Regaining Confidence

 It's been a relative central subject that has shown up here and left and shown up again. But I feel like after examining myself and my surroundings as well as gaining insights from other people that I needed to write this.

I have been lacking in confidence and I just didn't realize it. I put so much blame and took so many falls for the unfortunate events at the beginning of this year. I hated myself for failing out of college, for destroying the best friend group I had ever created centered on my interests (the Batphamily as it eventually became known as), for the way I had immaturely reacted when the girl I had become really close with (not even dating) had told me things weren't going to work if I didn't return to school, and just the way I had processed it all. So much hate, anger, and negative emotion. Most, if not all of the actions I had taken were gut instinct/knee-jerk reaction. It was then (but I didn't realize it at the time) that I began to start losing trust in myself.

It became more and more evident as time went on, but to me it wasn't evident until just a few days ago when a friend had pointed it out to me. I started relying on others' inputs on something I had to make a decision on. I became more and more indifferent when choices were laid out before me, in fear of not making the "right" choice and ruining an experience for everyone else (i.e. something as dumb and as small as choosing what restaurant I wanted to go to for my birthday). As far as that example goes, how could it be the wrong choice? I was given special treatment for my birthday (as my siblings and my parents get when it's respectively their birthday), and I had a fear of not making the right restaurant choice???

The realization of it all came when I was trying to decide about something from the past and whether or not I should be going back and making amends as necessary to repair broken/burnt bridges and at least give my conscience a rest. A good friend had pointed out in observation that he noticed I lack trust in myself because of all the blame I assumed during this year's events. Sure I had quite a large hand in play when it comes down to it, but some things were building up and revealing its climax, some things just were out of my control. The point of it being that it had damaged me deeper and more than I possibly could have imagined it did, not even just from friendship breaks and romantic loss.

What I need to now is to re-learn how I can trust myself. To get back to the more confident self I had once been. I've learned a lot through this year's mistakes, and while it wasn't the 2020 I had hoped for, maybe this is the 2020 I needed so as to learn more about myself and become better. Trust is something that is hard to build (sometimes) and can prove to be incredibly valuable. It is sometimes very fragile though and the smallest thing can shatter it like a glass pane. My trust in myself had been shattered and I never realized I was walking among broken shards, that slowly and painfully dug deep beneath the skin and inflicted wounds I could not see. It was like my trust for myself was a light, and I had broken it, causing darkness to envelop me and to leave glass everywhere that I couldn't see and didn't know was damaging me.

On the bright side, I have found friends and new friends alike who are willing to be there for me. To be a listening ear for my troubles and my worries, and to just be someone I can vent to. Someone that I can trust. I've found a community that I can be pushed a bit to learn and to grow. I'm soon to be promoted and given a leadership position in which I will have to trust myself and know that I have to make decisions that I can't always be asking for input from everyone. Obviously some things will still need approval from upper management/staff, but for the most part I need to start stepping up and trusting that my decisions are good. I have seen a lot and learned a lot, but I also have so much more to learn in life. I need to keep on growing where I can, learning where I can, and start trusting where I once did but no longer do.

It will most definitely be a process, but a process is usually progress and progress means growth. The only way I can develop as a person is to take that first step. I cannot grow if I linger around in one place for too long. How am I to learn to become better and be better if I stay stagnant and rooted in the things that I do know? I must accept challenges set before me, and trust that the challenges that appear to be too big for me at the time that I will be provided to tools and the wisdom to conquer.

With all that being said, onward I must go, for to stay where I am now will eventually lead to decay and to go back to where I was hurting and to stay in the past while shutting out the future is beyond gone. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is a sunrise coming at the end of this dusk. But I just got to keep pressing on towards the path of growth and to explore the lands set before me.