Music

 Occasionally whenever I am browsing around on YouTube, I find videos of people showcasing either a tutorial or some difficulty level ranges for a certain song, usually that is mainstream or popular (as one  would do to capitalize on search trends and to keep garnering views and watch minutes). Today, I stumbled upon one of a difficulty range for Tones and I's "Dance Monkey", which given its popularity on TikTok and how I think the song as a whole is pretty catchy, figured I'd go take a look.

Once the creator reached the "expert" level or level 5 as they called it, they decided to add in short bits of other songs "at level 5". One of those bits included Lewis Capaldi's "Someone You Loved". And that's where the fun begins, if by fun I mean motivation/drive/inspiration to write this post, then yes it is fun.

I sometimes wonder if I should try to just never think about it again as I'm sure every time I do think about it or every time that I write a blog post about it, it only technically just reinforces the idea or the person into my mind and that will just keep it in the short term memory but also make it permanent in the long term memory. And maybe it doesn't help that I'm still single and haven't really been able to bond to someone else at that level so any thought of deeper relationships or any romantic relationship is just linked back to the one time I almost had one.

Maybe it's unhealthy, maybe I should get this checked out by some therapist (although I don't really know what therapy can or will do since there isn't really any trauma per se, aside from a broken heart that I had thought I healed). Maybe I should count it as what's done is done, as water under the bridge, as bygones being bygones. You get the point.

And yet, I cannot help but occasionally think about her. Just hoping she's doing well in life, hoping that maybe she's found a guy that can be all that I promised I'd be (yet I broke my promises, such as never hurting her but I ultimately did emotionally, or treating her well and like a princess, etc.) and hopefully more. That she gets what she deserves (in a good way) and that hopefully it all works out in wherever she may go in life. And because of those trains of thoughts (and some TikToks that come up in my feed) some people would say that I feel this way because I truly loved her. And maybe again I got too far ahead of myself and should've slowed my roll when it comes to love as that is a powerful and very strong emotion not to be thrown around lightly. But I guess I cannot go back to the past and re-write my actions or how I decided to act on things.

I don't really know what the solution to all of this would be. I mean is it that I still want a friendship or to at least reconnect, but I've buried that desire so deep down under everything because I have assumed (and still assume) that that is never going to be possible or an option to make amends and talk to her more than just texts or messages? But even if I somehow do reconnect, how will that affect me? Because while I do see some  TikToks that almost sympathize (or is it empathize) with how I feel about her, I've seen another that is against the whole "let's be friends" idea.

The reason to be against it is that there was a deep connection between a couple and with the love they once had for each other, there are a few things that happen:

1) If the person initiating the break-up says it, it's just a polite way of not being harsh in saying that the relationship won't work. But it may not be good because then this person cannot flourish on their own and find someone that a relationship could work because the other person may try to find a way back in.

2) If the person on the receiving end hears it, it's not good for them as they hold on to a hope and they will never be able to properly grieve the loss of the relationship and the emotions. Deep relationships being cut short will harm someone somewhere and somehow. Being on the receiving end of things not working will require proper processing and grieving as it is something precious now destroyed.

There was a better explanation on it all and I can't  find a link to the TikTok so hopefully I explained it well enough

All in all, have I truly processed that it's all gone? I mean it's been well over a year. What do I expect can  happen? I haven't been on Liberty's campus in such a long time, and I haven't really communicated with any of those former friends as much, save for one of them, but even then that's scarce communication as work and life in general just happens and there's seldom talking points as we aren't creating new common memories.

What do I do?