Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum

Before I begin, let's get some clarifications on a term:

Okay? Okay.

Before you get through this and think I'm better than this: you're right but you're also wrong. I was going to let this pass, but I cannot. I tried to think it over before constructing this idea to write it out. I tried to be rational (for once), but yet I have failed and I have been consumed by my lesser qualities. With that out of the way, let's begin.

If you've been around here for awhile, you'll know that I use this space to express my feelings at a given moment. You'll also know what things make me tick, and what things I find passion for. You'll continue on to know I used this space as a healing space for when I felt alone and lost in the world when I thought I caught a break so to speak in the relationship department, but yet it was ultimately a flop, paired with the stoppage of schooling and the start of the pandemic in 2020, what else or where else was I to go to, or to whom was I supposed to talk to?

Relationships has been iffy for me. I've barely been in one, and it's a struggle for me to try to find someone to date because of self-confidence issues, struggling with body image, and mostly just not really putting myself out there. It's not as bad as it once was, I'm a little more easygoing with the ebb and the flow of crushes developing, fading, and discovering new ones.

And that's where the trouble begins... apparently.

Over the last couple of years, I would have taken a fairly active role in a discord server/community. I would be active, post memes, joke around, make friends with the people that have been there, play games, and make memories. Overall, I can't say I'd ever really regret the time I spent in either one I was formerly a part of. You may be asking, formerly? Well, yes, because I would have spurts where I shut down and click to "leave" the server until I was ready to rejoin and get back in. And I think I've exhausted that option to the point of no return. No matter, if that's the case then so be it.

The most recent one I had left and seemingly for good because I had expressed a higher point in my day yesterday that my current crush was being polite and thanked me for coming in early so she could go off to her next job. In my commentary recapping my day, I inserted a little joke about asking her out, to which it turned into a sudden "you should leave her alone, she's probably too polite to say no" etc. It was something out of left field and it was sort of stunning as to why I cannot jest about my day or just share a highlight of my day when I did nothing special. It was just nice to be recognized/acknowledged, but I guess it came off wrong apparently.

So I left the server, not thinking anything of it. I figured I can't say something stupid if I am not part of it. Can't screw up if there's nothing to screw up.

Went along my day today, early morning shift, then hit the gym afterwards. I was checking Twitter in between sets, and find a tweet on the server owner's "personal" twitter that technically never mentioned me, but was a very clear passive aggressive remark about me. I mean, she had to have known I had followed her still at the time.

Okay, sure maybe because I would be the first to run and tell about any positive or good interaction to the people whom I thought I could call friends but I guess that comes off as I'm obsessed with this girl I like.

The other note I'd like to make is that my departure(s) from the server are seen as tantrums. Okay, bet, let's light this candle then, shall we? Are we not going to talk about the time YOU hid every chat channel in the server because "I wasn't in the right headspace"? Oh, is that not a tantrum? Oh so if you do something for your mental health, it's yippee-ki-yay, but if I do something for my mental health it's "he's having a tantrum." Got it. At least we know how this works now.

Now you (the reader) might be thinking, whoa now is that called for? And maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but let's continue.

When I saw the tweet, I was trying to figure out how I wanted to address it. Because it was obviously done to get my attention but simultaneously in a way that was cowardly and non-confrontational. I mean sure, leaving the server is similarly cowardly and non-confrontational, but I'm not blasting other people on social media (well I guess I am now) and then sweeping it under the rug of "it's my personal account, I can post whatever I want." Okay. Duly noted.

Eventually I had decided I'd try to settle it amicably and do it the civil way of trying to have an adult conversation.

I had tried to initially express my concerns regarding just seeing a tweet go out. And again for the umpteenth time, it never mentioned me in any way directly, but it was done to jab at me (which worked, I suppose).

So I'm the only one who has growing up to do, yet you hid behind a so-called private/personal account to just light a flame and think the fire wasn't going to bite back? You claim that I never came to talk to you after my departure, yet you never came to talk to me before going "hm, this is something I want to tweet about."

