You know the saying, "you made your bed, now sleep in it"? Yeah that's what I mean. And if you're wondering where the confliction comes into play, well here it is:
After moments of reminiscing and ending up in a state of feeling down or sad or what have you, there are moments of anger and aggression directed at myself. Stuff such as, "you brought yourself into this situation, now you gotta deal with it". And that kinda stems from ideas and the facts of free will. It was my choice to do whatever I please for the day, but then if the consequences, whether good or bad, were opposite to what I had wanted, I cannot be upset about it because I cannot decide on how things go in the here and now and also choose how things go in the future. I chose to spend more time with friends and having fun in college rather than studying and doing better academically, so I cannot be upset about the way things have transpired in the response to how things changed.
I find myself angry because as I look back, I see so many things I could have done or changed to just have made it better to give me the outcomes I now wish I had. I clearly have the intelligence to be a successful college student, because my first semester ever I had an awful GPA, but then I managed to bring it back to 2.9 from a 0.8 in the second semester. I showed to myself and to everyone else who knew that I have the smarts to get the grades necessary to get through college and even get the degree. My entire second year was wasted time and money as I had not really tried my best the fall semester, and then getting distracted with a new friend group in the spring semester. This past fall semester was the third strike, and now I've struck out. I look back at the semester and I see that the workload wasn't really that much. I could have very easily gotten everything done to a satisfactory if not excelling point to fix the damages I did second year. I could have just made more time to do my readings, take the online quizzes and tests, write my papers. I could have passed everything. I could have lessened the time I spend "trolling" LU Crushes to make sure I get the sleep I need so as to not be tired and want and even skip classes in favor of an extra hour or two of sleep.
The nail in my coffin is time management. I suck at it. And I don't do anything to improve those skills. As a result, I've brought tension and stress upon myself and the friendships I once had. I lost so many good things that I had going for me. I lost my phamily because I pushed them away in my immaturity and anger at the way things were going. It must have been similarly as hard on them or more that I didn't return this semester. Not to say I would've made or break the friend group, but I did bring them together, uniting us under the Liberty Batfamily. I did my best to hang out with all of them on a regular basis, and I typically organized our weekend get togethers.
I don't know if they still feel it that I'm gone. I don't know if they've moved on. I don't know if I should just move on. The Liberty Batman is no more. Well at least for me anyways. You can't be Liberty's Batman if you aren't at Liberty.
This anger and aggression. It's directed at myself. I mean you always are able to analyze and see what could have been done better but only after the fact when all is said and done. Like for a different example, I only was able to examine what I could have done better on my black belt test after I took my test. I guess it's the guilt of knowing I didn't put my best effort out. It's the pain of knowing what it costed me in the end to have the fun now rather than delay it just even a tiny bit.
There were weekends when people were sick and couldn't hang out. That would have been perfect to get work done. But instead I just took the time to find ways to enjoy myself. YouTube, video games, sleeping, hanging out, anything but schoolwork.
And now here I am, regretting everything that I have done that brings me here. I mean I am grateful in a weird way for the lessons I have learned to grow myself, but at this price? I don't think it was worth it.
This is my reality now, though. I made it this way over 2.5 years. I wish I could go back, even to my first day as a college student. To not explain every little detail about things like relationships, whether platonic or romantic, or anything. To just go back and tell 18 year old Geoff, "hey, I know college is a new step for you. You are going to have a lot of fun being semi-independent. You are incredibly intelligent. Just know that these next few years are going to literally be some of the best years of your life. The people you will meet will be good to you. Just be you and remember to do well academically since that is technically your primary objective". If I were able to do that, maybe I wouldn't be blogging so much. But then is that really a bad thing? I'd be happier, I'd have a better sense of direction, because at least with a college degree, I can look for other opportunities. Now I am just lucky to have a job because of happenstance. I am learning a lot now, but I can't see myself here forever. Working a sub shop? There's got to be more for me out there.
I feel guilt. I feel regret. I feel anger. I feel sadness.
I don't feel happy. I don't feel joy. I don't feel God around me.
I feel exhausted. I feel lost. I feel like I could have been doing so many better things.
God, please help me. Send someone to say something, to just be there for me. To grow with me. To just help me find my way. To guide me to trust you more. To seek after You more.
Help.
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