So That's What That Feels Like

So I realize what it really means. There was one time when S and I were hanging out and walking some place and she said that for emotional pains, girls usually feel at it first and then get better over time. And then guys are fine at first then feel it over time.

Well I wasn't fine when it all happened, but I'm feeling the latter part in which I feel all the pains and the hurts now that some time has passed. Last night, I was talking to S and just had to ask if she was still checking the blog. She tells me that she doesn't see me as a creep (see the post titled "Harder Than Expected" for more info). And for whatever reason, I wanted to go re-read that post so I can remember what I exactly wrote.

That was mistake number one. I re-read it and the way I described things made me reminisce once again and then I started feeling the heavy sadness again. I was very close to crying again while I was in the shower. Then as if that weren't enough, I decided to also re-read the one letter I have from her. In it, she addresses me as "dearest", and also wrote "I love you, my dearest". For the second time last night, I was almost brought to tears again, had my brother not come in and I had to hide my feelings and emotions, and put on a mask of "life is good, I'm alright, I'm glad it's Friday".

I don't know how long this will plague me. I don't know how I can properly heal or deal with this. Everywhere I go, I hear about people dating, being happily married, I watch tv and they portray happy relationships, and all of it makes me feel at a low. To want what I could've had now if I weren't so stupid and got kicked out of school. Every time I see or hear about relationships, it hurts me because I've finally gotten as close to dating than ever before, and then it was all ripped away.

What do I do? Is this how it is supposed to be trying to heal from the hurt and the pain that I feel? How much longer will this go on for?

I just fear that I'm letting this get to me too easily. That I'm going to make it incredibly difficult for me to try relationships again because I'm making myself toxic or just not healing properly.

I don't want to try to find ways to just drown the sorrows. I want to deal with it and get a move on. But I feel that I'm becoming more and more drawn to finding coping methods to just drown the pain. And that in and of itself can become dangerous. I know not what I may do.

I'm scared.

I'm hurt.

I just want to heal.