I regret not trying harder in school. I mean I find my job very good at teaching me so many things and I am grateful to have work and grow from the challenges of serving people as well as completing tasks handed to me that seem trivial or below me. I regret my actions and words I have used to shove people away. I regret just being so careless and carefree about life and the world that I have thrown away what could've been a very different Valentine's Day.
I loathe Valentine's Day to the extent that I find bitterness and jealousy. I know that just to have someone for Valentine's Day is no reason to date and to date merely for fun is no reason to date. But I just wish I had a special someone. I could have had a special someone if I weren't so reckless, so lazy.
I find myself clinging onto words said about me when things were so much different. Words like "he's the sweetest guy I know", "how are you this sweet", and even "I love you" or "🤟". Those feelings of being loved were some of the best feelings I ever felt. The electrifying (in a good way) feeling of being with her. Sitting next to her. Holding her hand. Leaning my head into her or her head into me. Hugging her. It all felt so good.
Now I can't have any of it. I mean sure, you could easily argue that "God has someone else planned for you", "she wasn't the one for you", etc. But if that's the case, was I careless in getting emotionally invested? Because I feel hurt about the way things are now. I know I'm just being clingy and should learn to get over it and move on. I know that I couldn't have expected her to try a long distance relationship for pretty much 365 days a year. I just wish there were something I could've done to keep the feelings, the potential relationship, alive and burning strong. I just wish I got to be her boyfriend, and she my girlfriend.
I hurt myself because of the level of emotion I poured into it. It's my fault for not keeping a checks and balances on it. Now I feel like I've broken myself. That I might not be able to try dating or relationships for a long time because I'll just keep thinking of what December 2019 had brought into my life.
I wish I could turn back time. To not just the past fall semester, but to fall 2018. Force myself to have done better at school for that entirety of a year that was ultimately my downfall. I mean the fall 2019 was just the nail in the coffin, but if I had just done even marginally better through 2018-19, I could've been at Liberty now. No fallout, maybe a relationship with someone I found to be so perfect for me.
Even if I restore the best friendship, I don't know if that will help me to heal the damage I caused to myself. Because being in contact with her might invoke memories of the times when we had a mutual attraction to one another. To when we had so many plans that it was going to be amazing. I know I can't ask her to just try anyways. If she feels like God closed this door, I cannot tell her otherwise. I cannot blame her because what am I to do? If she needs a shoulder to cry on, and I'm at least 6.5-7 hours away? If she needs a hug, same distance. If she gets sick, who's going to care for her? Okay side note, I mean like as a guy should care for his girlfriend if she gets sick.
I know I shouldn't be praying "oh God, please make it that some day it could still work". I shouldn't be hoping that maybe after she finishes at Liberty that she would maybe try to rekindle the feelings for me. I shouldn't even be clinging onto this as long as I have been and still do.
What do I do? Where do I go? To whom do I turn to? I feel lost, I am hurt, and I regret so much. I wish for so much. I am too clingy. I need to let go and move on, but I find that I stop myself.
Why am I like this?
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