Suppression

I find that there are so many things in just regular day to day life that can potentially invoke memories of the good times I had in my final semester as a Liberty student. Anything late night reminds me of my late night talks, Minecraft parties, Waffle House runs, etc. Minecraft in and of itself reminds me of great memories of when I goofed and crashed the Batpham server, and just all the fun we had on that.

I don't know what to do when these memories arise. They are now bittersweet. Bitter because I cannot recreate these memories nor make any new memories with the Batpham anymore or at least as easy as it had been. Because I only know how good I had it now that I am missing it. Sweet because I love those times and memories that I shared with my friends. Times and memories that I hope they love as well.

My first instinct is to suppress these memories. To not even think of them as best as possible. To try to distract myself and find something else to think about when those memories arise. Do I try to keep on forgetting these memories so as to no longer feel the pain or hurt that is now partly associated with them?

Do I keep contact with those same friends to a minimum because any contact at all reminds me of what I had, what I lost, and what I could have had? But then is that detrimental to myself and my growth? To not be able to move on and try to make new memories and new associations that my mind can make when I think of these past friends?

I feel so much hurt and so much pain, and I guess it's natural and it's only really been just over a month since everything started crumbling, and just about 2 months since the fateful news of my rejected return to Liberty. I want to grow. I want to get better. I want to try to make this just a small hiccup in my life that I will learn from and that I can move on from.

I want to make new memories to replace these recent bad memories I created because of my actions. I just don't know how that would be manageable or possible since I cannot physically be there with my friends to make memories in person, which would be the easiest thing to do.

So what do I do? Try to move on? Obviously, but do I suppress these feelings, emotions, and memories whenever they arise? Do I try to make new friends to distract me from going back to old friends? What do I do? I don't want to cast anyone out, but I don't know what to do or where to go.

I still wish things could have been so much different.