and effort that this friendship could maybe regrow to what it once was and maybe even more than that, but if that's not the calling nor the path that was set out before me, at least I have what I have and I am blessed to even have a restoration beginning.

Greater Influence Than I Realized

 Bouncing off of the last post where I had lost trust for myself, I have been relatively hard on myself throughout my life. I don't say that to be a sob story or for someone to pity me, it's just more of the simple truth.

For example, I always saw myself as unattractive, weak, has little friends so if I ever break a friendship off then I'm alone, etc.

But now as I think about it, and I mean really think about it, none of that is true.

There are one or two instances I can think of someone thinking I am attractive, I have some strengths in areas I didn't realize (as well as working on physical strength), and I have more friends that I never realized because they are still here and supporting me.

For those who aren't aware, I joined a discord server in which it's a friendly community where we game and hang out together. I was invited to it by a close friend because it's his cousin's clan. It's been an incredibly fun time, and I've had a blast ever since joining.

So naturally since we are trying to build a bigger community that people can flock to for a place to feel safe and comfortable and have a good time, I've been inviting friends. Anyone that I can think that I'm still on decent if not good terms with and who games (with a side of potential interest) I've reached out and sent an invite to. Understandably some people say no or aren't interested, and that's fine, I don't blame them.

What I did realize though is the number of people I had been able to reach out to and they had some interest in it. I've brought in 15 people, and sure maybe that's not a lot, but sometimes it's better to have less friends but closer ones, than to have more friends but distant ones. I guess part of the confidence thing is that the things I say or think to myself, the lies I repeat to myself are not necessarily true.

I have friends, and there are friends who would count me as a friend, and it's nice to know that the lies were, well, lies. That there are truths, but the truths are better than what I had previously imagined. It's definitely still a process to build myself back up, but hey, progress is progress. As long as it works towards the right direction, who cares?

Regaining Confidence

 It's been a relative central subject that has shown up here and left and shown up again. But I feel like after examining myself and my surroundings as well as gaining insights from other people that I needed to write this.

I have been lacking in confidence and I just didn't realize it. I put so much blame and took so many falls for the unfortunate events at the beginning of this year. I hated myself for failing out of college, for destroying the best friend group I had ever created centered on my interests (the Batphamily as it eventually became known as), for the way I had immaturely reacted when the girl I had become really close with (not even dating) had told me things weren't going to work if I didn't return to school, and just the way I had processed it all. So much hate, anger, and negative emotion. Most, if not all of the actions I had taken were gut instinct/knee-jerk reaction. It was then (but I didn't realize it at the time) that I began to start losing trust in myself.

It became more and more evident as time went on, but to me it wasn't evident until just a few days ago when a friend had pointed it out to me. I started relying on others' inputs on something I had to make a decision on. I became more and more indifferent when choices were laid out before me, in fear of not making the "right" choice and ruining an experience for everyone else (i.e. something as dumb and as small as choosing what restaurant I wanted to go to for my birthday). As far as that example goes, how could it be the wrong choice? I was given special treatment for my birthday (as my siblings and my parents get when it's respectively their birthday), and I had a fear of not making the right restaurant choice???

The realization of it all came when I was trying to decide about something from the past and whether or not I should be going back and making amends as necessary to repair broken/burnt bridges and at least give my conscience a rest. A good friend had pointed out in observation that he noticed I lack trust in myself because of all the blame I assumed during this year's events. Sure I had quite a large hand in play when it comes down to it, but some things were building up and revealing its climax, some things just were out of my control. The point of it being that it had damaged me deeper and more than I possibly could have imagined it did, not even just from friendship breaks and romantic loss.

What I need to now is to re-learn how I can trust myself. To get back to the more confident self I had once been. I've learned a lot through this year's mistakes, and while it wasn't the 2020 I had hoped for, maybe this is the 2020 I needed so as to learn more about myself and become better. Trust is something that is hard to build (sometimes) and can prove to be incredibly valuable. It is sometimes very fragile though and the smallest thing can shatter it like a glass pane. My trust in myself had been shattered and I never realized I was walking among broken shards, that slowly and painfully dug deep beneath the skin and inflicted wounds I could not see. It was like my trust for myself was a light, and I had broken it, causing darkness to envelop me and to leave glass everywhere that I couldn't see and didn't know was damaging me.

On the bright side, I have found friends and new friends alike who are willing to be there for me. To be a listening ear for my troubles and my worries, and to just be someone I can vent to. Someone that I can trust. I've found a community that I can be pushed a bit to learn and to grow. I'm soon to be promoted and given a leadership position in which I will have to trust myself and know that I have to make decisions that I can't always be asking for input from everyone. Obviously some things will still need approval from upper management/staff, but for the most part I need to start stepping up and trusting that my decisions are good. I have seen a lot and learned a lot, but I also have so much more to learn in life. I need to keep on growing where I can, learning where I can, and start trusting where I once did but no longer do.

It will most definitely be a process, but a process is usually progress and progress means growth. The only way I can develop as a person is to take that first step. I cannot grow if I linger around in one place for too long. How am I to learn to become better and be better if I stay stagnant and rooted in the things that I do know? I must accept challenges set before me, and trust that the challenges that appear to be too big for me at the time that I will be provided to tools and the wisdom to conquer.

With all that being said, onward I must go, for to stay where I am now will eventually lead to decay and to go back to where I was hurting and to stay in the past while shutting out the future is beyond gone. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is a sunrise coming at the end of this dusk. But I just got to keep pressing on towards the path of growth and to explore the lands set before me.

