Am I Still Worthy?

 Perhaps I'm just exaggerating, but I cannot help but shake this feeling of if I am worthy of other people's time. I'll make this semi-quick (maybe).

So if you read the last post, you'll know that I was supposed to have a first date with a girl whom I thought is pretty. Well, that's assuming she knows I am leaning more towards seeing it as a date, but I guess technically all I did was ask her to grab some coffee, so that could be seen as just two friends grabbing coffee together. My only rationale for assuming it's more date-like is because I'm a guy and haven't known for long and I can't say I know too often of times where a guy asks a girl to go anywhere to do something without some intention of dating. I mean not to say that two friends cannot platonically and simply grab coffee, so I guess there might be a chance she views it as a platonic meet up. Without sidetracking too much and whether or not this coffee thing is a "date", it didn't happen due to a conflict of timing with other events in her life. She had asked for a "rain check" and of course what was I to say? And naturally, now that she's said the phrase "rain check", that phrase is popping up more around me and I caught it in a random episode of Law & Order SVU, which only reminded me that I didn't have this coffee.

The other instance is not so gray about relationships, as I was supposed to go out with one of my best friends from high school to grab some grub since it was his birthday a week ago and I had wanted to hang out last week but he was busy until this weekend. It had seemed that originally the plans were to meet on a Friday when I had asked earlier this week if he preferred Friday evening or Saturday. Then come 5 p.m. by the time we had figured what kind of place we wanted to grab food from, he texts me informing me that he has to reschedule to tomorrow, around the same time. I mean I guess on the one hand it at least was settled time and place of where to go tomorrow, so there is that, whereas the coffee or whatever it is I might end up doing with the girl I like is still coffee as nothing has been planned. Honestly, I wouldn't mind changing from coffee and doing something else, but I just want to do something with her.

Anyways, I guess it's only two instances of rescheduling plans, but maybe it's just compounded because I had really looked forward to that coffee and had been looking forward to it for the week and a half or so that had elapsed since originally planning it. Again, I don't know if she knows I intend for it to be a date,  because in technicality I actually don't know her relationship status, but I suppose one would assume that if she were dating someone else, she would've mentioned that when I sent my original text inquiring if she'd be down to grab some coffee.

In the end, I guess whatever the case may be, I just have to wait until tomorrow to see my friend, and as far as the other rescheduling, just be cool and wait until she returns from her vacation that she's going on tomorrow and then see what the options are. I'm half wondering if I should drop things because I've texted her here and there since she said she had to reschedule, and the conversation isn't as flowing but then it's hard to compare because on the one weekend I was texting her a bunch, it was simply the weekend and I was free to chat whenever I could, whereas during the workweek, I'm at work and she's at work, and we're off doing our own things so it becomes harder for texting frequency to remain up. That and I'm also unsure of what to do since some of her replies have been shorter than initial replies say a week ago, but it could just be that she's busy trying to pack and get ready to go. I guess time will tell what everything is looking like when she comes back from vacation.

Patience, Young Padawan

 Funny how the world works sometimes, now isn't it?

It was just 3 days ago that I had written a post (finally) about how I have been texting this girl I like a bunch and eventually texted to ask her out to coffee, to which she surprisingly said yes to. That coffee was originally set for tomorrow, August 17th, at noon, so that we both don't feel pressured to rush anything and can take some time if wanted, but also have enough time for the both of us to head back to our homes and get ready for work at 3 p.m.

Operative word here being "originally"

To my mild dismay, she texted yesterday, Monday, August 15th, that she said she forgot about an appointment she has in the middle of the day on Wednesday and she can't reschedule the appointment before she leaves for her family vacation on Saturday, August 20th, so she asked "can [she] have a rain check" and that we can figure something out. I told her not to worry about the coffee and just to get everything all settled since her vacation is imminent and while I don't know what kind of appointment it is (nor is it really my place to ask) I assume that if it is important for vacation prep, then she should and must prioritize herself rather than grab coffee with a guy she knew for like a month at best.

I mean what else was I supposed to say? It's not like it was really a question and more of just a polite way of informing me that she has other obligations to fulfill first. I get it though, sometimes you are busy scrambling about trying to get everything ready, and then there's a conflict of time. I suppose had I not had a lifeguarding shift today, I could've done the coffee today, but alas here we are.

Naturally, I am a bit bummed out by the text, but there still might be some hope. I mean I get so far as to ask a girl out and she says yes, get all the details squared away and just 48 hours before, I get a text that things have to be postponed at best, or canceled altogether at worst. I'm hoping that she meant it when she asked for a "rain check" but I guess I can't really be mad or anything if she for whatever reason decided she no longer want to grab coffee with me (I was going to write "go out with me", but I'm still not sure if coffee counts as a "date" or whatever, but I guess it's still something that requires a time commitment to go meet someone, regardless if both parties see it as either platonic or romantic).

