Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum

Before I begin, let's get some clarifications on a term:

Okay? Okay.

Before you get through this and think I'm better than this: you're right but you're also wrong. I was going to let this pass, but I cannot. I tried to think it over before constructing this idea to write it out. I tried to be rational (for once), but yet I have failed and I have been consumed by my lesser qualities. With that out of the way, let's begin.

If you've been around here for awhile, you'll know that I use this space to express my feelings at a given moment. You'll also know what things make me tick, and what things I find passion for. You'll continue on to know I used this space as a healing space for when I felt alone and lost in the world when I thought I caught a break so to speak in the relationship department, but yet it was ultimately a flop, paired with the stoppage of schooling and the start of the pandemic in 2020, what else or where else was I to go to, or to whom was I supposed to talk to?

Relationships has been iffy for me. I've barely been in one, and it's a struggle for me to try to find someone to date because of self-confidence issues, struggling with body image, and mostly just not really putting myself out there. It's not as bad as it once was, I'm a little more easygoing with the ebb and the flow of crushes developing, fading, and discovering new ones.

And that's where the trouble begins... apparently.

Over the last couple of years, I would have taken a fairly active role in a discord server/community. I would be active, post memes, joke around, make friends with the people that have been there, play games, and make memories. Overall, I can't say I'd ever really regret the time I spent in either one I was formerly a part of. You may be asking, formerly? Well, yes, because I would have spurts where I shut down and click to "leave" the server until I was ready to rejoin and get back in. And I think I've exhausted that option to the point of no return. No matter, if that's the case then so be it.

The most recent one I had left and seemingly for good because I had expressed a higher point in my day yesterday that my current crush was being polite and thanked me for coming in early so she could go off to her next job. In my commentary recapping my day, I inserted a little joke about asking her out, to which it turned into a sudden "you should leave her alone, she's probably too polite to say no" etc. It was something out of left field and it was sort of stunning as to why I cannot jest about my day or just share a highlight of my day when I did nothing special. It was just nice to be recognized/acknowledged, but I guess it came off wrong apparently.

So I left the server, not thinking anything of it. I figured I can't say something stupid if I am not part of it. Can't screw up if there's nothing to screw up.

Went along my day today, early morning shift, then hit the gym afterwards. I was checking Twitter in between sets, and find a tweet on the server owner's "personal" twitter that technically never mentioned me, but was a very clear passive aggressive remark about me. I mean, she had to have known I had followed her still at the time.

Okay, sure maybe because I would be the first to run and tell about any positive or good interaction to the people whom I thought I could call friends but I guess that comes off as I'm obsessed with this girl I like.

The other note I'd like to make is that my departure(s) from the server are seen as tantrums. Okay, bet, let's light this candle then, shall we? Are we not going to talk about the time YOU hid every chat channel in the server because "I wasn't in the right headspace"? Oh, is that not a tantrum? Oh so if you do something for your mental health, it's yippee-ki-yay, but if I do something for my mental health it's "he's having a tantrum." Got it. At least we know how this works now.

Now you (the reader) might be thinking, whoa now is that called for? And maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but let's continue.

When I saw the tweet, I was trying to figure out how I wanted to address it. Because it was obviously done to get my attention but simultaneously in a way that was cowardly and non-confrontational. I mean sure, leaving the server is similarly cowardly and non-confrontational, but I'm not blasting other people on social media (well I guess I am now) and then sweeping it under the rug of "it's my personal account, I can post whatever I want." Okay. Duly noted.

Eventually I had decided I'd try to settle it amicably and do it the civil way of trying to have an adult conversation.

I had tried to initially express my concerns regarding just seeing a tweet go out. And again for the umpteenth time, it never mentioned me in any way directly, but it was done to jab at me (which worked, I suppose).

So I'm the only one who has growing up to do, yet you hid behind a so-called private/personal account to just light a flame and think the fire wasn't going to bite back? You claim that I never came to talk to you after my departure, yet you never came to talk to me before going "hm, this is something I want to tweet about."

Then there's the claim I'm supposedly acting as if I did no wrong here. I never said I was innocent, never claimed to be, and knew I never was. So what's this projection for? The messages are right there, if you cannot read them or chose to read select few words because supposedly you're ADHD, then fine choose to think whatever you want of me. It's clear I was never going to change your mind.

As far as "constantly talking or thinking about her" that's totally untrue and unfounded. Sure I did talk a fair amount about her, but nowhere near the same extent I would talk about the gym, or Batman, etc. How do you get to be the one who decides what I am or am not obsessed about? If anyone ever has gotten it on the head about what I am obsessed about, it'd be the Batman. Clearly you don't know me as well as you think you do.

All of this and still I do not know how being happy about nice interactions makes me obsessive to an unhealthy degree, and to then make me a "walking red flag." Let me remind you this "walking red flag" was there when you ABANDONED your job interview because you froze up and claim you had an anxiety attack midway through. This walking red flag was there to support you through that and to support you when people were on the rise of "coming after you" when you recounted your story about your abuser. This walking red flag was there to support you and wish you well when you were getting all up in your head because of your living conditions with your landlord. But you know, I guess being supportive and being appreciative for positive feedback is unhealthy obsession and is something that should be avoided from a guy.

This is post is dwindling in everything and becoming more and more degenerate and stooping down to her level of bashing me online. With this post I am no better than she, but I need to defend myself because even after trying to hash it out in private messages, she removed me as a follower so as to remove my ability to contact her. So who really is the one who's running away and trying to not make or maintain contact? You wanted this.

There is no proof that I am constantly messaging my crush, and that I'm being too forward with her or x, y, and z that you claim. You never knew it because I never said it, but I actually had a conversation with her on her stance back at the beginning of September. The last time I tried to ask her out to something was tail end of September, and figured that that was the last time I would ask her to anything until she initiated. But of course, I'm obsessive.

Needless to say, not every single detail was broadcast to the people of that discord community, because it wasn't necessary. If I had done that, then sure you could call me obsessive. But if I celebrate the good parts and want to share about it, and you label me as an unhealthily obsessed person, you can go to hell.

Is this what you wanted? Because by blasting me and then retreating so you can hide away and tweet who knows what that I can't see it, who really has the moral high ground? It sure ain't me, but I sure as hell know it definitely ain't you either.

Si vis pacem, para bellum