Maybe the reason why I am clingy or holding on to the pain and wishing for what could have been so much is because I keep dwelling on it. And as I dwell on it more and more, I find that my brain will come up with ways for me to strengthen those feelings of wanting something different than what has been dealt to me. Maybe I tricked myself into becoming too clingy, too hurt over everything. So perhaps it would be worthwhile for me to try being more positive, looking for the good in all that has occurred and start looking forwards to the next day, the next hour, the next minute.
I don't know how fast I can get this whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing to work, but if psychology is at least somewhat true, it's worth a shot to try to continue to bring myself out of darkness, out of hurt, out of pain. If I choose to just mull in my time of hurt whenever it shows up, of course I will never heal, I will never get better, I will never get over it. But if I choose to not become stagnant in those times and choose to find something greater and more productive for myself, then perhaps I can change for the better.
Now, as for the second title because I'm condensing this into one post (and also this is the last post of the month, merely just so I can have the blog display "69" for the posts in February, so in every state of mind, I am a meme), what is love? Then insert the song reference.
As I seek to become more optimistic in an attempt to try to heal myself and get better as well as get over the pain and the hurt and the feelings, I realize that there is still some good that comes out of it all.
Had I not gotten close to, shall we call her "S", then I would have never really known what it meant to love someone who wasn't family. Previous crushes had just been, well, crushes. An infatuation mostly with their looks and partly because of some aspect of their personality. But then I never really knew any of them that well (save for a few in high school but those don't matter anymore). So it was just an infatuation with their appearance that attracted me.
At that time, I wouldn't have known what it truly meant to be a boyfriend. All I wanted back then was to be in a relationship, because it was something I had not experienced before and pressure from culture made me feel like I needed to have one.
Now I realize some deeper truths to it. That being in a relationship is not just a "oh we're boyfriend/girlfriend" sort of thing. There are multiple levels to it that help make it successful and everything. The committment to one another as you make yourself committed to being there for one another. Then the level of sacrifice. Not to say that sacrifice is bad, but just that not only do you have to care for yourself, you also have to care for your significant other. When they are sick, when they are happy, when they are sad, when they are lonely, when they are whatever emotion you could think of, you need to care for them. You need to give up time, energy, resources, anything to make sure that your significant other is cared for. Although not to say you should worship them and drop everything for them, but there's a level of sacrificing that needs to be done.
Then there's the part of loving the person. Back then, I never would have understood this. But now I understand it better although I probably have plenty to learn still. To love someone you got to love them in their entirety. You can't just love them for their pretty face. You can't just love the parts about them that are good. You have to love their everything. Their highs and their lows, their peaks and their valleys, their pros and their cons. You have to love their personality and the way they behave and treat others. To love someone is a major step and a huge emotional investment and development.
Did I love S? Yes, yes I did. Or at least I think I did based off of how I now understand what it means to love someone outside the family. To love a family member is relatively easy for me. I know that some families don't get along with each other, which is kinda sad, but for me it's easy. To love someone who isn't family is where I have a lot to learn.
Then there's the next part as I motion to move on. Do I regret loving S because of the pain I now have for losing my chance with her? No, I don't regret it. Yes it sucks that I cannot have the more I once hoped for and was so close to having even. But if I hadn't loved her, I wouldn't know these things about love and caring for another who isn't myself nor a sibling. To be ready to spend time sending texts of encouragement, to bringing medicine and food when she's sick. To just care for someone other than myself.
It will definitely take me a lot of time to recuperate and heal my broken heart. It won't be overnight. It might not even been next week or next month. It's getting close to a month since the brokenness had started, but again, if I stick to the negative aspects, then I will always feel sour about it. I will never get better and it might risk me turning sour towards S. I had managed to salvage a friendship, and I cannot risk to throw that away because I chose to not heal. It's a choice now for me to decide if I will wallow in my pain, in my hurt, and not have growth from this. Everything was and is a learning process.
There were so many great things and great feelings about thinking of a future with S, sure. But then there is so much I have learned. She helps me strive closer to God, and she encourages me even with everything that has been said and done. I am thankful for her and I am thankful she is supportive of me, to have shown me grace and forgiveness because the Father has shown us all grace and forgiveness.
So now we move on. I can choose to stay in this hurt state, or I can start a new day. A new dawn. To rise from the ashes. To take up my new name. To shake off my old chains. My best life is up ahead with the Lord Almighty. I can choose to see everything negatively, or I can choose to learn from everything and go forward. Time and quite frankly everyone else is moving forward. Will I stagnate and be left behind in the dust, as everyone else continues to run the race? Or will I persevere and keep on running the race that God has set before me?
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us".
Hebrews 12:1 NIV
Will I let myself continue to be hindered, or will I run wild, live free, and love strong?
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