Then there's the claim I'm supposedly acting as if I did no wrong here. I never said I was innocent, never claimed to be, and knew I never was. So what's this projection for? The messages are right there, if you cannot read them or chose to read select few words because supposedly you're ADHD, then fine choose to think whatever you want of me. It's clear I was never going to change your mind.

As far as "constantly talking or thinking about her" that's totally untrue and unfounded. Sure I did talk a fair amount about her, but nowhere near the same extent I would talk about the gym, or Batman, etc. How do you get to be the one who decides what I am or am not obsessed about? If anyone ever has gotten it on the head about what I am obsessed about, it'd be the Batman. Clearly you don't know me as well as you think you do.

All of this and still I do not know how being happy about nice interactions makes me obsessive to an unhealthy degree, and to then make me a "walking red flag." Let me remind you this "walking red flag" was there when you ABANDONED your job interview because you froze up and claim you had an anxiety attack midway through. This walking red flag was there to support you through that and to support you when people were on the rise of "coming after you" when you recounted your story about your abuser. This walking red flag was there to support you and wish you well when you were getting all up in your head because of your living conditions with your landlord. But you know, I guess being supportive and being appreciative for positive feedback is unhealthy obsession and is something that should be avoided from a guy.

This is post is dwindling in everything and becoming more and more degenerate and stooping down to her level of bashing me online. With this post I am no better than she, but I need to defend myself because even after trying to hash it out in private messages, she removed me as a follower so as to remove my ability to contact her. So who really is the one who's running away and trying to not make or maintain contact? You wanted this.

There is no proof that I am constantly messaging my crush, and that I'm being too forward with her or x, y, and z that you claim. You never knew it because I never said it, but I actually had a conversation with her on her stance back at the beginning of September. The last time I tried to ask her out to something was tail end of September, and figured that that was the last time I would ask her to anything until she initiated. But of course, I'm obsessive.

Needless to say, not every single detail was broadcast to the people of that discord community, because it wasn't necessary. If I had done that, then sure you could call me obsessive. But if I celebrate the good parts and want to share about it, and you label me as an unhealthily obsessed person, you can go to hell.

Is this what you wanted? Because by blasting me and then retreating so you can hide away and tweet who knows what that I can't see it, who really has the moral high ground? It sure ain't me, but I sure as hell know it definitely ain't you either.

Si vis pacem, para bellum

The Rekindling

 I had once thought that I am pretty bad at the whole moving on thing, but some people are just crazy and out of their minds. Now I guess in some departments, e.g. relationships, I can get clingy and I can just get all up in my own head and not move on from one crush to another for good lengths of time.

This is not a fun post that I am writing.

I'll start with a recap:

If you've been around the blog, you'll know that over a year ago, about 12.5 to 13 months ago in specific, I was fired from job that I had working at a local Jersey Mike's Subs. It was a bit of a mess, considering my former boss had tried to pin it on abandonment of my job and apparently had claimed I suddenly died and thought that calling the police to check my house the day after I got fired was the right move.

Anyways, after all that time, I had remembered that I still had a loyalty rewards account for the corporation as a whole, so since we were out to get some errands done, on our way home we had figured "eh, why not use up some of these points for lunch."

This is where the "fun" begins

Prior to today, I had suspected that since I signed up on the loyalty account under my real name, that if I ever ordered online and used my points that somehow there'd be trouble if I happened by the store I used to work at. Now I guess I always could just go to another store it doesn't have to have been the one I worked at, but for convenience's sake it just is. I had gone into the app and changed the name to Bruce Wayne, and the app displayed that name, so I figured no harm no foul, I'm sure there are actually people named Bruce Wayne out there and not just Batman.

