Spiritual Warfare

This will accelerate real fast, so without sugar coating it, let's get right in.

At any point in time if you were to ask me if I have faith or follow a religion, I would probably blindly and easily say I'm a Christian. That I believe that there is a God above who created me and has some sort of purpose for me. But if you were to ask me why, I wouldn't exactly know.

I could name off a few instances in which something felt like a divine intervention, such as a time in which there very well could've been a fight involving myself and entitled strangers by the Rockefeller Center during a busy and dark night in NYC around Christmas time. Or how I felt so dark and alone when a friend I was having dinner with at Doc's Diner needed to go somewhere and upon my return to the dorm and I decide to go shower, listening to the same 2 songs that I always did when showering (as a creature of habit, which ultimately became like a calling card for when I'm showering), an old and beloved friend made a surprise appearance which helped me to get back up and remember that even in my sense of failing, I still had a purpose and I still was loved regardless of who or what I am or become.

These two stories I'll get into more detail with in probably the next post, to keep things on topic. And I say probably because who knows if  I'll ever actually get around to writing the post.

But then do I do anything that would otherwise signify my allegiance to my faith? Sure I go to church, but that's a once weekly event, and due to the pandemic, sometimes some circumstances leave it so that we aren't pushed a bit by our parents to go or at least watch the online service. And even if I do watch online or go physically, do I even pay attention? Because you could physically be there, but if you don't let your thoughts and mind engage, then what difference is it to skip or to go?

Similarly, I don't read the Bible regularly, I don't even pray unless I have something I need or feel inspired for a very limited amount of time to try to get back on top of my faith. The closest I get to a daily activity is to listen to Christian radio on my very short commute to and from work and the gym. But that doesn't really count because it's just a passive activity that I'm not engaging in.

So where does the war begin? Well it's all within and in my mind.

From a person of faith's point of view, I am a severe sinner. I mean technically every single person is one, to varying extents what one does to sin, but we all are. And while yes there is no one sin that is more sinful than another, that doesn't help my case.

I keep falling to the same sins I've been battling for who knows how long. One I know has been going on for just about 7 years now, at least in the sense of taking an active role in it (not that I'm proud of that, but it is what it is. Also who knows how long this area has been going). Others may include lying and dishonesty. I don't even know all of the sins, like sure there are the "7 Deadly Sins" but I only really remember lust, agony, gluttony, and sloth off the top of my head. I think maybe greed is among them, so at best I know 5.

I caught myself today thinking that maybe I'll just walk away from my faith. To denounce my God and to just live a life that has no code. The only code is whatever I pull from and learned from previous creeds and ideologies. After that, it's a lawless world out there (figuratively speaking, even if we entertain the idea that I walk away, I'm not going to suddenly become a criminal). But then I know that that is stupid.

Some part of me, the darker and sinful side is probably hoping I cave in and fall. These are heavy chains that I carry and I haven't yet been able to break free. I've tried to let go but because I never actively filled the gaps with something good, the chains whip up and grasp me again to pull back down and possibly even further down than before.

I know where I've been, I've seen and tasted the heights I've gone to and I know I could go even higher than that which I've soared to. I know I can rise out of the darkness and be restored. But it's the question of am I going to try? Will I put the effort in? Because any action I take can and will take effort and energy. Or will I become complacent and apathetic and let it consume me to the point where I cast out my God.

Supposedly they say that the devil tries to grasp stronger and tighter on you when he knows that God can and will do something great with your life. That the darkness attempts to overwhelm you right as the light is getting stronger and brighter. Maybe this is a sign that something great can happen in a relative soon period of time (as there is no way to quantify how long or short something is in God's eyes) and that maybe I should attempt to fight the good fight. To square away my bad habits and get back to where I belong.

Things were certainly a lot easier to maintain faith when you're constantly exposed to it when I was at Liberty University. Between seeing so many different people from so many different walks of life, I could see various people at various stages in their own walk of faith. And they would help to encourage me on my own walk. And it's just all been downhill ever since I stopped attending Liberty and lost that daily exposure.

The war is just beginning, and it's time for me to pick a side.

Apologies

 It's very easy to get into a spot where you think that you were 100% right and completely and totally justified in your actions. And sometimes that is the case. Other times, not so much. For myself, I do recognize I have my moments of arrogance and standoffishness. I get so stubborn occasionally that I think that it's my way or the high way, and that usually doesn't fly so well, mostly because I'm still young and I have a lot to learn about the world and how things work. There is so much for me to gain in experience, knowledge, and wisdom that it will be a long, long time before I am confident and right enough to make such bold and daring statements and pulling stunts as such.

