The first wave of sadness that I had felt was shortly before I made that post. It was short. Maybe 5 minutes or even less. But the point is that it wasn't a long lasting sadness session. I had managed to power through and ride smooth sailing until just now.
I was standing in the shower, as one does, and then after awhile I stopped everything and just stood there. Reminiscing of the past, letting the warm water wash over me as I almost bring myself to tears. Everything flashed before my eyes. All the memories, the text messages, the get togethers, the adventures, all of it. From when S first found out I liked her and she friend zoned me, to each time we got together with our friend group, to hanging out as Fall Break started and I had been ghosted on a potential second date sort of thing with a different girl, to then the more emotionally powerful moments. When I first found out S liked me back, to the warm messages in the next weeks, to saying "I love you", to giving her the pet name of "honey bunches", to being called her "cuddle bunno". Just everything that happened from end of August 2019 to December 2019.
And now it's all just a distant memory that I just wish I could relive. That I wish I could go back in time and really just get my academics in order so that everything would have been different. That I could be with her now even. I found myself wishing that maybe I had just fallen into a coma and that everything I had lived for these past couple of months has been nothing but a very vivid dream as I am comatose. That maybe I could just wake up and then I would be back at Liberty or near enough anyways.
I don't know if I have the strength to ride out each wave as it comes. Because initially I had thought the waves would be small and bearable. But the difference from the first wave to tonight's wave is like comparing a pebble to hill. And I fear that it will only get bigger and worse from here. I know I need to move on and heal. I want to move on and heal. But I don't know if I physically can.
Part of it is because I am uncertain of the future. I had really thought I had a chance to have a relationship with S. That maybe she was "the one" so to speak. So much in common, we had similar likes, similar methods of having fun, it would have been a match made in heaven. Quite honestly, even though at some point we stopped saying "I love you" out of respect for her decision to wait until we were officially dating to say that, I still do love her. I have loved her ever since she said I love you to me. Heck, maybe even before that. And even when we stopped texting it, I still felt the same. I still loved her then, and even now after all that has been done, I still love her. I miss her.
I just don't know if relationships are really for me. Not to make it sound like that if S wasn't it then I'd never try again, but I had gotten closer than I ever have with a girl of interest. I was *this* close. But now I'm no longer a student anywhere. I won't see people my age, and the people I do see are already taken and I just can't figure how I'd ever find a girl who could be the one for me. I don't know if I screwed myself up by getting too emotionally invested too quickly or what. Maybe I'm just too darn clingy.
Like even last night, I went to a banquet and it had been the first time since Christmas Coffeehouse that I had worn my blue suit jacket. In the inside pocket, I had found a Waffle House receipt marked on December 7th, 2019. The time I was at Waffle House with a former best friend and S. When the waitress had assumed that S and I were dating. The time I had felt so many good emotions because that next day, that Saturday was the day S and I had great memories together. Well great in my opinion, I don't know if she still finds memories with me as fondly or not. That Saturday we would get dinner together, then go to Walmart together to get baking supplies, then to Kroger, then to bake cookies together, then to snuggle up next to each other as we watch Polar Express. Then finally to give each other our Christmas gifts. She got me a cute stuffed puppy, who I named Celeste and I still have with me.
I don't know what to do anymore. Why am I even posting this? S will probably see this eventually, and I'll probably ruin her perception of me. She'll probably just see me as some weird clingy creep who she would probably regret ever telling him she loved him. This post is risky, maybe. I hope I don't lose my friendship that I had tried and so far have restored.
Why is this so hard? I thought I could stand up to any challenge set before me either by myself or by the hands of others. Well, I guess the truth is I will fail. And I will fall. I'm nothing.
Gosh, what do I do?
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