Spiritual Warfare

This will accelerate real fast, so without sugar coating it, let's get right in.

At any point in time if you were to ask me if I have faith or follow a religion, I would probably blindly and easily say I'm a Christian. That I believe that there is a God above who created me and has some sort of purpose for me. But if you were to ask me why, I wouldn't exactly know.

I could name off a few instances in which something felt like a divine intervention, such as a time in which there very well could've been a fight involving myself and entitled strangers by the Rockefeller Center during a busy and dark night in NYC around Christmas time. Or how I felt so dark and alone when a friend I was having dinner with at Doc's Diner needed to go somewhere and upon my return to the dorm and I decide to go shower, listening to the same 2 songs that I always did when showering (as a creature of habit, which ultimately became like a calling card for when I'm showering), an old and beloved friend made a surprise appearance which helped me to get back up and remember that even in my sense of failing, I still had a purpose and I still was loved regardless of who or what I am or become.

These two stories I'll get into more detail with in probably the next post, to keep things on topic. And I say probably because who knows if  I'll ever actually get around to writing the post.

But then do I do anything that would otherwise signify my allegiance to my faith? Sure I go to church, but that's a once weekly event, and due to the pandemic, sometimes some circumstances leave it so that we aren't pushed a bit by our parents to go or at least watch the online service. And even if I do watch online or go physically, do I even pay attention? Because you could physically be there, but if you don't let your thoughts and mind engage, then what difference is it to skip or to go?

Similarly, I don't read the Bible regularly, I don't even pray unless I have something I need or feel inspired for a very limited amount of time to try to get back on top of my faith. The closest I get to a daily activity is to listen to Christian radio on my very short commute to and from work and the gym. But that doesn't really count because it's just a passive activity that I'm not engaging in.

So where does the war begin? Well it's all within and in my mind.

From a person of faith's point of view, I am a severe sinner. I mean technically every single person is one, to varying extents what one does to sin, but we all are. And while yes there is no one sin that is more sinful than another, that doesn't help my case.

I keep falling to the same sins I've been battling for who knows how long. One I know has been going on for just about 7 years now, at least in the sense of taking an active role in it (not that I'm proud of that, but it is what it is. Also who knows how long this area has been going). Others may include lying and dishonesty. I don't even know all of the sins, like sure there are the "7 Deadly Sins" but I only really remember lust, agony, gluttony, and sloth off the top of my head. I think maybe greed is among them, so at best I know 5.

I caught myself today thinking that maybe I'll just walk away from my faith. To denounce my God and to just live a life that has no code. The only code is whatever I pull from and learned from previous creeds and ideologies. After that, it's a lawless world out there (figuratively speaking, even if we entertain the idea that I walk away, I'm not going to suddenly become a criminal). But then I know that that is stupid.

Some part of me, the darker and sinful side is probably hoping I cave in and fall. These are heavy chains that I carry and I haven't yet been able to break free. I've tried to let go but because I never actively filled the gaps with something good, the chains whip up and grasp me again to pull back down and possibly even further down than before.

I know where I've been, I've seen and tasted the heights I've gone to and I know I could go even higher than that which I've soared to. I know I can rise out of the darkness and be restored. But it's the question of am I going to try? Will I put the effort in? Because any action I take can and will take effort and energy. Or will I become complacent and apathetic and let it consume me to the point where I cast out my God.

Supposedly they say that the devil tries to grasp stronger and tighter on you when he knows that God can and will do something great with your life. That the darkness attempts to overwhelm you right as the light is getting stronger and brighter. Maybe this is a sign that something great can happen in a relative soon period of time (as there is no way to quantify how long or short something is in God's eyes) and that maybe I should attempt to fight the good fight. To square away my bad habits and get back to where I belong.

Things were certainly a lot easier to maintain faith when you're constantly exposed to it when I was at Liberty University. Between seeing so many different people from so many different walks of life, I could see various people at various stages in their own walk of faith. And they would help to encourage me on my own walk. And it's just all been downhill ever since I stopped attending Liberty and lost that daily exposure.

The war is just beginning, and it's time for me to pick a side.