Losing Steam

 I guess this is something that's been building up to it, but nonetheless here I go.

Lately I've been wondering where does my life go and where it amounts to. I'm in that in-between phase of the end of the spring semester and awaiting for a singular summer course to begin, so when I come home from work I just mill about doing mindless activities be it scrolling on TikTok or watching YouTube. It also just gets to a point where I have started losing desire in something I thought I'd never lose interest in: video games. I hardly play any of the games I have on my computer and I don't know why I don't. I just simply feel "too lazy" to hit launch, and even if I do get past that point I play for maybe 15-20 minutes before getting bored as I've played those games and just replaying them for replay's sake.

I'm starting to get bored at work and maybe this is just a lull phase of it as I sometimes enjoy work a bit. Obviously making sandwiches isn't the line of work I want to do forever, but it's provided me something to do day in and day out, as well as receive a paycheck every 2 weeks so that I have spending money (although it should really just mostly be investment money as I'm fortunate enough to have 0 bills at the moment, so I should be building and saving for my future).

I suppose I still go to the gym, but even this past Friday I actually skipped the gym in favor of a nap. Maybe I needed the rest and it wouldn't really have been super beneficial to push myself to go to the gym anyways, who knows? But aside from vacation, I haven't missed a day of gym that I've been regularly doing since February. I find some excitement in the gym and I still have aspirations and goals I want to hit physically for my own personal achievement and gratification (not sure if I used that word correctly). Other than that, I don't really know what I do for enjoyment or for fulfilling some greater purpose that I may have.

Some days I just want to not have to get up for work. Some days I want to just sleep in and do whatever. Maybe that's because I subconsciously recognize that I finished a college semester and just had a family vacation away from work, so now I'm falling back to the conditioned feeling of waking up and milling about day to day as summer break is here. But as an adult (well young adult at that), I've got some responsibilities that include going to work and also working through my lacking grip on education.

Maybe I just need to find that spark again, to be able to get back into it and dig down to find what I want in my life. To really get that thought going of "I don't want to work at Jersey Mike's forever, so I need to keep pushing forward." That all of this is just my current chapter and it's not my story, well, not my entire story. I got to find what drives me forwards; what pushes me to better myself for tomorrow. And not the literal tomorrow either, although I guess in some instances that is also fine and does its job.

Power Of "Thank You"

Who'd've thought that 2 words can really make someone's day that much better? Let me bring you to storytime before we continue.

Yesterday, I was traveling home from a ~2 week vacation in Florida. We had spent the first week alternating days in Disney World and staying at the resort. The second week we had done the resort's activities as it was a vacation club.

I'd assume it was probably among his job description, but there were 2 regular faces we saw whilst attending various activities. Whenever they provided something, even if it was "scripted" in the sense it was part of the activity (i.e. serving the beers for the beer tasting, pouring paint for the "ceramics & canvases" art time, etc) I just instinctively/unconsciously just said "thank you". And as we departed from the activity, we would smile, chatter and banter with the employees, and wish them a good day or to "take care" as we walked off.

With that being said, as we had to check out of the room before noon and we had our flight at 7:50 p.m., we had many an hour to idle. It would be better to be outside and relaxing elsewhere rather than to sit 7+ hours in a hot, muggy airport where they require masks, social distancing, etc. At some point while sitting there, we saw one of employees, Gared, and he asked what we were doing and assumed we were leaving. When we confirmed we were leaving he had that slightly emphasized lean back and said, "aw no, you guys are the greatest! You're all so kind and saying 'thank you'. Some of these people we interact with are rude and not so fun to talk to, so thank you for your kindness."

Now at first you might wonder: why would an employee say something like this about the people who stay at the resort? But then you start wondering maybe people aren't nice and are rude. Being someone who works in foodservice and deals with customers, I have seen my fair share of how rude some people can be and they do it all because they think they can do whatever they want as the customer. They take the phrase (well technically partial phrase) of "the customer is always right" to an extreme that it has 0 application. The full phrase (to my knowledge) is "the customer is always right in taste" meaning that if you're a business owner, ultimately the customer will dictate what you will sell as they just prefer something and would buy one thing more than another. Nowhere does it mean that the customer can do as they please.