I placed my order to redeem some points, and it says the order will be under my real name. I immediately got a sinking feeling but thought, "hey maybe they won't say anything, I'll just get my food and go. No one will recognize me or maybe I can get my brother to go in if I'm not comfortable and don't want to talk to anyone." Then just my luck as we are pulling up to the store, I see a guy I had occasionally worked with since he's technically "from corporate" (his dad is high up there so I don't really know what this guy's role is, but point is I've seen him plenty of times). And since I'm sitting in the front seat, he sees me through the windshield, and it looks like he was directing us to a parking spot, even though there was plenty of spots to park at.

Initially I didn't want to talk to him. So my brother gets out of the car to go get the food (which apparently they didn't bother to make until they confronted me, but that's something we didn't realize until later), and the "corporate guy" walks up to the passenger side of the car. I figured at this point, I might as well try to be amicable and not be rude, so I unbuckle and hop out of the car to just chat for a bit while I figured it'd be 2 minutes and then we're on our way.

The conversation started off friendly. Just a "hey how are you doing" and stuff like that. Then there was mention "oh the crew you used to work with, yeah they're all gone now" so I just nodded my head and was like "wow really? That's interesting." Sort short responses but enough so that no one can say I'm not doing my part. Then this guy thinks that it's a prime time to start interrogating me. He asks things like "so what's going on? Why did you leave? Who was your animosity towards? Because I'm trying to look out for you, but I'm also trying to look out for the company. I know you and know that you didn't earn a single one of these points." Once I heard all this line of questioning, I cut him off and said "I think we're done here." He took it to another level and started saying, "look man, if you want to play dumb, I can play dumb too. You claim to not remember any of the details from a year ago but that's bullshit. I'm going to call up corporate and get them to shut down your account."

At this point he's still too close so I told him "get out" and pointed away from me. Now I guess that phrasing doesn't make sense, but it became an adrenaline rush. My mom sees that something isn't right through the car window, so she opens the door and asks what the problem is, and corporate guy thinks this is me hiding behind my mom so he throws out fighting words, saying "your son is a big and strong guy, let him fight his own battles." It sounded to me that he was trying to size me up, but physically this guy is shorter and smaller than me. Even with that being the case, I knew that legally I cannot strike someone until they strike first. And I don't want a physical altercation if I can help it.

He starts walking back to go inside the store and says he's going to call the cops on us for being there, despite no one asking us to leave. In the heat of the moment I shout at him "fuck outta here" and he's like "oh yeah big tough guy now, aren't you." He proceeds to go take a picture of me standing next to our vehicle and says, "yup, just getting a picture so I can show the crew to never serve you." Sure he's allowed to do that, but clearly he's trying to get a rise out of me. He would retreat into the store for a little bit, at which point from what I heard the store manager is saying he wasn't going to get involved, but is refusing to make our food and is arguing with my mom since she got out of the car in pursuit to make sure they stand down.

Some minutes go by and I see corporate guy come back out and he's calling someone and starts to describe my mom saying what I thought I heard was "a crazy Asian lady" so I shout at him "yeah real tough, trash talking my mom while you're hiding out here." He claims he was calling the cops. Shortly thereafter, my mom started to call the cops as well because this was getting out of hand.

Corporate guy finishes the call and says to me, "I didn't want it to get this far" which is ridiculous so I retorted with, "YOU took it this far. If you want us to leave, just give us our food and we'll go."

Time continues onward, and the cops show up. Two patrol cars show up, with an officer in one and a sergeant in the other. They start asking questions to corporate guy and also start talking to my mom and my brother. Eventually they made their way to the car, where I had been sitting because I had figured stepping into the store was not a good idea and I should disengage. So when the officer got to me, I stepped out of the vehicle, handed him my ID when asked, kept my hands in front of me and visible, and answered all of the questions he had for me. Then the sergeant eventually made his way around and the two cops pieced together all that they could think they'd need.

It became a very long and drawn out event that could've just been a few minutes of grabbing food and going. If they didn't want me to come back, they could've simply made the order, then said to me to never come back, and that would've been that. But they wanted a fight. They wanted to instigate something then try to turn it around and say I started something. The exact same thing that happened a year ago: starting an issue one way, then backtracking and getting the police involved so that they can metaphorically wash their hands of the situation.

