WARNING: This post is going to be incredibly vulnerable and exposing parts of me and my inner workings that maybe you don't want to read or know about. Proceed at your own risk.
But please do know that I am trying to be accountable and open about myself and my darkness. If you have the stomach for it so to speak, please do read on and maybe take on my call to action.
And now you might be wondering what could be that damaging to the mind and soul. Well, at least for me and being a Christian, there are the 10 Commandments and just morals I should uphold. Even if I weren't a Christian, it's an unhealthy method of coping.
It's something I have been struggling with for going on 5 years now. And I'm not proud of that. Typically if I have something going for a few years it's good, but in this instance since I am struggling with it, it's naturally bad.
My struggles, if you don't know already, stem from one of the 7 Deadly Sins. And the one I'm referring to? Lust.
It pains me to say it, but I gotta say it. I am ashamed of what I've fallen to. My integrity or my character or even both take a hit on this. My pride is also hurt. But I know that if I keep it secret, I will never do anything to fight it because I always will just think, "oh nobody knows and what they don't know can't hurt them". But it's hurting me.
I caved to the flesh and sadly sin is winning. It's making me angrier than the good feeling of the dopamine and serotonin feel. To feel that relaxation is good from a neurological/psychological standpoint, but from a moral standpoint, it's awful.
I don't know who I can talk to because this is such a taboo topic and it makes me feel utterly shameful of myself. I want to talk to someone, but I could never talk about it in person because I am ashamed. I want someone to text or something to be an accountability partner.
I don't have any close enough male friends to talk to. I don't know who to talk to. I don't want to talk to my brother even because of the nature of the topic. Why is this so hard?
It's sadly an addiction that I have such a hard time breaking free of. They are chains that shackle me to the ground and disallows me to climb up and rise. Denies me to take flight.
I guess I want to write it out as well since I'm already at it. The exact part of lust that I fall to is pornography and masturbation. There. I've said it. I know this is a side of me that maybe you didn't want to know. Maybe this is too much information. I guess I'll go write a warning at the top of the post to at least give a heads up.
With all this being said, I don't know what steps I need to take in order to get free of this addiction, to break this vicious cycle of trying to find satisfaction for the flesh. I need to find my satisfaction elsewhere.
If anyone reads this and is a friend or even anyone who isn't (I doubt people who aren't friends are reading this, but alas I must be fair), and if you are willing to maybe help support me in this fight, text me? I don't know what I would ask of you, I don't know what you would want to be willing to do or be to support. Feel free to let me know the boundaries.
So that's it then. Exposing the darkest secrets of myself. This is who I am sadly. But I want to change for good. I know I don't get to demand someone help me, but it would be really appreciated to know I have a support system to help me through it all.
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