Here's the thing: I don't really have any reason to doubt her or to think that she might just want to get out of it as a whole. I mean because I informed some of my friends who have been giving me pointers all along and some have asked if I think she's lying to me. I have no reason to think she'd lie to me, because if she didn't want to go, she probably could've texted me tomorrow morning as a last minute thing and say like "hey something came up, I can't make it." What I am hoping is that since she gave a fair bit of a heads up/texted in advance, then perhaps she felt bad about the remembrance of the time conflict and maybe she does want to get coffee with me or something.

Whatever the case may be, I've just returned the texting I do have with her to just regular casual talk, also trying to ask her some questions about different things to continue to get to know her better over text so that maybe I'll have a better idea of what to talk about should I get the chance to do something with her. I figured that if I'm going to try to reschedule things, I'll wait until after her vacation, probably give her a few days after she comes home so as to not bombard her or make her think I've been counting down to the first minute I can ask her out again, and see what happens from there.

If everything is still possible for working out in "my favor" so to speak, then this just simply pushes back the timeline by a couple of weeks. I mean it'll be good to just slow things down a bit and not rush into anything so quickly. If there is something to be had between her and myself, then it'll have to develop at the right timing and pacing and cannot and should not be rushed.

All in all, I guess if it ultimately doesn't work, it'd be a shame, but I guess I would have gained the experience of knowing how to keep conversation going over text and to just try my hand at asking a girl out because it'll have to be done eventually if I am to ever be in a true relationship.

Here's to hoping for the best, and expecting the worst.

Hold Your Horses

 It's high noon on a mild Saturday in August. Weather seems to be holding up, and I'm more or less on cruise control for a little while until the fall semester starts and I'll be managing work and in-person classes.

A week ago, I had asked around and ended up getting my crush's phone number. I had been talking to her here and there whenever I can for the few weeks before that. Last Saturday, I managed to hold up a pretty good conversation, with semi-lengthy texts, but she responded well and she hasn't given any short one word responses that day. So if nothing else, there was at least some politeness and some friendliness, because I'd imagine if you don't want to talk to someone or you want to try to shut a conversation down, then you could shorten the answers and not leave room for new questions to come up.

I had texted her a fair amount on Saturday, August 6th, and then a bit more on Sunday, August 7th. I had some semblance of a plan prior to getting her number to find a way to ask her out, but I guess I scrapped that plan once I managed to get her number. Come Sunday evening, somehow I shifted the conversation towards trying to see what she does on the weekends, just to gauge whether or not I'd be able to ask her out to even just grab coffee or do something since usually weekends are among the easiest times to schedule something. I had figured that if I now had her number, it wasn't really that big of a deal per se to rush and follow some sort of plan anymore, just to text her casually as a friend and see if I can eventually build something up. Although, at one point Sunday evening, I was contemplating if I should just try to ask her out to coffee. And then...

Surprisingly (well at least to my surprise anyways), she said she'd be down to grab coffee.

Now I say it's surprising because for whatever reason I had thought that maybe I overplayed my hand, that the cards I had weren't the best and that I wasn't going to succeed. I'm not sure why I would think that, but maybe it's because I had previously not succeeded much in the relationship department in my life, but even more specifically from 2019 to now. Sure that 2020 I didn't do much (not like you really could have done much anyways) but even if we count the tail end of 2020 until now, that's still almost 2 years, and in that time I had maybe tried 3 or 4 times to befriend a girl and try to get closer to see about maybe building a relationship.

However, even with all that being said, I'm not entirely sure if this girl knows I intended for this to be a date, or if it's just a couple of friends grabbing coffee together, which I guess is totally valid too. I mean in my mind, I would figure that if a guy asks a girl out to coffee (or anything) that likely story is that he's interested in her if he's asking her specifically and not inviting anyone else off the bat. But I guess I could also see it as I didn't ever say the word "date" so maybe it's seen as a platonic thing, I don't really know, but I guess even if it's seen as a friend thing, at least I'd get a proper chance to sit down and talk to her, and maybe if we have fun I can always work on doing another thing with her and work it up from there.

I'd really like and I hope things work out well. I still have about 4 days before this all happens. I don't know what to expect or what is going to happen, but I guess all I do know is that I should probably dress a little nicer than athletic shorts and graphic t-shirts, I should offer to pay for her coffee (even if it's not a "date", I still asked her for her time and the least I can do is offer), and then just be myself and talk. Who knows how it will go, but I should just be early, and be calm and myself.

But yeah, so far so good, I think there's definitely hope for something, and now we just wait and see if the vibes feel good and if everything seems to fit together.