The verdict ended up being that the cops deemed me to be a levelheaded guy and that this was ultimately just a verbal altercation that escalated. They saw that no crimes were committed and were saying that corporate guy was trying to claim I had frauded and added points to my account which the cop said was not in their jurisdiction. They said that we were trespassed and that we were no longer allowed at that location. The cop had said, "look we don't want to see good people get in unnecessary trouble, so just stay away from here and if you want Jersey Mike's just go to another store." I'm hoping that means a bit more in our favor that the cops sees us as the logical people, but since it technically is a private business, they do have to enforce a trespass if issued.

To think that this all started because I just wanted some lunch. I'm not entirely sure what power trip both the corporate guy and the store manager was going on, but whatever the case may be, I guess what are we to do now? I suppose first and foremost is to not eat at Jersey Mike's, at least not that location. And I guess we'll see if they do try to shut down my rewards account. I guess if they do, it's not the end of the world and sure I'll lose 4900 some odd points, but if they don't then I'll just use the points elsewhere.

Needless to say, this was not at all how I thought my Wednesday was going to go, but what can we do? Some people go on unnecessary power trips because they think they can. Some people hold grudges for so much longer than I think is necessary. But why do you have it out for me when I was fired? Saying I screwed up the store when it happened, but okay who's idea was it again to fire me? Oh yeah, not the corporate guy, but the owner of that franchise.

After all this time, I had thought all of this chaos was water under the bridge. There had better not be some repeat involving these people ever again. They started the mess a year ago, they continue it a year later. Next year had better be scot-free of this madness.

Limited Time

 I guess it should come as no surprise that sometimes time is quite limited and that the little bit of time you can get to yourself, you want to enjoy for yourself.

Okay, you got me, I'm referencing a rather specific note, but the idea of this post is that I'm discovering the reality of "adult life" and that sometimes this is just how it is. Ultimately, this post is in an attempt to help quell the mind and put at rest some thoughts that would otherwise kick into overthinking mode.

As of this past Sunday, I technically now work 6 days in a row. The caveat being that Mondays and Wednesdays, I "only" work 3 to 3.5 hours on those days, so it's not like I'm committing the entire day to work. But just the idea that I'm at my place of work 6 out of the 7 days a week is still a fair share of time to put in.

On top of that, Mondays through Fridays, I've so far managed to keep myself hitting the gym and usually that's about an hour to an hour and a half (on some days). Then to so-called add insult to injury, I'm starting up school (finally) with a late start on the semester (for whatever reason, I'm not entirely sure) and while I "only" have two classes a week (for now), that's still a commitment on Monday mornings and a lengthy commitment on Thursday evenings.

Factoring everything in, I'm fairly busy either due to work, school, or working out. Thursdays are totally shot, I have everything just set enough for me to go to work, hit the gym for an hour or so after, go home make something to eat, then drive out to class, and even if class ends early, that's a 12 hour run right there. Even just work, school, and exercise already starts to put me up at around high 40s to almost 50 hours of time commitment. Out of 168 hours a week, that's a fairly large chunk. That's not counting any other meals, sleep, etc. I get up on average about an hour and a half before work so I can eat breakfast, so there goes another 7-8 hours, and I average probably around 7 hours of sleep a night (hopefully haha) so there's another 49 hours. As far as actual amount of time that I'd maybe have to myself, that drops down to maybe somewhere like 40-48 hours a week.

I'm not doing exact or precise calculations. I didn't account for the time I'd spend showering daily, or eating dinner with the family almost daily (which tends to take a fair share of time, at least an hour per night on the nights everyone is home). But I suppose that ultimately, I still have a decent amount of time, although I would rather take it for myself. To mindlessly scroll social media, maybe watch some YouTube or shows on Disney+, etc.

Editor's Note: Yeah it's been 5 days since I actually started writing this, so just goes to add on to the whole idea that time is short sometimes, but alas I am back and now we shall try to continue the post if I can remember what my original train of thought was...

