Apologies

 It's very easy to get into a spot where you think that you were 100% right and completely and totally justified in your actions. And sometimes that is the case. Other times, not so much. For myself, I do recognize I have my moments of arrogance and standoffishness. I get so stubborn occasionally that I think that it's my way or the high way, and that usually doesn't fly so well, mostly because I'm still young and I have a lot to learn about the world and how things work. There is so much for me to gain in experience, knowledge, and wisdom that it will be a long, long time before I am confident and right enough to make such bold and daring statements and pulling stunts as such.

The first step for me to realize this and unwind it all is to realize that I can be wrong and I have wronged people. I keep learning day by day, especially from friend group to friend group, that some people just won't tolerate the stupidity and quick tempers, and the moment you screw up or start throwing fire, that you'll be the one left alone in the ashes whilst they thrive in their own enjoyment. You then begin to become loathing of them and try to make fun of them or justify that you're better off without them, meanwhile deep down you're just jealous that they continued to have fun and make more memories without you. Sometimes the envy rises to a point of thoughts akin to "well they wouldn't be together without me" and yet there they are still thriving without you. All the while you're sulking in the shadows, wishing to join them once again and just stuck reminiscing on the past and what you once had with these people you once called friend.

I am using the word "you" a lot, but in reality I mean me

Humility is a trait that is seldom existent these days. Too many people are prideful and all for the wrong reasons. Myself included. Being humble is often seen as a sign of weakness, of a lack of masculinity (which only really affects men as far as the masculinity part, but since I am a man it affects me. Not to say that women can't feel some lack of something, but it just wouldn't be masculinity for the most part). The climate of society has it so that it's best to try to act tough and be above all such seemingly meaningless and minute details of being a good person, in an attempt to become the best.

I know that I am seldom humble, but I would like to think that I am starting to realize that and trying to take steps towards being more humble (and this is the part where you insert the Drax meme of "I too am extraordinarily humble).

The meme because why not? Too many posts of just reading and not enough pictures, so hopefully this is a sight for sore eyes.

Moving on, I realize that in order to be humble, one must acknowledge their mistakes and their wrongs. To recognize and identify past trespasses against former friends and acquaintances. Then the next step is to attempt to establish contact and apologize.

Now I'm not saying to apologize for every interaction, but sometimes a small apology here and there (don't over apologize as eventually that would just make your apologies seem worthless and that someone could get them a dime a dozen) could make a world of difference. If you have to ask if you should apologize, go for it and see what happens. If you don't think one is necessary, mull over it for a bit and then check again. Maybe in the moment you didn't need to, but later on you might. But then similarly you might not need to apologize anyways.

So where am I going with this?

Well, I recognized that there were a few people whom I had some good times with and pretty great memories that helped me get through the long stretch of fall 2020. Work was becoming stressful taking on so many early morning "opening" shifts (as many as 5 per week, which is crazy for 1 person to do as there should be minimum 3 regular and consistent openers to spread the workload) and I'd come home every day tired and exhausted. I'd have days where I'm spent and all I want to do is veg out, but I found people who gave me enough energy to push on through the next early morning shift, and then earlier this year in 2021, I wronged them with my arrogance. It took me 5, almost 6 months to realize that I should just apologize and see what happens. I hoped to settle all scores and accounts, but I expected to just be left on read.

Luckily, this time around all 3 parties I had reached out to, whom I had perceived to as wronging, all responded to me and they seem to be okay with taking things slow and getting back to some semblance of friendship. Well 2 out of 3 were able to write it out, the third asked if they could call over Discord, to which I haven't yet made the time to, but they did express they weren't mad or upset at me, so I would assume that there's something at least good about that.

I don't exactly know what I was hoping for. I mean I had hoped that these individuals would respond and they would maybe be okay with welcoming me back with open arms. But at the same time I know not if that is what I really want. Do I want to go back, even if an invitation or an offer is made? Or did I just do this for my own conscience so I can rest easy knowing that there are less people in the world whom I have wronged and (hopefully) no longer have hard feelings towards me? I guess even if that is true that is also a fine ending to this chapter.

All in all, I'm recognizing my old ways and how those ways have screwed me out of pretty much 3 friend groups now. I guess as the saying goes "third time's the charm". It took so much destruction and hate within myself to realize how wrong I was and only now can I attempt to be better and fix things. Some things are unfixable. Some things are meant to be left in the past. Occasionally those past things and thoughts try to fight their way back into my life, to which I try to suppress them and put them back where they belong (to which I'll add another meme because I hadn't originally intended this post to be this long, so let me refresh your eyesight).

Where do I go now?