72

June 24th, 2020 was the last time you heard from me, if this is what qualifies as hearing from me. 10 weeks and 2 days ago if you were to count it. 72 days. A lot has changed but simultaneously I wonder if anything has changed. To catch y'all up in a few short sentences, here's all that happened: I became closer with friends at work and even started to hang out with them outside of work. I turned 21 and had a few too many shots in 40 minutes to celebrate. I had a wonderful week off from work, exploring various halls of fame and just hanging out with the family. I joined a friend's cousin's discord gaming clan, Hounds of Hades, and have been chilling and hanging out with them. There are very tangible, very real talks of promoting me to shift leader at work. And last but not least, I've gotten back into streaming video games again on Twitch. And while all of that is great, I wonder why I am here. Why have I returned to a place that I was gone from for over 2 months. A place where I had gone to write out my feelings and thoughts and inner darkness and turmoils. A place that I thought I would leave behind me in my past and move on without it. Truth be told, I'm occasionally dealing with some waves of the storm. A quote I once saw was:

A letter on loss 

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents. I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see. As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."

I know that that is a long read in and of itself, but it's crucial to what I'm writing here today for.

In the beginning of my realization of the destruction I had a hand in in February, there were indeed waves that were 100 feet tall, and all I'm clinging on to was a piece of the wrecked ship that I managed to find. I had really dark times, feel sad and sorry for myself, kicking myself for behaving the way that I did for destroying something precious and so beautiful.

As time did pass and I worked through it, those waves kept on coming. They were huge at first and they started to get smaller. I had felt less bad but still bad enough about it that I had times of wishing things were different and that I could go back to the way things were before it all.

As days became weeks and weeks became months, those waves did eventually shrink in size, and started to arrive less frequently, but occasionally enough to push me and rock me around. The main storm has passed, but the waves of its aftermath is still affecting me.

Almost exactly 1 month ago, I had finally sent those final letters. As I had expected upon sending them, no response from either one, and I didn't think I was going to get one. About 3 weeks after sending the letters, I had found myself yearning for an answer, and a want to reach out to my former best friend of 2.5 years. I toughed it out and after texting a couple of friends, they told me to pray about it and power through it. I didn't exactly pray about it much, maybe once but as I was falling asleep so I never really finished that prayer I think.

The most recent wave was definitely smaller than any of the ones before, but still a wave nonetheless. Exactly 7 months later (since it is September 4th, 2020). The cause of it was a more personal matter, and I had considered opening up to a friend who supported me through my tough times and who was the one who welcomed me with open arms into the clan I now happily claim to be a part of. I've been wanting to tell this friend about what I've been thinking about, but I can never bring myself to because of shame and doubt and x, y, and z. I can find millions of reasons to not start the process, but maybe I should begin it at least?

That part is beside the point for right now. The point is that the last time I opened up to a close friend or even best friend is that it ended horribly. I know that's irrational thinking and paranoia as that was one instance and it was just immaturity on all sides leading to that kind of uprooting. But it made me think of that former friend again about how I actually was getting closer to him and trusting him with my inner secrets I hadn't told anyone before. Darker moments that crossed my mind, my ins and outs of my thoughts, and he was a good sponge and helped me through it. But now I don't have him in my life because of what I've done. I know I have other friends who I'm sure would be willing to throw their all to support me through whatever it is I'm going through, but it's just that the thought of opening up reminds me of what was.

It makes me wonder if the letter was ever received. Did he move out so the letter made it to the last known location and eventually was trashed because the recipient was never there? Did the letter get opened but discarded or otherwise destroyed? Then the memories I had with him started to come in. Such good times that I will never regret, from playing games, to sending memes, to shooting guns, to almost anything you could think of. It had made me somber for a moment.

Maybe this is just a wave I gotta hold on tight to whatever I can grasp onto and let it pass. I know it is definitely a wave, but it feels small. Say maybe 10-25 feet max. I know that's still large, but in comparison to what I say was the 100 foot waves? Pocket lint in comparison. Maybe there will be a day when this storm affects me no more and I can set foot on land, build me a new ship, and set sail off to adventure where I've yet to explore with my setbacks wrecking my last ship. To just get back up and go because the only thing that will be holding me down once I get back to "land" is myself.

I do know that sometimes people come in to your life for just a moment, and fade out because they had served their purpose and taught you all that they could. There's definitely someone who would say coincidence or conspiracy. I believe in something, no, someone greater than all of that who brought him into my life for 2.5 years to learn how to trust people, and talk to people. To bond with people. Maybe all that I could have gotten from him has been obtained and while it is sad to part ways, that maybe this is what was intended from the beginning. Because if you really want to get sad over people leaving my life, why haven't I made such a big deal with a lot of the people I regularly hung out with in middle school or high school? I parted ways with 99% of them after high school, and that 1% is just an occasional text here and there. There were a lot of people I don't get to see anymore because of my lack of student status at Liberty (and what with COVID-19 now anyways), and I'm not nearly as this impacted. I mean yes, I love all the people I met at LU and would do anything to hang out with them again, but it's not the same sadness I feel when I look back on it.

So here I am, writing about who knows what. I'm braving this next wave now, and I don't know how often I'll return to create a new entry. I'm still alive (as you can see by reading this) and I guess it's just time for me to rediscover myself and let go of the fears that hold me back from bonding closer with the people I wish to bond closer to.