The first step for me to realize this and unwind it all is to realize that I can be wrong and I have wronged people. I keep learning day by day, especially from friend group to friend group, that some people just won't tolerate the stupidity and quick tempers, and the moment you screw up or start throwing fire, that you'll be the one left alone in the ashes whilst they thrive in their own enjoyment. You then begin to become loathing of them and try to make fun of them or justify that you're better off without them, meanwhile deep down you're just jealous that they continued to have fun and make more memories without you. Sometimes the envy rises to a point of thoughts akin to "well they wouldn't be together without me" and yet there they are still thriving without you. All the while you're sulking in the shadows, wishing to join them once again and just stuck reminiscing on the past and what you once had with these people you once called friend.

I am using the word "you" a lot, but in reality I mean me

Humility is a trait that is seldom existent these days. Too many people are prideful and all for the wrong reasons. Myself included. Being humble is often seen as a sign of weakness, of a lack of masculinity (which only really affects men as far as the masculinity part, but since I am a man it affects me. Not to say that women can't feel some lack of something, but it just wouldn't be masculinity for the most part). The climate of society has it so that it's best to try to act tough and be above all such seemingly meaningless and minute details of being a good person, in an attempt to become the best.

I know that I am seldom humble, but I would like to think that I am starting to realize that and trying to take steps towards being more humble (and this is the part where you insert the Drax meme of "I too am extraordinarily humble).

The meme because why not? Too many posts of just reading and not enough pictures, so hopefully this is a sight for sore eyes.

Moving on, I realize that in order to be humble, one must acknowledge their mistakes and their wrongs. To recognize and identify past trespasses against former friends and acquaintances. Then the next step is to attempt to establish contact and apologize.

Now I'm not saying to apologize for every interaction, but sometimes a small apology here and there (don't over apologize as eventually that would just make your apologies seem worthless and that someone could get them a dime a dozen) could make a world of difference. If you have to ask if you should apologize, go for it and see what happens. If you don't think one is necessary, mull over it for a bit and then check again. Maybe in the moment you didn't need to, but later on you might. But then similarly you might not need to apologize anyways.

So where am I going with this?

Well, I recognized that there were a few people whom I had some good times with and pretty great memories that helped me get through the long stretch of fall 2020. Work was becoming stressful taking on so many early morning "opening" shifts (as many as 5 per week, which is crazy for 1 person to do as there should be minimum 3 regular and consistent openers to spread the workload) and I'd come home every day tired and exhausted. I'd have days where I'm spent and all I want to do is veg out, but I found people who gave me enough energy to push on through the next early morning shift, and then earlier this year in 2021, I wronged them with my arrogance. It took me 5, almost 6 months to realize that I should just apologize and see what happens. I hoped to settle all scores and accounts, but I expected to just be left on read.

Luckily, this time around all 3 parties I had reached out to, whom I had perceived to as wronging, all responded to me and they seem to be okay with taking things slow and getting back to some semblance of friendship. Well 2 out of 3 were able to write it out, the third asked if they could call over Discord, to which I haven't yet made the time to, but they did express they weren't mad or upset at me, so I would assume that there's something at least good about that.

I don't exactly know what I was hoping for. I mean I had hoped that these individuals would respond and they would maybe be okay with welcoming me back with open arms. But at the same time I know not if that is what I really want. Do I want to go back, even if an invitation or an offer is made? Or did I just do this for my own conscience so I can rest easy knowing that there are less people in the world whom I have wronged and (hopefully) no longer have hard feelings towards me? I guess even if that is true that is also a fine ending to this chapter.

All in all, I'm recognizing my old ways and how those ways have screwed me out of pretty much 3 friend groups now. I guess as the saying goes "third time's the charm". It took so much destruction and hate within myself to realize how wrong I was and only now can I attempt to be better and fix things. Some things are unfixable. Some things are meant to be left in the past. Occasionally those past things and thoughts try to fight their way back into my life, to which I try to suppress them and put them back where they belong (to which I'll add another meme because I hadn't originally intended this post to be this long, so let me refresh your eyesight).

Where do I go now?

Promises

Before I begin I must acknowledge and state for the record that I know I'm not innocent of this. And as I get older and more experienced between working full time and just learning how to be an adult (between balancing online school and work, stuff that many adults do) I learn more and more the weight of words  and promises and how much it hurts and stings when things fall through and promises are broken.

I know that in reality it's not the end of the world when some promises are broken, such as the main focus of why I wrote this. But it's more of the principle rather than the exact event.