I suppose that really there isn't some supreme weight that my actions of just saying a phrase of gratitude or acknowledgement or even just being a decent human to just talk for a moment. But maybe it was enough to leave a good impression on the employees. And it makes me partially sad that just being decent is all it takes to garner appreciation. But it also enlightens me to know that it doesn't take a supreme act of heroism or greatness to make someone's day.

All in all, I guess I should keep this all in mind and try my best to be kind to those around me. Have conversations, say please and thank you, ask how someone's doing, etc. Who knows what it will take to make someone happy, but if it doesn't cost me anything aside from just being conscious of the world around me, then by all means I should be kind.

Goodbye, Sophia

A prompt I saw somewhere came up and was for anyone who happened upon it to say their final goodbyes to someone whom the viewer has been holding on to that has no place left in their life, in regards to a former significant other type of deal. So, with that being said, this is the last post I will ever write about the one girl whom I've had the pleasure of getting close to and making good memories with.

Goodbye to the girl who decided to stay my friend despite me thinking things would be awkward when an accidental revelation of my feelings came out (from an originally intended PM to a message to a group chat to which she had been a part of).

Goodbye to the girl who found an interest in a video game that I had loved in middle school and we built many cool things with both fictional inspirations (Wayne Manor, Gotham City, etc) as well as real life inspiration (Liberty University's Freedom Tower). To all those hundreds of hours we had, clearing off an island in game and making a city with various friends, as well as theoretically crashing Liberty's wifi when I tried to spawn in 10,000 dark oak logs on the wifi based server. To all those sweet notes written in Minecraft's book and quills, and the cute flags made by following dye design plans (mainly the pink and white heart designs), as well as the designed shield to look like Batman.

Goodbye to the girl who took a 3 am trip to Cookout and ultimately Waffle House when we were playing Minecraft at an ungodly hour and all of us laughing at my sleep deprivation causing me to "forget how a fork works". To then willingly walk back the half mile or so in the frigid, December cold and wind as I couldn't find parking closer to your dorm. And to warming my heart as you hugged me goodnight.

Goodbye to the girl who wrote me that sweet LU crushes post, and while it was pulled from being posted as a last minute call, I thank you for sending me the note anyways as it helped me to build my confidence that my flaws and insecurities aren't the worst things and can be overlooked for the content of my heart. That appearance alone isn't the only thing that matters.

Goodbye to the girl who I had so much fun watching movies at a friend's house such as Spider-Man: Far From Home and Polar Express. To also hanging out after the movies and me playing on the (very) out of tune piano, and me moving your hand off as you "acted like the annoying younger sibling" (as you phrased it). Or the card games of Coup and me making TikTok references and stubbornly making the Captain a good card despite the seasoned players saying he wasn't a good card (I THINK I'M BOUTTA STEAL).

Goodbye to the girl who was the Batgirl as part of the Liberty Batfamily. Something I had started for fun in spite of something a previous friend group said about me never being Batman, and it turning out to be one of the best friend groups I've ever had. I still regret the way I tore the group apart, and maybe someday we can reconvene, but if not I'll cherish the times we had getting food and hanging out almost weekly.

Goodbye to the girl who made my final Christmas Coffeehouse so much fun and taking pictures for once around the decorations they had there, to then screaming out in joy as I made a cameo appearance for the LU Crushes spoof of Santa Baby. To the fun time of having a late night Waffle House and joking about how the waitress that night thought of us to being a couple.

As I go on, I try to pull out all of the memories that I could and the list goes on and on. Believe me when I say that I loved every moment we had together, whether it was during our platonic phase or our slightly more romantic phase. There are so many things that make me appreciate everything we had as friends. It hurts to think that it is all gone because of my immaturity and my poor reaction to what you thought would be best for the both of us in the long term. I know now that you meant well and I just couldn't see it then. I see it now and I know that now it is far too late and things are probably beyond repair and have probably been that way for a long, long time.

With all that being said, I truly and genuinely wish you well and may you find a guy who can treat you better than I have and ever could. I hope your career goes well as I believe you have finished your undergraduate by now. I wish you nothing but the best.

Goodbye, Sophia Renee Davis, I appreciate the adventures and I appreciate the time I've gotten to know you and to be your friend. 🤟