Lost

I just feel so lost right now.

Earlier today, I felt good about my life. Having a job, so it feels like my days have purpose and that I'm contributing to society (both through taxes and because I get to help serve people their food). Having a consistent aikido training schedule so that I can do something that I sometimes wonder if it's a newfound passion for.

But then sometimes, when I'm left all alone, I get stuck with my thoughts. I was only home alone for maybe 20 minutes, and then that's when I just felt all of this sense of being lost. It's a combination of just wondering what my true purpose on Earth is, and then just still trying to cope with the pains that I've caused myself.

I've not made any progress with anything. I've stumbled once again over the same stumbling blocks I've struggled with so many times. I don't know if that's because of my own perceived loneliness or if it's because I've fallen too far back into my more secular lifestyles. My coping methods for when I find myself sad or lonely are just full of temporary satisfaction, wherever I can get it. Whether productive, unproductive, creative, or destructive. I just have so many problems that I don't bring out into the light to deal with.

I keep on talking about how I've changed, how I've made myself better. In some regards, yes that's true. I've learned from my mistakes and am making strides to better myself, but then there's also areas I've regressed. Like I said, I've been recently stumbling on stumbling blocks that have plagued me for the past 5 1/2, sadly going on 6 years. I struggle so much, but my pride gets in the way of seeking help. The image of myself is getting in the way of seeking healing.

I need help. I need to heal. I'm lingering too much in my past. I can't move on. I'm angry at something, but I don't know what. Is it that I'm angry at myself? Angry at my circumstances? What causes me to not move on?

I find that I hate myself. Hate because I've gone back to where I thought I had grown from; walked away from. Hate because I'm not even close to half the man nor half the Christian I claim to be. I hate myself because on social media like Facebook I post/share the posts by TobyMac about all these different Christian things or sayings to encourage myself and others. To kind of show others I'm not afraid to share posts that exclaim the faith I claim to. To the God I always claim to worship and hold at most high. Yet I don't even listen to half the things I share.

I feel so lost in life. I guess this is sort of a desperation call. I'm broken and I don't know how to pull myself back together. Even if I can bring all my pieces together, it's only a matter of a time before I fall apart again. I have no way of securing my brokenness down so that I can become whole. I cannot move on until I am whole. But I also cannot be waiting until I am whole to move on.

I need help. I need someone to talk to. Someone to reach out and let me know things are going to be okay. To let me know there's still a plan for my life. I already know that these things are true because otherwise the Lord could take me home to heaven whenever He wanted to. But as long as I wake up on earth, there must be something. It's hard. I know I need to trust God, trust His plan and His timing. I need to trust Him entirely to heal me of my pain, my hurt, my suffering. I need to trust He will carry me out of darkness into the light, to carry me when my strength and endurance fails and I cannot bring myself to push onwards.

But I can't find that strength; I can't find that trust. I want something to make sense, but nothing makes sense. I feel so alone, so hopeless. Abandoned with no ray of hope; no ray of sunshine to remind me that the darkness only lasts for so long before the day breaks. No eye of the storm in sight to calm the raging seas and the roaring storm that obscures my vision and my sense of direction. No way to tell what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go, or why I'm still here on earth.

Please. Someone help me.

I am lost.

I am alone.

I have no more strength.

I can't push on anymore.

Help me.

Please.

I need hope, I need support, but know not where to find either.

I'm so close to giving up.

Is this the end?