For those who may not know, I've been working at a local Jersey Mike's Subs since February 12th, 2020. Since about June 2nd, 2020, I've worked hard and I've proven my capability in handling responsibilities that they made me an "opener" in which I arrive 3 hours before the doors are open for business to prepare the store and set everything up for a good day. It came with a pay raise and eventually got my foot in the door to become Shift Leader/Shift Manager (the terms/titles are similar enough for this line of work). Now I know that I'm not going to be working at Jersey Mike's forever as foodservice and the restaurant industry as a whole is not something for me, but it is where I am now and I know I must just go with the flow as I work to develop myself and carve my way forwards.

At some point during the fall of 2020, I was pushed to doing 5 opening shifts in a row, which was taxing on my body and my mental status as it is early morning work and the shifts are spent entirely on one's feet, save for the lunch break time that gets allotted to me. I do realize that there are other people in this world who work longer shifts, earlier shifts, overnight shifts, etc. that would be more demanding than what I have, but I guess just because someone has it harder than I do doesn't mean I have to discredit the load I perceive. It's all subjective and what one person sees as impossible, someone may see as possible and vice versa.

All throughout the spring of 2021, I was promised that I "won't have to do that many openings during the summer once the college kids come home." And here I am working 4 openings a week for the second consecutive week, during the summer.

Now yeah I understand that 4 is less than 5, but here's the catch: my life has since been added on to with online schooling. Back when I did 5 openings a week, work was the only thing I had going for me. These days, I go to work, I go to the gym (to keep on top of my physical health), and now I have online courses for mental sharpening and to allow a way to something greater than sandwich making. I understand that everything I have now is all a choice. I choose to keep a full-time work status, which I don't necessarily have to do seeing as I am fortunate and blessed enough to be living at home where finances aren't an issue nor a worry. I also choose to spend 3-5 hours a week lifting weights, as that's technically unnecessary, but maintaining a physical well-being is something I want to do and something that'd be good overall (plus one cannot expect me to sell my soul to a workplace I don't see myself being in forever, right?) Then finally I chose to attend and take online courses. No one said that I have to get an education, but it is something I am pursuing as my ticket out of the workplace I occasionally loathe, but otherwise have enjoyed my time.

Maybe I'm just here to gripe. Maybe I just want to vent and to complain (after all that's what this blog was originally for, back when it was titled "Geoff's Unfiltered Thoughts"). But maybe promises mean something more as I was given a certain understanding of how others felt when I broke my end of the promise last year, and now I'm just on the receiving end of someone breaking their promise to me.

I was saying it to my mom that all of this making me open so many days per week during the summer wouldn't really have been that big of a deal if they didn't promise a lighter/lesser workload all along. If they just said "hey, once the college kids come home you'll have more help during the day" that would've been fine and no harm no foul if I kept a similar level of workload. Although, I guess I shouldn't complain all too much as I was given this job without an interview, with no need to view my resume (well, what sparsely filled out excuse I had for a resume since I never worked aside from a minor summer job for my dad for a few years here and there). I've also had a job all throughout this global pandemic whereas many others haven't had a job (at the same time some people were collecting and still are collecting more money in unemployment than I make, so that's unfair) but it kept me busy and gave me something to do other than sit at home with no money to spend for myself.

Some things will never be understood in the moment, but I guess all will work itself out in the end. All I know is that with the time working, I've gained a lot of knowledge and experience with interacting with customers and coworkers, to time management, to being a leader as well. I've also been blessed financially so as to begin saving and preparing for my future, so in hindsight, maybe it's not a bad thing, but in this moment it certainly does suck.

Who Am I? And What Do I Want?

 I think it's easy enough to say that without a shadow of a doubt, Uncle Iroh is the best character in Avatar: The Last Airbender. The portrayal of someone so wise and understanding when the world would have you divide yourself. To grasp and learn the insights and knowledges of all peoples, of all walks of life, and to piece it all together to make a whole and incredible understanding of it all. To be one who chooses peace over war, who quenches the fires of anger with calmness and kindness.

Then the wisdoms that he shares through his journey with his nephew, Zuko. Or even all of the wisdoms he shares with any of the characters in the story. Many of which are wisdoms that can be applied to the viewer and sparks a genuine thought process.

As the title already writes, I am focusing on the part where Iroh questions Zuko and asks him to "ask the big questions in life. Who are you, and what do you want?"

The thing is, my answer is: I don't know. Who am I supposed to be? Who am I trying to be? What am I doing to get to where I think I need to be going? Is this the choice that I want to make? Am I building a future I can be proud of?