What I'm getting at is that there are times in which I wish some things or others could or would work a certain way. In particular, I would hope that a relationship could possibly be in the works of developing and becoming something. But as it would seem, the other party is quite busy, probably even busier (actually definitely busier) than me for the fact that she works two jobs. I mean when I briefly talked to her about it a few days ago, she said she "only" does 4 days at the same place I work, but then I can say almost for certain she has another job during the "workweek" so she's still doing a ton of work.

I have to wonder if it is simply just time constraints and the lack of free time is what is the major stoppage for why I haven't gotten that coffee date that I thought I was going to get and had planned for back in mid-August. To an extent, I'm hoping that it's just because she happened to get busy and that's why it hasn't happened but that maybe something is possible still. And I know that from an outsider's point of view, it's not looking good. That I should drop it and also the fact that it may even appear that she's "conveniently" too busy to get a coffee with me. But I remember that before I had her number and was just casually chatting with her that she mentioned this other job she was going to do, and how she would "occasionally help out" at the place I work at. Did I realize it was going to be to this extent? No. Of course not. Had I known that, and if I really wanted that coffee, I would've even suggested to move it up a couple of hours so that she could've still gotten to the things she needed to do, and also it kind of makes more sense to drink coffee earlier on in the day rather than at noon. But of course hindsight is always 20/20.

It's tough to say and as time goes on, some friends and family who are in on all the details are just saying for me to drop it. And as much as it sucks to do, I know that there's really nothing else I can do. I've already tried offering up different days that could work, I tried to see if she'd be down to go to a harvest fest at a near-ish botanical garden, but she didn't reply to that. I guess all that I can do is just sit back, and hope that if she meant it when she replied "yeah sounds fun!" to my text asking if she would be down to grab coffee (the initial/original text) that if/when she's ready or has more time, that she'd text me. I mean she has my number, she knows how to reach me. She could even DM me on instagram since we follow each other there. So it shouldn't be impossible to contact me if she wanted to. And even if she does contact me, and while there are some things or people that say that whomever asks should pay for the date, I don't even care about that, I'd pay for it all (within reason of course). If money is an issue, I'll figure it out and take the check/bill.

I guess that I've done my fair share of trying to chase her, and that if something is to happen, that she would put some effort into some degree of a chase in return. But I guess I have to assume that maybe things aren't going to work out in that manner, so I should move on.

Ultimately, I'm getting busy myself with various things so it's not like I really have many free days to just at the drop of a bell I can go and do something with someone. And maybe that's okay. Maybe I'm meant to just do my own thing right now. Be it you believe in a higher power or otherwise the universe arranging things, maybe I'm meant to just wait it out and see. The other thing is that if I were to leave it to the universe or higher power, I saw this from a post just a day or two ago:

So it just makes me wonder: I've not technically been outright denied, but I also haven't really been taken on/accepted. Is it just a delay that is unforeseen for how long it may take? And the only other thing is that I keep seeing people or places or hear about names that share the name with the girl's first name. And I think I already mentioned in a previous post (but if not here we are) that those names would've been there anyways and I only notice it now because of my interest in said girl. But it just seems so frequent that the name comes up. Even tonight, in class, we were talking about different laws and the like, and without really connecting all the details because I don't think it's really the best of connections, but basically a person we took some notes on almost shared every letter (and in order too) of her last name, save for the first letter. And now that's just some dumb overanalyzing but just a note on how quick my mind is to find a way to relate back to her.

All in all, I guess I should do as the image says and just sit calmly in my season of waiting. Maybe I am indeed in a season of waiting as I navigate my semester and all of my work shifts and finding the time to keep up with my physical health. Maybe for all I know this could even take until the summer when I'd be off from school and maybe can change my work schedule. I don't know, but all I do know is that I got to do what I have accepted for work and for school, and just stay on top of it all. And from there I just got to trust that if things are meant to be that they'll be meant to be.