How do I go back? After the absence I took. The darkness that consumed me. The words I've written out of anger; speaking of how life was better without, rather than to consider space and return?
How do I go back? When I have not said a word for such a long time? When I don't get the right to disappear and reappear whenever it is convenient for me?
The question also is how do I go about accepting an apology, and to try to move forward? There's a burning want inside of me to do the right thing. To humble myself in my error, in my lashing out. How have I lashed out? Because I had thought that in the space that was being created so that I could really heal, I had written blog posts saying life was better now with the space created. Sure, it has gotten better because I can actually heal now while I am not focused on trying to return to what was before the nuclear fires of February.
I don't know whether or not I should try to rekindle the flames of friendship, but I do know I need to show grace and accept the apology sent to me. That I need to forgive a lot of people. To forgive for an action that was for my betterment but I took as a casting out, yet I had done the same thing, without the idea of bettering the other party's life. To forgive for words spoken out of anger and clouded judgment, for I had done my fair share and I shouldn't say my words had less damage and that other's words have heavier damage when in reality we both were wrong and have dealt our fair share of damage in different ways. That we had struck each other's nerves because we had gotten close enough to know where to strike.
To forgive and move on, is a task that is a tall order for many. A tall order even for myself for I am not really that spectacular as a person. I am so flawed beyond what I could even see myself as, but I want to improve. And I feel like my first step is to forgive. Because if I claim to be a Christian, I have been shown the greatest forgiveness that I could ever have been given. A forgiveness from God that pardons my sins so as to allow me to join Him in Heaven one day. Not to say I should go sin and just say it's been covered for. Just more of an avoidance when possible and rest assured that when I fail, it's not the end of the world for me.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, how do I re-enter people's lives so as I can find a chance to forgive them as they have once done for me. If not for the idea of being like Christ and forgiving those who wrong us (or perceived to have wronged us, as I have come to learn about myself), I should forgive them because they have forgiven me. So if nothing else, I should to settle the score. Not to keep score, however, but for my own sake.
If you are reading this because it was sent to you, I know I probably don't deserve the right to find a chance to forgive you, but I want to. I know that in all honesty you probably didn't ever wrong me, and there really isn't any reason for me to forgive you for something you didn't even do. I know that, depending on who is reading this, your words were justified, or your actions to create space to allow me to truly heal, and there's nothing wronged against me. This whole time it was just me being immature and perceiving things wrongly. I don't mean to send you this and write out this post to say I am mature now, and I don't even know how much progress I have made, but I do want to work on myself for the future. So if you would allow me to just forgive you so I can settle my own conscience, and if you feel like you have anything you can tell me to help me improve more, I would very much appreciate it all.
Okay, I guess I'm done. I'm currently writing all this at 10:27 p.m. on Tuesday, April 28th, 2020, and I don't know when I will post this, much less send it. I don't know when is the right time, I don't know if it's even okay, but here it is.
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