I don't mean to write any of that as a way to be somber or seeking sympathy. I genuinely write that because I just go day to day living life in the moment but not really thinking much more on the next day, the next week, the next month, etc. Because in reality the choices I make today will lead to my tomorrow. How will I build myself to eventually get to some goal that I wish to achieve?

I can even take my weightlifting/gym-going as a starting point. How could I expect to lift some obscure number of pounds in some certain lift if I don't train myself? One does not magically go from deadlifting 10 pounds to deadlifting 500 overnight. There is a long journey in between that requires pushing oneself to go harder to train longer to incorporate different lifts and accessory muscle training. There's more to it than a single facet training style.

I find that most cases (and a lot of it is discovered in hindsight), life is like a gemstone: it's multi-faceted and if you only focus on one part of it, you'll never understand it. When we admire a gem, we look at how all the cuts and facets make it sparkle and shine. To enjoy its entire beauty we take a step back and view it from afar to increase the amount of light shining on it. We don't normally go incredibly up close to look at one side of it all. Certainly we are allowed to if we want to, but that one side won't be the big picture.

There's a video that I would like you to watch if you're here: https://youtu.be/GT2f-WM86oQ

The video is a speech by Matthew McConaughey and how he talks about who his hero is. And the answer is himself, but 10 years in the future. But 10 years later, he isn't his own hero as his hero is still 10 years in the future. It is in an attempt to chase after something and you might as well chase after yourself in the future. Why? Because you'll be building yourself to reach the heights you'd expect your hero to be at. And when you get there, you still have more to grow and more to chase.

On a semi-similar note, there was a TikTok (oh boy here we go again haha) that partially inspired this post: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdXaqqyX/ 

Now if you don't already know, I happen to have the same stuffed animal that this creator has. And the video personifies the puppy as saying how they have watched the creator grow up from being a kid to now an adult accomplishing so many things in life. And when I first saw this TikTok, I thought to myself, "well I have that same puppy. I wonder, would he be proud of me? Where I've been, where I am now, where I plan to go? Would he be proud or would he be ashamed?"

And maybe it's silly or childish for a 21 (almost 22) year old man (kind of weird to call myself a "man" but I know it's technically true and slightly more true than saying I'm a "boy") to still keep his stuffed animals. but honestly I don't really care. It was and is my childhood and I don't care about the stigma that may come about it. I am nostalgic with my stuffed animals. I have memories with them and traveled quite literally the world with them. Anyways, best I move on now.

I go to think, is Pupps (as I've nicknamed him from his given name of "Puppers", which you also might notice is akin to DragonPupps) proud of me? He's been with me since April 23rd, 2006, when we went for a family vacation in Hilton Head Island, SC. I was 6 years old, going on 7 in a few months. And 15 years later, he's still with me at 21 going on 22. In a ways, he's seen me grow up from the tail end of 1st grade through the vast majority of my public schooling, traveled with me to every vacation or extended departure from home (mainly long weekend or few day getaways), came down to Liberty, and still sits beside me day to day in 2021. From childhood, to adolescence, to now young adulthood, he has seen me at my life's highs and lows. And the question that still remains is, is he proud of me?

All of this ties into the central idea of who am I? What do I want from my life? Am I even proud of myself, as anything that Pupps could be proud of is a projection and personification of my inner thinking and conscience. Pupps is a physical representation of my thoughts and feelings. The voice in my head as I think (sometimes) becomes Pupps. So the question really isn't is Pupps proud of me. The question is: am I proud of myself?

I know where I've been, I know where I've gone. I know what I've done, what I do, and what I must do. Is everything that I have decided on that brought me to where I am today something that I can take pride in? The answer? Some parts yes and some parts no.

I know that life sometimes has harder moments. I know that sometimes "you" make bad choices or decisions, be it a poor reaction, a misplaced comment, the flooding of emotions to lead to clouded judgment, etc. But sometimes there is something to be learned from it and while yes it is very easy to sit down and think and think and think upon the mistakes I have made and be sorry for myself and to "kick" myself over making those poorer decisions. However, despite it all, I want to start looking for what I have learned in those bad decisions. To embrace it all: the highs and the lows, to learn from it and to be ready to become someone new and someone better. Failure is sometimes not an option, but sometimes it also leads to being one of life's greatest teachers. Everything I know now through what I have done is experience. And that experience can fan the flames to make me into someone I can 100% and confidently be proud of day to day.

And to think all of this was inspired to be written because of a TV show and a TikTok regarding a stuffed animal.